The Bat Talisman Saga
by Athena1999
Summary: COMPLETE! An innocent question and a broken Whatif Machine lead to the ultimate crossover of Futurama, Jackie Chan Adventures, and Digimon. Seven heroes go on a wacky quest to destroy the Bat Talisman and defeat Myotismon... among other things!
1. The Innocent Question

The Bat Talisman Saga

by AthEnA1999

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon OR Jackie Chan Adventures.  If I did, you know what the series would be like!!!!!  ^_^

Intro and author's notes: This is a story I wrote on my vacation in Canada and Seattle, but the idea was born when I was watching Jackie Chan Adventures the week before.  I wondered "What if the main villain in Jackie Chan Adventures was Myotismon instead of Shendu?".  So that gave birth to this fic idea.  I decided to write a story about it on the trip while watching the Men in Black DVD.  It came to me really fast, and it was in this notebook for about a million years until I found it, and well here it is!  There are side stories starring the Futurama crew, but it does tie in.  So heeeere it is!  An episode of JCA telling us what the series would be like if Myotismon was the main villain instead of Shendu…  I think I've postponed it long enough!!!!  My sister LOVED it, BTW!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Prologue: It was a sleepy day for everyone at the Planet Express, and it was practically a day off.  No one had gotten any deliveries, except for getting some knick knacks at a sidewalk sale.  Fry sat on the couch with Bender.  Even TV was starting to get boring for him.

  "God, this is starting to get boring!" Fry shouted, throwing the remote control onto the couch.  Then he reached for more cheese puffs in his bag.

  "You're telling me," agreed Bender.  "1600 channels is not enough!  I kept telling Professor Farnsworth to get satellite like the guys down the street, but no!"

  Fry rummaged around in the bag, but there were no more cheese puffs.  "I'm gonna get more cheese puffs, OK Bender?" he asked.

  "While you're at it, get me a beer or something," said the robot.

  The redhead entered the kitchen and searched through the cupboards for more cheese puffs.  Then he found a bag of Soylent Doritos.  "Oh well, better than nothing," he shrugged, pulling the bag of green chips out of the cupboard.  As he was about to get two beers for Bender and himself, the rest of the crew entered, clutching bags full of… well… stuff.

  "Man that was a cool rummage sale!" Amy exclaimed, grabbing something in her bag and pulling out what looked like a pink shower cap with slimy green tentacles, which appeared to be moving.  "I love this shower cap!"  She placed it on her head.  "oooh!"

  "I tink dat's a weeg for da Qxiggon aliens, Amy," said Hermes, rummaging through his bag, seeing if everything was perfectly organized.  "Hee Professor, what did you get?"  He looked through Professor F's bag.

  "Damn those cashiers!" the old professor shouted.  "Can't they just use one kind of bag?  They keep asking me 'Paper, plastic, or synthezoid titanium?'  It bugs me so much!"

  "Hee Professor?  What's dis?" asked the Jamaican guy, holding up a myriad of DVD's.  They were Digimon and Jackie Chan Adventures, with pictures of action on the covers.  The animated version of Jackie Chan was doing kung fu moves against some dragon-like demon, with talismans as a background, and on the Digimon DVD's, seven children and seven monsters were fighting what looked like a human in a blue suit.

  "I don't know," said Professor F.  "I brought them back so the identifyitron could identify them."

  "Hey, I remember those!" exclaimed Fry.  "Those are DVD's!"

  "Oh, those ancient things," scoffed Leela.

  "Sweet bull of Istanbul!" shouted Hermes, putting his hand on his head in excitement.  "Sweet Kitty of Atlantic City!  DVD's!  I always assumed dat dose were almost extinct, except for the one living one in da Smeethsonion!  And a Deegeemon one too!  Dose are the rarest ones!"

  "Digimon…" said Fry.  "I remember that!  That was an anime that premiered in 1999!  That was the last show I watched before my pizza disaster!  I've never heard of Jackie Chan Adventures…"  He looked at the DVD.  "Hey, it was made in 2001!  No wonder I don't know about it!"

  "We got the DVD player free with it," said Leela.  "It was a 'buy 7 DVD's, get a player free' deal at the Prehistoric Antique Shop."

  So after a few minutes, with Fry's help, everyone learned how to set up the DVD player and watch the DVD's.  "Man this is gonna be good," said Fry.

*Insert Futurama theme sequence here :P*

  The next morning, everyone was asleep in front of the TV.  They had stayed up the whole night watching DVD's.  Except Bender, who fell asleep after the first one.  He strolled into the kitchen, then came back with a bucket o' water.  Then he sploshed it all over the Planet Express crew.

  "AAAAAAAH!" shouted Amy.  "Don't get my wig wet!"

  "What am I doing here?" wondered Fry.  "Oh yeah, the DVD's.  So how did you like them?  Man I missed having a DVD player in the house!"

  Everyone either nodded or shrugged.

  "I remember the Digimon one," said Fry.  "Man, that Myotismon character was the COOLEST villain!  Hey professor!  I just got a crazy thought!  Can I use your Whatif Machine?"

  "Sure, why not?" replied Professor F.

  So the Planet Express crew trooped into the professor's inventing room after Hermes stopped to alphabetize the DVD's.  The professor turned the Whatif Machine on as Fry prepared to ask his question.

  "Better get the popcorn," said Fry.  "Who knows how long this is gonna last…"

  "Comin' right up!" exclaimed Bender, entering the room.  "I got Soylent Doritos!"

  "Yummy!" exclaimed the ancient professor.

  "And I have ultra-low-fat-low-calorie diet popcorn for Amy," said Bender, who gave the bag to Amy.  "And just what everyone else wants."

  Everyone got something except for Zoidberg.

  "What about ME?" complained the lobster.  He sighed, then trudged out of the room.  He returned foodless.  "We could have at least gotten more prawns!"

  "The machine's up and running," said Professor Farnsworth.  "Ask your question so we can get to the important stuff!"

  "OK," said Fry.  "What if… what if… what if instead of that Shendu villain in Jackie Chan Adventures, the main villain was Myotismon from Digimon?"

  The Whatif Machine processed the question.  Then the screen did the 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

  And the episode began.

JACKIE CHAN ADVENTURES: THE BAT TALISMAN SAGA

  It started like always at the antique store in San Fransisco on October 30.  Uncle was dusting his priceless antiques with a feather duster, Jackie was brushing up on his talisman research, and Jade was making her way home from school.

  "Uncle!" Jackie exclaimed, coming across an interesting bit of research.  "I found out about a talisman that ISN'T part of the zodiac!  It is—"

  "JACKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Uncle squealed, breaking the vase.  "NEVER INTERRUPT UNCLE WHILE HE'S CLEANING HIS PRICELESS ANTIQUES!  ONE MORE THING!  The Dark Hand still possesses the Dragon Talisman.  ONE MORE THING!  I need tea!"  The door opened.  "ONE MORE THING!  Jade has arrived."

  Jackie sighed.  When one piece of work was finished, another just HAD to begin.

  "Hi Jackie!"  Jade ran up to her uncle and bounded him in a great hug.  She was holding a sheet of paper, which Jackie didn't fail to notice.

  "Jade," said Jackie, setting his spunky niece on the floor.  "What did you do this time?"  He sighed and took a pen from off the tabletop.  "Just hand me the paper…"

  Jade handed Jackie the sheet of paper, and Jackie was quite surprised by what was on it.  Instead of anything that said Jade was in trouble, it was just a myriad of arithmetic problems.  "It's just my midterm math test," she said meekly.  "No biggie."

  Jackie looked over the paper.  There were no incorrect answers, and in the left corner there was a large red A and a smaller "Wonderful work, Jade!" under the A.

  "And the teacher said with that score, my grade's pulled up to a B!" Jade exclaimed.

  "Wow Jade, I am very impressed!" exclaimed Jackie.  "Not only your first A on a math test, but a perfect score too!  How about to celebrate, we go out for dinner and a movie?"  He ruffled his niece's hair.  "I've been doing research on the Bat Talisman all day and need a break!  I hope the break lasts until Christmas!"

*Insert JCA theme sequence here.  It's basically the same except Demidevimon is added to the lineup of villains and it's Myo instead of Shendu and stuff like that.*

  Meanwhile, things were not going too well at the Dark Hand headquarters at the Helms Fish Cannery (or whatever it's called.)  The normal crew of the Dark Hand, minus the Shadow Con, were gathered in front of a seven-foot tall stone statue behind Valmont's desk.  Demidevimon flew through the door, panting.

  "Hey master," he panted, landing on the desk.  "Guess what!  We found a talisman that DOESN"T have anything to do with a zodiac or crap like that.  I don't know what purpose it has, but it's called the Bat Talisman!"

  "YES!" shouted the Myotismon statue.  "Maybe your stupidity is more minimal than I anticipated.  I know you don't see this, but I am ecstatic.  The usual four of you who try to stop Chan, go follow him.  The Shadow Con will keep an eye on you."

  So Finn, Ratso, the guy in the orange glasses (I think his name is Chow), and Tohru left the room.  Only to then realize they did not know where the talisman was.

  "It's in an old castle in Transylvania!" shouted Valmont.

  "Thanks, big V!" said Finn.  "It's in Transylvania,' he told the fellow henchmen.

  "Your crew had better not fail me," said the Myo statue to both his right-hand henchmen.  "Especially you, Demidevimon.  YOU recruited them."

  "Hey, I did what I could," said the imp.

  That evening, Jackie, Jade, and Uncle went out for a dinner at a local Chinese restaurant, with Uncle bitching about "TOO LITTLE GOOD SERVICE AND TOO MUCH MSG!  ONE MORE THING!  Where is the waiter when I need him?  ONE MORE THING!  I need to use the bathroom!  ONE MORE THING!…"  This went on for quite some time.

  "I am very proud of you," said Jackie to Jade.

  "Hi Jackie," said a deep voice.

  "AAAAAAAAH!" shouted Jackie, grabbing his fork and standing up, ready to stab the attacker.  He put it down when he saw the familiar bald head and bushy auburn eyebrows.  "Captain Black, don't scare me like that!"

  "Sorry Jackie," said Captain Black.  "Listen.  I'm sorry for startling you like that and interrupting your dinner, but I have some news regarding the talismans…"

  "What is it?" asked Jackie.  "Tell me, Captain Black."

  "Bad news, Jackie.  Valmonts men are hot on the trail of the Bat Talisman.  The crew is headed to Transylvania, where the talisman is safely in its walls, hidden from thieves like the Dark Hand."

  Jade's eyes widened.  "WOW!" she shouted.  "Transylvania, and on Halloween night, too!  I can't wait to go and meet some vampires!!"

  "Jade," said Jakcie.  "Remember, the talismans are for bringing Myotismon back to life and making him more powerful.  He is a vampire and a very dangerous one, too.  If he gets loose he could envelop all worlds in darkness and destroy them.  And his evil digimon friends will rule it too.  Being locked away in the Gate of Destiny can enhance their megalomania."

  "But can I go anyway?" asked Jade.  "Who cares about marshmallow-mania when you can go to Transylvania on Halloween?  Please let me go!  Please please please please pretty pleeeeeeeeeeease with a cherry on top?  With a cherry and nuts and whipped cream and hot fudge on top?"  She made a cute adorable puppy dog face.  "Besides, I can do my homework in the hotel and promise to stay with Uncle!"

  Jackie couldn't say no to that face.  He sighed and said, "All right.  But I need IN WRITING that you'll stay with Uncle in the hotel.

  Jade snatched her napkin and wrote it down.  Then she handed it to Jackie, who put it in his pants pocket.  "You got it in writing.  I'll stay with Uncle IN THE HOTEL."  She grinned mischievously.

  And don't try anything funny, Jade," said Jackie as the waiter handed them the check.  "I have your written promise that says 'I, Jade Chan, promise to stay with Uncle in the hotel.'"

  "Pack your bags, Chan," said Captain Black.  "You're going to Transylvania tomorrow."

  The next day, both crews landed in Transylvania via airplane.  Jackie, Jade, and Uncle got off the plane after it landed.

  "Now landing in Transylvania," said the pilot's staticky voice over the loudspeaker.

  "The flight was TERRIBLE!" Uncle whined as they got off the plane and went into the terminal.  "The food was awful, the bathrooms didn't work, and the movie had no plot!  There was no room for my CHI SPELL!"

  "What the hell do you need a chi spell for?" asked Jade.  "All Jackie's gonna do is get a talisman."

  "To ward off vampires," answered Uncle.  "Any and all vampires."

  Jackie and Jade rolled their eyes.  They gathered their bags and left the airport to catch the bus to the hotel.  The sun had just sunk beneath the horizon.

  Meanwhile, the Dark Hand crew had already reached their hotel that night.

  "WOOHOO!" shouted Finn.  "We're gonna get a talisman in a castle and then I'll get promoted!"

  Ratso looked scared.  "But what about the vampires?"

  "We WORK for a guy who works for a vampire," said Finn.  "You've been around Big M for a long time, ever since the Big V introduced him to us!"

  "yah, but he's a STATUE!" Chow pointed out.  "Statues can't bite ya with their fangs.  Hey Tohru, do you still have the talisman finderer?"

  The big Japanese dude who could have been a sumo wrestler took out what looked like what the old talisman locator was in the show, only it had bats instead of dragon heads on it.

  "Man, the Big M must really have a thing for bats," Finn remarked.

  A crimson laser beam shot out of one of the bat's mouths, right in the direction of the large castle on the mountain.

  Chow looked out the window.  "It's pointing in the direction of that big creepy castle on the hill," he told his fellow antagonists.

  "Big?  Creepy?  Castle?"  Ratso looked scared.

  Suddenly their small picture cell phone beeped.  Finn answered it, and saw Valmont on the screen, looking very impatient.

  "Do you have the talisman yet?" asked Valmont, sounding as impatient as he appeared to be.

  "Not yet," replied Finn.  "We sorta know where it is—"

  "Where is it?"

  "Some creepy castle on a sinister mountain."

  "That sounds easy to get to.  And hurry!  Myotismon keeps telling me to get a haircut!  If you don't come back soon, I'll have to!"

  The image on the screen disappeared.  Finn threw the phone on his hotel bed.  He, like everyone else, thought it was a bit scary at night.

  Ratso stretched and yawned very loudly.  "Man I'm tired," he siad.  "Let's go to bed."

  "Oh no we don't," said Finn.  "We're gonna get that talisman back even if it kills us."  He took his bag and grabbed things from around the room, stuffing them into the bag.

  "What are those for?" asked Ratso.  "It's a stinky vegetable and a holy Christian object."

  "To ward off vampires, dumbass," said Chow.

  "Good," said Tohru.  "Let's go."

  The Dark Hand men left.

  "Welcome to Romania," said Jackie's travel guide.  He had left the hotel to go on a Halloween tour through the city, possibly stopping at the castle.  Jade was with Uncle, doing her homework.  Or so Jackie thought.  "So, Mr. Chan, where are you headed?"

  Jackie took his seat at the front of the tour bus.  "Well," he replied, "I'm going to retrieve an ancient and priceles artifact from the castle on the mountain."

  The tour guide turned a shade of pale that the archeologist had never seen before.  She gulped, then stammered, "The castle?"

  "Why yes," said Jackie.  "Is there something you want to tell me about it?  Let me guess.  They're using it to make yet another Dracula movie?"

  "No, worse than that," said the tour guide.  "Anyone who goes into that castle either dies… or comes out a vampire!"

***

  "Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooringggg!" shouted Bender.

  "Come ON!  I need more of Myotismon!" screamed Amy.  "He is SOOOOOOO HOT!"

  "Silence, you two!" commanded the Whatif Machine.

  Professor Farnsworth nearly had a heart attack.  "My… my… Whatif Machine… it can… TALK!"

  "I've been able to speak since the day I was born," said the machine.  "Now, back to the show."

  The screen made the "movie" resume.

***

  "There are no such things as vampires!" shouted Jackie.  "Well, except for Myotismon, but he's a digital vampire turned to stone, so he doesn't really count as one…"

  "I've seen vampires with my own two eyes," said a gravelly voice from behind Jackie.  The Chinese-American archaelogist turned his head around and saw an old man who appeared paranoid.  "They have cold pale skin, and they come to you in the middle of the night… and when they do, they bare their honest-to-God FANGS!  If it bites you, you turn into one."

  "I refuse to believe a word of this vampire crap!" shouted Jackie, covering his ears as the tour bus took off and wound through the streets of Transylvania.  Little did he know of a tiny little figure reading a Romanian newspaper and humming along to her CD, not too far away.

  Jackie grew more anxious at each passing minute of the trip, not paying attention to the tour guide pointing out various landmarks.  Finally, the bus stopped in front of the castle, and the tour guide let them step out to take pictures.  When no one was looking, Jackie snuck around to the other side and hid before the bus was boarded and left, and then went inside to retrieve a talisman.

  Jackie opened the front door with a creak.  At first he was afraid, but then he remembered that there was no such thing as vampires.  He went inside, coughing from the dust.  He turned on his flashlight and shone it around.  Then he found himself staring into someone's face.

  "AAAAAAAAAH!" Jackie screamed, jumping back.

  "Hi Jackie!" sang Jade, making her cutest face possible.

  "Jade, you wrote that you would stay with Uncle in the hotel!"  He took the napkin out of his pocket, unfolded it, and read it out loud.  "It says, 'I, Jade Chan, promise to stay with Uncle in the hotel.'"

  "Yes, it said 'IN THE HOTEL,' but it said nothing about what I should do outside of the hotel!"  Jade had found the loophole again.  "Besides, this beats shopping for the right chi ingredients.  So what talisman are we searching for?"

  "The Bat Talisman," replied Jackie.  "I read that it has some sort of curse that leads directly to Myotismon in a way."  He whipped out his cell phone.  "I'll call Uncle."  He dialed the number of the hotel room.

  Uncle was in the middle of sorting chi ingredients when he got called by jackie.  "Yes?" he said.  "Do you know I am something in the middle of something VERY important, Jackie?"

  "Uncle, what do you know about the curse of the Bat Talisman?" asked Jackie.

  "I do research AFTER I sort chi ingredients!  ONE MORE THING!  The talisman should be kept away from Myotismon at all costs.  ONE MORE THING!  Never bother Uncle when he's sorting chi ingredients!"  Uncle hung up.

  Jackie shone the flashlight around the living room, with Jade searching for vampires.  He even looked on the bottom of the statues and under loose floorboards.

  Meanwhile, the Dark Hand lackeys— Finn, Ratso, Chow, and Tohro— had entered via the kitchen.  Ratso was hanging onto Chow's leather jacket.

  "Getcha hands offa me," said Chow, swatting at his dumber teammate.

  "But what about the VAMPIRES?" whined Ratso, shining a flashlight at a group of bats, which squeaked and flew away.  "See?  Where there are bats, there are definitely vampires around!"

  Finn rolled his eyes.  "Even if there is a vampire I can still get rid of 'em with what I got!"

  As Jackie was dusting places in the dining room, Jade looked at the fireplace and saw something lodged in the mantlepiece.  "Hey Jackie!" she shouted.  "Look what I found!"

  "Not now Jade," said Jackie, dusting a shelf.

  "But jackie, I think I found the Bat Talisman!" Jade shouted.

  "WHAT??!!" Jackie was incredulous.  He walked over to the mantlepiece.  Sure enough, the Bat Talisman was lodged between two of the stones that made it.  Carefully, he took out a chisel and started chipping away at where the talisman was and took it out.  Then he put it on the table.  "Yes Jade.  Thanks to you, the Bat Talisman has been found!"

  A hand reached out and grabbed the Bat Talisman right out of Jackie's hand.  "It's ours now!" said Finn, who was the one who grabbed it.  "Thank you and good night!"  The four Dark Hand lackeys began to leave until Jackie grabbed a poker and used it as a kung-fu stick, swatting at them.  Then he bent it as it hit the mantlepiece.  He performed one of his moves on them and grabbed the talisman.  Tohru grabbed Jackie and took the talisman.  Jackie smashed him over the head with a chair, but Ratso got the talisman first.  It began to turn into a huge kung-fu battle.

***

  "Now THIS is more like it!" said Bender, on the edge of the couch.  "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!  I bet $20 on Jackie Chan!"

  "I bet $25 on the guys with the weapons," Zoidberg exclaimed.

***

  Finally, Jackie managed to grab the talisman.  He threw it to Jade, who caught it.  Still, he kept fighting those guys.

  "Geez, how long is this gonna take?" Jade asked herself, looking at the Bat Talisman.  It was an octagon-shaped rock with a design of the bat on Myotismon's uniform on it.  "What are they gonna do, give it to Valmont and hope he puts in a good word for them for a promotion from their almighty Lord Myotismon?"

  Suddenly the Bat Talisman began to glow a bright crimson, as if something had triggered it.  Yes, the talisman was working.  Jade was beginning to feel strange, and she began to go through physical changes.

  "Oh no," said Ratso, seeing bats suddenly appear on the ceiling.

  "There are NO SUCH THINGS as vampires!" shouted Finn, shining the flashlight in Jade's face.

  Jade hissed and shielded herself with her new black cape.

  "JADE?" Jackie said.  "What's gotten into you?"

  Jade looked at Jackie in a hungry way.  Her eyes glowed rid and her fangs elongated, aching to feed.  Her skin was also a pale white color.

  "I vill return this talisman to Master Myotismon," said Jade, with a very heavy Transylvanian accent.  "But first… a leetle snack!"  She grabbed Jackie around the neck and attempted to bite it.

  "Jade, stop this!" shouted Jackie.

  "Go Jade!" exclaimed Ratso.  "Bite Jackie and bite him good!"

  Jade heard her snack speak.  She leapt onto Ratso, pinning him to the ground.  She sank her fangs into Ratso's thick neck and drank the blood that gushed out of the punctures.  The bumbling Dark Hand member fell limp, as if he were dead.

  "Deleecious," said Jade, licking her lips.  "And now, I vill return the talisman!"  Jade turned into a little black bat and flew away, the talisman held by her feet.

  Everyone standing realized the same thing.  "Jade's a vampire!" they exclaimed.

  Jackie got the chance to escape.

  "And she bit Ratso!" exclaimed Tohru, lifting Ratso into the air.

  "Which means he's gonna be… Batso!" exclaimed Chow.  "We need to get back to headquarters, and fast!"

  Suddenly Ratso woke up, hissing and baring his fangs like Jade.  Tohru dropped him to the ground.

  "Don't worry," said Finn.  He rummaged through the bag and pulled out an onion.  "Ha ha!  A smelly vegetable!"

  Ratso didn't back away.

  "You DUMBASS!" shouted Chow.  "That's supposed to be GARLIC!"

  "Oh," said Finn.  He took out something else.  "Well look at THIS!  He oughta be running for his life any time now!  I got a Bible!"  He held the Bible up, but Ratso didn't back away.

  "Idiot, it's supposed to be a CROSS, not a Bible!" shouted Chow.

  "Dang," said Finn.

  While this was happening, Jackie edged away and ran out of the castle faster than he had ever run.  He had to stop Jade before something awful happened to the entire world.

  Suddenly his cell phone began to ring.  Jackie muttered, "IT better not be telemarketers."  He answered the phone.  "Hello?"

  "Jackie!  This is Uncle," said Uncle.  "Legend says that the Bat Talisman was created by the Demon Virus Lord himself.  If the person holding the Bat Talisman says the Lord's name, he or she will become one like him.  ONE MORE THING!  The person will become a vampire.  ONE MORE THING!  That talisman is the one that brings Myotismon back to life.  ONE MORE THING!  Those other talismans were redundant.  ONE MORE THING!  You must not let the Dark Hand get the talisman.  ONE MORE THING!  Jade is missing.  Have you seen her?"

  "Later," said Jackie, hanging up.  "Oh, bad day bad day bad day…"

***

  "Aw, I've seen worse," scoffed Bender.  "And Leela's seen worse than any of us put together."

  "HEY!" shouted Leela.

  "Not only that, I just got another $25!" exclaimed Zoidberg.  "So the Dark Hand won!"

  "The hell it did," said Bender threateningly.

***

  "JACKIEEEEEEEEE!" squealed Uncle.  "WHERE IS JADE?!"

  "She took the Bat Talisman and now she's a vampire," replied Jackie, rather quickly.

  Uncle whacked Jackie between the eyes.  "YOU VERY BAD INFLUENCE!"

  "We need to go back to San Fransisco," said Jackie.  "Jade is flying across the ocean as we speak.  And she is a lot faster than the average bat, and even a speedy bat!"

  So the first thing they did was board the next flight back to San Fransisco.  Uncle was leafing through his chi book along the way.

  "It says here that the only way to reverse the curse of the Bat Talisman is to destroy the talisman.  Or the lead vampire, whichever is easier," said Uncle.  "Since it's nearly impossible to destroy Myotismon, your best bet would be to destroy the talisman.  I can also use a chi spell to take the curse away from Jade."

  "You do that," said Jackie.

  "I'm glad we found a way to take Ratso onto the plane," said Finn, carrying a metal cage with a bat in it.  The Dark Hand crew was now in the headquarters at the Helms Fish Cannery.  Jade had ALMOST gotten there.  Jackie and Uncle were nearing the destination by taxi.

  They went up the elevator and entered the giant office.

  "Master Myotismon," said Chow, "your Bat Talisman will be arriving shortly."

  "Good," said the inanimate statue.

  "So you buffoons actually did your jobs," said Valmont.

  "Yah, congrats!" shouted Demidevimon.

  "You be quiet," said Myotismon.

  "Make me shut up!" said Demidevimon.  "You're just a statue!"

  Suddenly Jade the bat flew through the open window, holding a talisman in her feet.  The bat changed into vampire Jade.  "He von't be a statue anymore," she declared.

  "Your talisman awaits," said Finn, making way for Jade.

  That was when Jackie and Uncle entered the room, with Uncle holding a bunch of ingredients for a chi spell.  He began making the chi spell as fast as possible as Jade walked over to Myotismon.

  "NO JADE!" screamed Jackie.  He ran over to her.  "Sorry about this…"  He used a karate kick to knock his niece to the ground and the talisman out of her hands.  "NOW, UNCLE!"

  Uncle stood up with a garlic necklace around his neck and holding a cross.  He began to jump up and down.  "No mo bway fa fi di tao," he chanted.  "Nu mo bway fa fi di tao."

  The chi spell filled the room, and Jade and Ratso changed back into themselves, fang-free.  Ratso was stuffed in the cage.

  "Uh… Finn?  Chow?  Someone?  A little help here!" he said.

  Demidevimon saw the talisman on the ground and picked it up.  He flew over to Myotismon.

  "Oh Jade, I'm so gla you're safe!" Jackie exclaimed, hugging Jade.

  "JACKIE!"  Jade screamed, pointing to Demidevimon and Myotismon.

  Jackie quickly got up and tried to get the talisman away before it was too late.  Demidevimon placed that talisman in the bat clasp that held the vampire's cape together, and the statue began to move.  Color flooded into its body, and before anyone could do anything… Myotismon came to life.

  "If that talisman was the only one you needed, then how come you made my men get all those other ones?" asked Valmont.

  "I wanted to see if they were competent enough," replied Myotismon.

  "This is gonna take one hell of a chi spell," said Jade.  "It's awful!  Myotismon's back and worse than ever!"

  "Ooh," groaned Jackie.  "Bad day…"

  Myotismon darkly chuckled to himself, and the scene faded to black.  Standing out against the black background were three words: "TO BE CONTINUED…"

***

  "A CLIFFHANGER?????!!!!!!"  Fry nearly choked on his popcorn.  "Aw MAN!"

  "Hey, you got what you wanted," said the professor.  "And there are five more to come!"

  "Oh good!  We'll see more of Myotismon!" exclaimed Amy.  "He is SO CUTE!"  hearts appeared in her eyes.  "I love this new Emot-Eye-Con I got last week!"

  "The next episode will come tomorrow, same time, same channel," said the Whatif Machine.  "Do your work, and if you have to go to the bathroom, do it now."

  Everyone got up and left, except for Bender and Zoidberg.

  "I still say Jackie won the fight!" shouted Bender.

  "No way!  The bad guys got the talisman!" argued Zoidberg.  "I demand my $25 back!  I need it for my dry cleaning!"

  "The hell you do!" shouted Bender.  He and Zoidberg got into a seemingly endless fistfight on the floor.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Do you want me to continue?  If I do, new episodes will be going up soon!


	2. The Trouble a 25 Bet Can Cause

Sorry that took so long!  I didn't feel like updating, and had no ideas, and wanted to work on other things.  Now this won't be nearly as long as the first chapter.  I had a brand new idea for this story!  What is it?  Read and see!

Chapter 2

The Trouble a $25 Bet Can Cause…

  The crew returned the next day, which had also been a drag.  There had been nearly no orders, except for a pizza order that turned out to be a wrong number.  Everyone, minus Bender, was gathered in the kitchen.

  "Hey, that was a cool movie," said Fry.  "I wanna watch it again!"

  "What movie?" wondered Zoidberg.  "Oh, you mean the wrestling match between me and Bender over the $25!  Wasn't it just great when I body-slammed him and almost broke my shell, but then he told me to get off but I wouldn't let go of that $25!  I won the fight!"

  "Give me back my damn money!" shouted Bender from around the corner.

  "Gotta scuttle," said Zoidberg.  He scuttled off, $25 bill in hand—er, claw.  "And you can't get it!"  He did not watch where he was scuttling, so he ran right into the Whatif Machine.

  Bender ran into the television room, his robotic hands clenched.  "Give it to me!  I need it for FUEL!"  He took a beer bottle out of his stomach compartment, intending to hit Zoidberg, but instead he hit the machine.

  The professor's face fell.  "Oh God!  You angered it!"

  "Professor," said Leela, "It's a machine.  You cannot anger it, for you never gave it a chip that helped it express human emotions like Bender has."  She looked at the robot and the lobster get into their wrestling match that involved a beer bottle and a stool.  "Or did you?"

  "Well…" Professor Farnsworth rubbed his chin.  "I think I might have installed it…"

  There was a ripping noise.  The $25 bill had torn exactly in half.

  "You bastard!" shouted Bender.  "I could have bought tequila with that!"

  "YOU RIPPED IT!  I'LL KILL YOU!"  Zoidberg grabbed the stool and hurled it at Bender… but missed… and hit… the… Whatif Machine.

  Its screen glowed bright crimson.

  "You angered it!" hollered the professor.

  The Whatif Machine grew two long arms, which clasped around the necks of the two crew members who were fighting, then lifted them into the air.  As Bender and Zoidberg comically ran in place and struggled to leave, the machine began to speak.  "YOU ANGER THE WHATIF MACHINE!  HOW DARE YOU INFURIORATE ME?  YOU WILL ALL PAY!"

  "And how will you do that?" scoffed Fry.

  The machine grew another hand, which picked up the stool and threw it at the rest of the crew, who either ducked or ran away.

  "Someone turn that thing off!" screamed Amy, who was hiding behind the door to the kitchen.

  Zoidberg flailed in the air for another moment, then hit the nearest button he saw.  There was a large explosion as he and Bender hit the ground hard.  The room was filled with smoke, with no sound but everyone coughing.  When the smog cleared, the crew was all in the places they were hidden.  The Whatif Machine still had its three arms, which retracted into its television-like body in a flash.

  "What happened?" asked Leela.  "Did Zoidberg ruin it?"

  "I bet he deed," replied Hermes, taking a calculator out of his pants pocket and punching numbers onto its keypad.  "He's cost the Planet Express dousands of dollars in acceedents out of pure stupeedity.  Not to mention all the feesh and—"

  "SILENCE, JAMAICAN MAN!" shouted the Whatif Machine.  Everyone froze and stared at the machine.  "THANKS TO YOUR LOBSTER FRIEND HERE, THE MOVIE YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING HAS BECOME—"

  "Hey, was there always an Uncle's Rare Finds here?" wondered Fry, looking out the window.  Wasn't that name from the movie we watched?"

  "CORRECT, 20th-CENTURY HUMAN," replied the Whatif Machine.  "AND NOW IF I MAY CONTINUE?  THANKS TO THE LOBSTER, THE MOVIE YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING HAS BECOME AS REAL AS BIG FOOT OR THE TOOTH FAIRY.  YOU ARE NOW LIVING IT."

  "How do we leave?" asked Leela.

  "YOU MUST END THE SERIES," replied the machine.

  "How do we do that?" wondered Fry.

  "YOU WATCHED THE MOVIE.  YOU FIGURE IT OUT, PATHETIC HUMANS, ROBOT, AND LOBSTER."

  "Is Myotismon here?" wondered Amy, her heart skipping a beat.

  "HE IS IN HIS HEADQUARTERS, CHINESE INTERN."

  "YYYES!" squealed Amy.

  "Nice going, Zoidberg," growled Bender.  "Now we have to get rid of this guy before the world gets ruined.  I wanted to be the one to ruin Earth!"

  "Not just that," added Fry.  "This is 3002, right?  That means that Myotismon is going to take over the UNIVERSE!"

  *Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn…* played three chords in the background.

  "Where the hell did that come from?" asked Bender.

  "Dis is now a movie, mon," Hermes informed him.  "Thanks to ZOIDBERG."  He glared at the lobster, then sighed.  "I guess we'll have to welcome the newcomers."

  Meanwhile, just as Myotismon was about to attack the living snot out of everyone, clouds of bluish smoke filled the air.  Everyone ceased their movement and started coughing.  That was the point when zoidberg ruined the Whatif Machine.

  "Uncle!" shouted Jackie.  "Was that a chi spell?"

  "What chi spell?" replied Uncle.  "Uncle did no chi spell just now!"

  "Then what's the smoke doing here?" asked Jade.

  Everyone felt themselves tumbling through the air until the smoke cleared.  Jackie, Jade, and Uncle found themselves lying on the floor of the main salesroom of Uncles Rare Finds, completely intact.

  Jackie rubbed his head.  "What just happened?" he asked.  "I thought we were…"

  Jade sat up and looked out the window, where she saw a strange-looking futuristic red building in front of her, and behind that was the New New York skyline.  "Oh my gosh…" she breathed.  "Jackie!  I have a feeling we're not in San Francisco anymore…"

  Jackie and Uncle got up and looked outside.  Jackie said, "I think we got sent to the future."

  "COOL!" squealed Jade.  "I can't WAIT to tell my friends at school about this!"  She began to head out the door, but Jackie grabbed her by the hood of her sweatshirt.

  "Jade," warned the martial arts master, "you don't know anything about the future.  You don't know what's out there!"  He glanced out the window and saw Fry and the others walking towards the antique store.  "AAAAAAAAAAH!  A GIANT LOBSTER!" he yelled, then scrambled to hide behind the desk where he did his research.

  "Uncle will get the water boiling," said Uncle.  "Dinner will be lobster tonight."

  "No!" shouted Jade.  "They might be our friends!"  She opened the door before anyone got a chance to knock.  "See, there are humans here too!" she yelled to the two elders.  "And a robot!"  She bent down and saw Nibbler sniffing her leg innocently.  "And a cute widdle animal!"  She pet Nibbler, who immediately opened his mouth and trapped Jade inside.  She began screaming and squealing.

  "Nibbler!" scolded Leela.  "Spit her out!"  She pulled Nibbler's leash, and the animal spat Jade out.  She was covered with drool and dazed.

  "Cool!" she exclaimed.  "I wanna do it again!"

  "No," said the cyclops.  "If he swallows you, you'll emerge as dark matter shortly afterwards and be used as rocket fuel."

  "Cool," repeated Jade.  "Rocket fuel!"

  "So you are also from the past, huh?" asked Fry.  "So am I.  I'm Fry."

  "Jade Chan," said Jade, introducing herself.  "The man hiding behind the desk is my uncle Jackie, and the old guy is Uncle."

  "Pleased to meet you," said Leela.  "I'm Leela.  I believe you got to know Nibbler."

  "Hey, who's the robot?" asked Jade.  "Can I talk to him?  I.  Am.  Robot."

  "You have a lot to learn about us robots, meatbag," Bender back-talked.  "Name's Bender.  Those are Professor F, Amy, Hermes, and Zoidberg."

  "Hi," said Jade.  She grimaced as she saw Farnsworth.  "Ew, he's older than Uncle!"

  "But Uncle is better chi master!" said Uncle.

  "But I'm the better inventor!" replied Professor Farnsworth.  "I also happen to be handsomer than you."

  Jackie began to come out from his hiding place, but walked towards the mob carefully.

  "Hey, he's the guy who cost me $25!" shouted Zoidberg, pointing a claw at Jackie.  "Get him!"  He began to storm towards Jackie, who immediately grabbed a floor lamp and wielded it like a ninja stick.  Fry and Leela began to restrain him as Jackie hit him on the head.

  Jackie sighed with relief as Zoidberg fell to the floor from the impact.  "Phew," he said.

  "Don't mind heem," said Hermes.  "He con be a jackass most of da time."

  "But can you help us defeat Myotismon and finish the movie?" asked Fry.  "For us?  I don't like living a movie!"

  "What the HELL are you talking about?" asked Jade.

  "Jade!" scolded Jackie.  "Watch your mouth!"

  Fry realized that the Jackie Chan Adventures characters knew nothing about being in any sort of series or movie, so he decided to just bribe them.  "If you defeat Myotismon for us, we'll take you on a tour of New New York!"

  Jade's eyes widened.  "Please, Jackie?  Please please PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?"  She hugged Jackie around his legs.  "I wuv you Jackie!"

  "Fine," replied Jackie, sighing.  "At least there are some humans to protect us.  So what are we doing?"

  Unfortunately, the antagonists had also been transported to New New York.  But the Helms Fish Cannery was not.  So they were in the nearest villains' headquarters —actually the ONLY villains' headquarters— in the city.  It was all interiorly decorated in pink and purple, with more of a feminine touch.

  "Hello!  Get me out of here!" shouted Ratso, who was still stuck in his cage.  Finn, Chow, and Tohru rushed to his aid, doing whatever method was needed to unlock the cage.

  "If we may turn to IMPORTANT matters," said Myotismon, pacing the floor.  "Chan and the others are most definitely here as well.  I want you all to find them and kill them all.  And where the bloody hell are we?"

  "And why the bloody hell are you in my headquarters?" asked a woman's voice.  "For that matter, who the bloody hell are you?"  The double doors on one end of the room opened to reveal a skinny old woman in a purple leotard and black tights whose gray hair was styled in a heart shape.  She was followed by her three "sons", hairless guys in brightly-colored suits.

  "YOUR headquarters?" asked Demidevimon.  "Lady, whatever Myotismon chooses to reside in is HIS headquarters."

  "Well he has to choose somewhere else to take his little excuse for a—" one of the sons began before he was slapped by who appeared to be the lead one.

  "Shut up!" snapped the oldest son.  "I'm the only one who talks!  And what kind of name is MYOTISMON?"

  "A digital name," replied Finn, stepping away from the cage.  "Tell me yours, wise guy."

  Before the oldest could open his mouth, the old lady introduced herself.  "I am Mom, founder of Mom's Robot Oil as well as the richest woman in the world and the greatest villain in the world on top of that."

  "Richest?" asked Valmont.  "Says you.  I was the wealthiest man in San Francisco—"

  "WAS?" questioned Mom.  "So, whitey, you're saying that you're not rich anymore, so you're stuck working for THIS guy?"  There was a pause.  "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

  The three sons began laughing as well, but the oldest slapped the other two.  "Shut up," he said.

  "Thank you Walt," said the elderly dominatrix.  "And you guys, GET THE F*** OUT OF MY GODDAMN HEADQUARTERS!" she screamed.

  The Dark Hand members gasped.

  "What, haven't you heard swear words before?" questioned Mom.  "HA!"

  "No, it's not that," replied Chow.  "You just told Myotismon to leave.  You'll be sorry for that…  I'm not kidding, you really will!"  He saw the vampire advance on Mom, holding a whip that was glowing crimson.

  Myotismon paused.  There was a deafening silence.  Then he attacked.  "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!"  He swung his whip of lightning, which hit Mom right on target.  It electrocuted her, making her gray hair stand on end.  Then it whacked her so she flew out of the window on the north wall, breaking glass and making her fall over a hundred stories into a garbage-recycling truck below.

  "I knew this would be my undoing…" muttered Mom as the truck took her and the waste away to the nearest processing plant.

  "The headquarters is mine now!" exclaimed Myotismon.  "And I have three new henchmen!  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

  "What do you want us to do?" questioned another son.

  "I want YOU to get all this pink stuff out, it hurts my eyes so much," dictated Myotismon.  "Shadow Con… find Chan and the others and attack them!  Stop at nothing!  And put the talisman to good use!"

  "…I like pink," said Ratso, still from inside his cage.  "Hey hey what are you doing?"

  Tohru picked up the cage and threw it onto the floor.  The door popped open.

  "Madison CUBE Garden?" asked Jade.  "I thought it was Madison Square Garden!"

  "It was until 2443," answered Professor Farnsworth.  "That was when three-dimensional extreme basketball was invented, so Madison Square Garden was renamed Madison Cube Garden in its honor.  The sport was a very short craze indeed, but the name seemed to stay…"

  The Planet Express had a blast showing Jackie, Jade, and Uncle various points of New New York.  Uncle bought chi ingredients in Little Neptune and drove everyone crazy doing so.  Jade loved riding the transportation tubes so much, everyone chased her all over for over an hour.  Jackie accdentally walked into a suicide booth, but was rescued by Fry just in time.  At that time, it was night and they were going to a head concert at Madison Cube Garden starring all the top singers and rappers of the 21st century.  Since they had won front-row tickets in a radio contest, they had planned to go anyway.

  At that time, one of the backstage assistants saw the Bat Talisman on the ground and mistook it for one of the stage props.  He unknowingly dropped it in the head jar right before the concert began…

  "Oh boy!" Jade squealed.  "I can't wait to see who the future stars are!"

  "Me too!" Fry agreed.  "But they're not technically future stars.  They're from ancient times now."

  "Aw, they were all ripoffs of each other," scoffed Leela.  "But I did like their style of music."

  Jackie sighed.  "Uncle, do you HAVE to do a chi spell here?" he asked.

  "And what is Uncle supposed to do?" whined Uncle.  "Watch these bands who think screaming is an art?  ONE MORE THING!  The music is too loud!  ONE MORE THING!  I need to complete the spell to stop Myotismon!  ONE MORE THI—"

  "And now… we proudly present… ARTISTS OF THE 21ST CENTURY!" shouted a voice over the loudspeaker.  Uncle quieted down, and everyone enjoyed the show.

  It went without a hitch until the end.  The grand finale was Britney Spears's head singing yet another remake of "Oops I Did It Again."  It was wheeled onto the stage in its jar… but instead of looking like she usually did… Britney's head looked like a vampire.

  "She's gone Goth!" exclaimed Jade.

  "No, she's a VAMPIRE!" shouted Uncle, wielding a piece of garlic and scrambling onto stage.

  "I vant your blood," said the vampire Britney's head.  It leapt out of the jar by itself and attacked the nearest human or humanoid or anything with blood: Leela.  She knocked her to the ground and attempted to bite her neck.  The security guards dragged her head off, but Britney's head's eyes glowed bright red and formed a rope of crimson lightning that dragged Leela onto stage.  Uncle threw a garlic clove at the pop star's head and she hissed at him.  Then she bit Leela's neck and drank her blood.  Then she proceeded to the nearest security guard, who flew away as a vampire.

  "Oh my GOD!" shouted Professor Farnsworth.  

  "I NEED THE CHI SPELL!"  Uncle dove offstage and frantically mixed ingredients.

  Leela lay motionless for a moment, then she arose dressed in all black, with a cape.  She had white skin, dark eyes, and fangs.  "Fry," she said, rolling her "r".  "I vant your blood.  NOW!"

  Fry screamed like a little girl as audience members ran away in a large stampede.  Uncle took a garlic necklace and started singing "Nu mo bway bi fi de tao" frantically.  Leela turned back into a humanoid mutant and fell to the ground.  Jackie caught her.

  "What happened?" she asked, rubbing her head.

  "You were turned into a vampire!" exclaimed Fry.  "I'm SO glad you're all right!"

  "Yeah, just like Myotismon!" added Amy.  "Aw… I wish I was a vampire…"

  "You guys better get out of here!" shouted a passing alien.  "I just saw it!  All the members of N*Sync, the members of N*Sync 2, the Beastie Boys, the members of Linkin Park, Madonna, Eminem, and Popstar-Bot are all vampires!  Go away before they all get you too!"  He squirmed away.

  "You mean ROBOTS can become vampires too?" asked Bender.  "I thought I was SAFE from that spell!"

  Uncle picked up his chi spell and climbed onto the stage as Madonna's head bounced across and attacked an audience member far to the left.  "I need to rid this place of vampires!"  Hermes and Jackie grabbed his legs and dragged him down.

  "No Uncle," said Jackie.  "It's too late!  That little chi spell isn't going to help ALL those guys turn back into humans!"

  "Then there's only one thing left to do," said Fry.  "Call me crazy, but I think it's the only way to do so.  We have to fight Myotismon."

  "That was exactly what we were going to do before you dragged us away!" exclaimed Jackie.

  Just then a head jumped onto an overhead spotlight and knocked it to the ground.  The stage caught in fire and was on the verge of exploding.

  "But first, RUN!" shouted Leela.

  Jackie, Jade, Uncle, and the Planet Express crew ran as fast as they could out of Madison Cube Garden before they became vampires themselves, or died in the spreading fire. 

To be continued…


	3. A Chi Spell for Mayhem

A/N: Writer's block is no fun! :(  But luckily the Futurama Season 1 DVD's were there to watch during vacation. :)  I made some mistakes in the second chapter that I would like to correct.  First of all, Mom's sons aren't bald.  Second, Nibbler does not eat humans.  That's about it, I'm afraid.  I'm trying to make everyone more in-character and doing what I can.  On with the long-awaited chapter three!

Chapter 3

A Chi Spell for Mayhem

  Shortly after both crews escaped from the fiasco at Madison Cube Garden, the professor commissioned that the all the Planet Express building's security systems be activated.  He pushed a button, and suddenly there was a crash.  Everyone looked around and saw that every opening to the outdoors was plated in a thick sheet of steel.  The lights came on automatically.

  "There," said the elderly professor.  "Armor plating and a force field to boot.  Now nothing can get in or out.  That's right, NOTHING!"

  "Not even TV signals?" wondered Fry.  "_All My Circuits_ is about to come on."

  "Nothing," repeated Professor Farnsworth.

  Fry moaned and buried his head in his hands.  "Aw man!  Now I'll never find out if Calculon can cure Monique's computer virus before his evil twin unleashes the deadly Y4K virus into her system and—"

  "Fry, there's more important things to worry about than TV," Leela pointed out.  "Like if we'll all turn into vampires."

  "Leela's right," added Jackie.  "Can't we just get to sleep and get Myotismon while he's safely in his headquarters, wherever he is?"

  "THIS PLACE IS NOT VAMPIRE-PROOF!" whined Uncle, stepping up to Professor Farnsworth until their noses were less than an inch apart.  "It needs chi to compleeeetely secuuure it.  ONE MORE THING!  You are veeery stupid professor!  ONE MORE THING!  My complete chi collection is in the antique store, and there is armor and a force field blocking my waaaaay!"

  "Chi?  Oh puh-leaze," scoffed Jade.  "Not with this high-tech gadgetry!"

  "I NEED MY CHI!" griped Uncle.

  "Bull pies!" retorted the professor.  "My force field can protect our office from the strongest laser beams!"

  "But not bad chi!"

  "Besides, you young whippersnapper, I already deployed the force field so nothing can get out either, and I'm not about to turn it off just so some weirdo can get some of his rubbish for making his soup."

  "IT NOT SOUP, IT CHI!"

  "Come on, professa," Hermes persuaded from the couch.  "Your force field don't cover chi, so a spell increases our security by 43%!"

  "Oh fine," Farnsworth condescended.  "But I'm not going over there to get it for him.  He'll have to get it himself."

  "NEVER!  NOT WITH VAMPIRES RUNNING RAMPANT!" shouted Uncle.  "JACKIEEEE!"

  "No, no no no way am I going over there," asserted Jackie.  Though he was brave enough to fight the Dark Hand singlehandedly, he knew that venturing outside on his own would be incredibly foolish, especially because when you became a vampire, you could not be controlled by anyone except the Vampire Lord himself.  Unless I have backup.  Right, professor?"

  "Absolutely," agreed Farnsworth.  "Fry, Leela, and Bender will go with you."

  The three of them, trapped, looked at each other and racked their minds for excuses.  They wouldn't dare go without some sort of vampire-proofing themselves.

  "Oh, I'd love to," replied Leela, grinning sheepishly, "but… uh… I have sweaty boot rash.  I… uh… have to go clean my boots!"  She backed away quickly and escaped into the bathroom.

  "And I… have to… uh… go shine up my metal ass and sort through my robot porn," added Bender, backing away in another direction and escaping into the hall.

  "Wait, isn't your ass polish in your apartme—  Oh, right!  I… just have to go."  Fry chimed in, then ran into the kitchen.

  "Well, there goes your backup," said Jade.  "You might as well go too, Jackie."

  "That's it!"  The elderly professor threw up his hands in exasperation.  "IF YOU THREE HAVE CHICKENED OUT, THEN I'LL HAVE TO USE A REAL MAN FOR THE JOB!  Where's Zoidberg?"

  "Who cares?" asked Hermes.  "He'll just screw it up, like alweeys."

  The professor looked around the room and at who remained in it.  Jackie… Jade… Uncle… Hermes… Amy… Amy!  As an intern, she had to do something heroic.  "Amy!"

  Amy looked up from painting her fingernails.  "Yeah, professor?"

  "Go get the chi ingredients for us!  They're in Uncle's Fine Antiques, right across the street."

  "But—"

  Before she knew it, Amy found herself standing outside on the sidewalk, staring at the armor and glowing force field around the Planet Express headquarters, which had just been reactivated.  She looked down at the sidewalk and sulked to herself in Chinese.  The streets were unusually vacant from the vampire transformations.  Everyone opted to remain indoors, and even the bums enclosed themselves in their cardboard boxes.  She crossed the street and went into the antique store.  "Stupid Uncle and his stupid chi…  stupid *Chinese equivalent of the f-word*ing chi…  I don't even know what it looks like!"

  She scanned the room and finally saw a pot surrounded by different leaves and items that didn't appear to be antiques.  "So this must be the chi."  She picked up a petrified lizard.  "Ew!"  The intern dropped it into the pot, then loaded all of the other chi ingredients into it for convenience.

  As Amy ventured back to the door, wondering why the others were so worried about doing a simple task like this, there came a knock.

  "Yeah, yeah, I got it," she muttered, opening the door.  She gasped and dropped the pot just as she saw who was standing on the other side.  "WAAAAH!"

  "Hey, who's the lady?" wondered Ratso.  "I've never seen her before!"

  Walt, Mom's oldest son, took her by the wrist and held her so tightly she struggled to let go.  "She looks Chinese.  Must work for Chan."

  "I DON'T work for Jackie!" insisted Amy.  "Don't you know who I am?"

  "No," replied Finn quickly.

  "Hey, she looks like one of the Mars Wongs!" exclaimed Igner, the one with a stripe of maroon hair as well as Mom's youngest son.  "Hey guys, I got an idea.  If we hold her hostage in the HQ, then her parents might pay a hefty price for—"

  "Getting her back!" Walt finished off.  "What a fantastic idea!  I'm glad I thought of it."

  "You creeps aren't taking me ANYWHERE!" shouted Amy, struggling to break free of Walt's strong grip.  "Just… just wait until Jackie Chan comes to rescue me!  You'll be sorry you ever messed with a Wong!"

  "We've shot business rivals that haven't yelled as much as you," said Walt.

  "Yeah!" added Larry, the middle son.  He had brown hair and was the scapegoat of the three sons.

  Walt slapped Larry across the face.  "Quiet, you.  Quick, tie her up and throw her in the limo!"

  Before she could do anything else, Amy got tied up with a rope and got a bandanna tied around her mouth.  Tohru carried her outside to Mom Corp's hovering white limousine, then stuffed her into the trunk.  Every lackey who worked for Myotismon quickly got into the limo, which hovered towards the robot company building in a flash.

  Half an hour later, Jackie decided to speak up about Amy's absence.  "You know, Amy sure has been gone for a long time.  Longer than a trip across the street should take."

  "He's right!" exclaimed Leela, who had returned as soon as she heard that the job had been taken by someone else.  "She should have been back here twenty minutes ago."  She picked up a garlic necklace that was lying on the conference room's tabletop.  "And why is this necklace lying here?"

  "Oh dear, oh dear lord…" muttered Farnsworth.  "I must have forgotten to give that to Amy…"

  "YOU TOO SENILE!" whined the unmistakable voice of Uncle.  "My memory stays sharp as a tack from my tea recipe!  ONE MORE THING!  I would have remembered to give Amy the garlic necklace!  YOU BAD PROFESSOR!"

  "Typical 80-year old man attitude…" griped the ancient professor.  "I am twice as old as you and have accounted to more in life than you ever will!"

  "BUT YOU CANNOT REMEMBER SIMPLE VAMPIRE REPELLANT?"

  "I have remembered more than you at the tender age of 80!  My IQ was reported to be over 200 then!"

  "WHAT HAPPEN TO IT NOW?  NOW IT MATCHES MY AGE!"

  "Break it up, you two!" shouted Leela, pushing herself between the two elderly men before a fight ensued.  "So Amy might have gotten herself captured.  We have got to look for her before that creep takes over the universe.  You two just pretend you're friends for now so we don't have more problems burdening us down than we already do now.  Now shake hands and make up."

  The professor and the chi master turned their backs on each other.

  "Does your grandpa always act like this?" Jade whispered to Fry, who had also returned.

  Fry shrugged.  "Actually, he's my—"

  "FINE!" snapped Professor Farnsworth.  "But only until we get my intern back."  He turned towards Uncle.

  "Uncle, please make up with the professor," pleaded Jackie.  "It's the only way we can successfully defeat Myotismon."

  "Oh, veryyy well then," compromised Jackie's uncle.  "But if chi not found it all YOUR fault!" he added to the professor.

  "But we can't ALL go," Jackie pointed out.  "Someone needs to stay behind in case Amy comes back, while some of us go out and look for her.  I am willing to volunteer for the job, but…"  He put on the garlic necklace.  "…I will need vampire repellant and backup."

  "ME!" Jade volunteered, jumping up and down.

  "No, Jade," said Jackie brusquely.  "I might have been lenient on you when you snuck into Fort Knox when Valmont had the power of the Dragon Talisman, and let you come to Transylvania with me before we got to this cockamamie future world, but you will not, not under any circumstances, over my dead body, come along on this vampire-thwarting mission.  Now you watch Uncle and make sure he doesn't get into a wrestling match with Farnsworth over there."

  The spunky girl pouted and stuck out her lower lip.  "Jackiiiieeeeeeeeee…" she complained.  "I don't want to stay here!  It already smelled like cigars and drinking and robot oil and lobster carcass and sweaty boot rash and old man BEFORE Uncle added his garlic odor to the mix!"

  "Garlic make mind sharp and agile!" Uncle informed everyone present, pointing to his head.

  "Oh come on, Jade, cigars don't smell THAT bad," said Fry.

  "That's because you hang out with Bender all the time!" argued Jade.  "The cigars and drinking and robot oil smell wouldn't even be here without him around!"

  "Bite my shiny metal ass!" retorted the robot.

  "All dis closed-quarters business is raising our tension level by 250%," said Hermes.  "Just go and find Amee before someone geets der head cut off.  Like Zoidberg!"

  "ME?" grunted the lobster.  "Cut MY beautiful head off?"

  Jackie took two of his fingers and whistled with them in his mouth just as a shouting match was about to ensue.  The entire Planet Express crew, Jade, and Uncle stared at him with wide eyes.  At first he forgot what he was about to tell everyone, but then he remembered after five seconds of an unbearable silence.  "Don't you see what's happening?  Being cramped together in this headquarters is getting to us.  The sooner a group of us goes out to find Amy and delete Myotismon, the sooner everyone can… can just get along."

  "Absolutely," agreed Hermes.  "Anyting to get Zoidberg out of da office."

  "But first…" Farnsworth strolled over to the video phone and punched several numbers into the keypad, waiting for the second party to acquire the signal.  "…we need to contact someone who I know can defeat any entity in the universe, just in case a pathetic CHI spell doesn't work.  Leela, as captain of the ship, I suggest you talk to him, captain to captain."

  "Sure thing," said Leela, sitting down at the conference table.

  "Wait!" said Jackie.  "I thought— but, nothing's supposed to escape the—"

  "Jackie, this is 3002," the cyclops reminded the martial-arts master.  "The signals of video phones can go through the armor plating and the force field, in case we really need help.  I sure hope this captain is more competent than that pompous buffoon—"

  Leela's fears were realized as that familiar voice echoed through the room.  "Why hel-lo, my lovely Leela!  Finally deciding to call me in the midst of crisis?  How… erotic!"

  "Oh God… it's Zapp Brannigan…" she muttered to herself, then sighed.  "Look, it wasn't my idea to call you—"

  The blonde man on the other side of the screen grinned to himself and interrupted.  "Oh, I wish we could all believe that, my sexy cyclopian, but we know you want me… say the word and I'll be at your door, ready to make sweet sweet love to you like we did the first day we met."

  "Shut up," said Leela, looking away from the screen and crossing her arms.  "Look, the professor wanted you to come and help us defeat the vampires that have been terrorizing New New York.  We even have Jackie Chan on our side!"

  "Jackie… Chan?" asked Zapp.  He turned himself away from the camera and mumbled, "If Chan is in my Leela's office, he could seduce her with his cheesy kung fu moves… I need to go over there to see that my lady isn't stolen away from me."  He turned back towards the camera and answered, "Why, I will leave the safety of the DOOP's Nimbus and come right over to where you are to protect you from the vampires.  Let's go, Kif!"  The videophone turned itself off.

  "Well, Leela, looks like you're boned!" exclaimed Bender, lighting a cigar and smoking it.  "Again!"

  "Will you just SHUT UP?" shouted Leela.  "I slept with him once, so get over it!  I never loved him, and he forced me into it!  I just wanted to have a captain-to-captain rendesvous but then he starts… seducing me and stripping in front of me, crying about how lonely he can be, so I climb into bed with that fat jerk and try to comfort him like a mother does a child, but then…"  She shivered.  "… he suddenly tongue-kisses me until I can't breathe and removes my top, and then—"

  "LEELA!" shouted Jackie.  "Need I remind you that JADE is in here with us?"

  Jade merely stood in her spot, eyes wide and eagerly awaiting the next line.

  "And then I don't remember what happened next," whispered the cyclops.  "I remember drinking a lot of champagne with him before that, but when I woke up the next morning, I found myself naked and underneath velour sheets, next to Zapp, with a slight hangover, too scared and confused to do anything.  Anyway, I was too drunk to know I did it."

  "Uh… huh…" said Bender.  "That's what you want us to think!"

  Finally, Amy awoke in a prison cell on one side of what used to be Mom's office, but had been changed into a stone office with no windows, torches on the walls, and a massive wooden desk against one of the walls.  She was untied, but too exhausted to move.  "W… where am I?" she managed to ask.

  "You are in the headquarters," replied Walt, who walked up to the cell.

  "Uh… we're holding you hostage," added Ratso.

  "I'm the only one who should talk!" snapped Walt, striking Ratso across the face.  "Shut up or I'll tell Myotismon to fry you with his Crimson Lightning."

  Amy sat up.  "Wha… what about Fry?  Is he here too?"

  "No; what would we do with a loser like him?" asked Walt.  "I was telling him to shut up or I'll tell Myotismon to fry him with his Crimson Lightning.  We work for him, and if your parents or other loved ones come quick you will permanently become a vampire like him."

  "A… v… vampire?"  Amy's eyes lit up.  "You mean I'll spend eternity with Myotismon?"

  "Whether you like it or not."

  Amy decided to tell a lie to be with her dearest Myo, silently praying that Mom's sons would buy it.  "Well… my parents wouldn't want me back anyway," she fibbed.  Or possibly just stretched the truth.  "I haven't mothered a grandchild for them despite being a smizmar for Kif… but they think I'm a total disgrace and wouldn't take me back if YOU paid them a billion dollars!  Don't even bother calling them; they want nothing to do with me."

  Walt began chuckling to himself.  "Well then, so ends the portion of your life when you DON'T have fangs!"

  "What was wrong with Captain Black?" asked Jade, who was talking to Jackie personally in the kitchen.  "He seemed like a better person for the job than Zapp."

  "I tried calling him, Jade, but apparently he wasn't transported to New York City like us," sighed Jackie.  "I guess we'll have to settle for that guy Leela slept with…"

  "For your information, he slept with me!" Leela breathlessly shouted from the next room.  "If I hadn't overdosed on the champagne, then I would have made like a stocking and run!  And as for Amy, she's not in the antique store!  All I saw was some clay shards on the sidewalk surrounded by a few leaves…"

  "My chi!" exclaimed Uncle.  "Amy must have been captured by the Dark Hand and—"

  There came the rumble of a ship touching down, which could have only been one thing.  Zapp and Kif had arrived.

  "Oh God, they're here!"  The cyclops quickly walked away.  "Hide me, somewhere… anywhere!"

  Professor Farnsworth pressed a button on a nearby control panel, and the front door opened and quickly closed.  "Good news, everyone!  Er… bad news, Leela.  Zapp is here and ready to help us with our vampire problem!"  Everyone immediately crowded around the table in the conference room, and if they couldn't get a seat they stood up, or in Fry's case, sat on a nearby cabinet.

  The door to the conference room opened with a crash, and standing in the doorway was a grinning Zapp Brannigan, followed by the exasperated-looking Kif.

  "Never fear, the Zapper's here!" said Zapp, entering the room.  "Oh, and so is Kif.  Kif, write my plan down in case I forget.  I have a complex plan that must go off without a hitch."

  Kif groaned and whipped out a writing pad and pen, at the same time wondering what happened to Amy.

  "But what is the plan?" asked Jade.  "Come on, what's the plan?"

  "Get that kid out of here," ordered Zapp.  "She's cramping my style.  I'm going to get to the plan as soon as I can.  You cannot rush genius."  He took his position at one side of the table, then began pacing in deep thought.

  "You'd think traveling would give you lots of time to think of a plan," Jade muttered.

  "You be quiet," berated the blonde captain.  "The only one who can speak to me is the lovely lady Leela… and she can tell me how she feels about me anytime…"  He walked towards a disgusted Leela and leaned on her chair.  "I'll be willing to return the favor anytime… very seductively, I might add."

  "I think you're a fat, pompous, idiotic jackass," retorted the cyclops, turning her chair away.

  "HELLO?  THE PLAN!" squealed Jade.

  "Yes, get to the plan already so I can get some sleep, dammit!" added the professor, pounding the table.  "It's 10:30 at night, for God's sakes!"

  "Ah, night… the perfect feeding time for vampires…" mused Zapp.  "Kif, are you getting this down?"

  "Yes, captain," murmured Kif.

  "Good.  The plan is, we will wait until tomorrow morning, when the vampires are most vulnerable.  We will go outside armed with garlic, wooden stakes, crosses, whatever fancy stuff it takes to kill a vampire.  Then we will find the lead vampire and send wave after wave of my men after him, each armed with killing stuff.  When the lead vampire is killed, the other vampires will follow until every one is gone.  And bam— problem solved, thanks to me, Zapp Brannigan.  Say, Leela… if you like a dangerous vampire-slaying man… the Zapper's here anytime!"

  Leela rolled her eye.

  "That doesn't sound complicated to me!" said Jade.  "Not much of a plan, if you ask me.  Captain Black can think up better plans.  And let's not forget Jackie!"

  "Get that kid out of here," said Zapp for the second time.  "And we will put the plan into action… tomorrow.  I'm bushed after a day of tough travel.  I'm going to sleep.  Where's the nearest bed?  And Leela, if you don't have a place to sleep, you are WAY more than welcome to—"

  "I'd rather sleep in Nibbler's litter box."

  "Sure, sure, whatever rocks your socks… whatever's the most seductive to you…"

  Leela sighed.  This was going to be a long night.

  "I CALL THE COUCH!" shouted Fry, making a beeline for the couch in front of the TV and flopping down onto it.  That was the only thing possibly related to a bed.

  This was going to be a very long night.

  "Fine den, everyone else gets da floor," said Hermes, taking his coat off to make a makeshift pillow.

  "CLOSET!" shouted Bender, dashing to the nearest broom closet and shutting himself inside.  "Hmmm… cramped and cozy!"

  The professor, who had his own bed, left the room and turned the lights off.  "Good night, everyone!"

  Leela laid herself down on the floor of the lounge, angry at herself for not wearing anything that could be used for a pillow.  At least Hermes was next to her, so there was someone she could remotely trust to not sleep with her…  but was that the smell of lobster carcass?

  "Zoidberg, you stink up da room!" shouted the Jamaican man.  "Go to your dumpster!"

  The lobster refused to budge from his spot.

  This was going to be an extremely long night.

  "Why Leela, how dangerously romantic…" whispered a voice in her ear.  Leela turned over onto her other side to see Zapp.  "A fear of getting caught always adds a little bit of spice to it…"  She immediately faced Hermes again.

  "I have to go to the bathroom!" whined Jade.  "Where are the bathrooms?"

  "HOW COME PROFESSOR GET BED AND I SHARE FLOOR WITH IDIOTS?" whined Uncle.

  "Fry, quit snoring!" shouted Jackie, covering his ears.

  "Where's Amy?  I can't sleep without knowing where she is!"  Kif began to sob.

  This was going to be the longest night ever.  No questions asked, the longest night ever.

To be continued…


	4. The Mission Begins

A/N: I cannot think of anything to say for the author's note at the moment, except it's Labor Day and school starts tomorrow.  This chapter is a bit long, with a lot of swearing on Mom's part.

Chapter 4

The Mission Begins

  After an extremely long night of tossing and turning, Leela awoke to a loud and very consistent banging noise that was worse than Fry's snoring.  She groaned and covered her ears with her hands, trying to stick her head underneath the couch to muffle the sound even more.  Worst of all, it was coming from the next room.

  "What in Babylon?" she heard Hermes interject.

  "The noise!  It's too loud already!"  That was Zoidberg.

  "I'll say!" Hermes snapped back.  "It's bad enough that thanks to you this place reeks of lobster, but even worse with something making that awful noise!"

  "Arrrgh…" was all Leela had to say.  "Why won't it quit?  I was up all night trying to keep Zapp out of my pants!  Plus with Fry's snoring keeping me up all night…"  She kept her eye closed and wished the cacophony would cease.

  Suddenly, Fry gave everyone the answer to the source of the noise.  "Hey Jade, what are you doing to the Slurm machine?"

  "Yeah, girlie," added Bender.  "The way to get a free Slurm is to do this."  A sound of something extending, and then the ching of quarters filled the room.  Bender had stuck his arm up the slot and made his way to the money, grabbing a handful of quarters on the way out.  He gave one to Fry, who stuck two in the machine, pushed a button, and waited for a Slurm to come out.

  "No," sighed Jade.  "It's not that.  I'm really mad at this stupid machine because it won't give me the pop I want!"

  "What?"  Bender sounded a bit guilty.  "I didn't tell it anything."

  "This stupid future sucks," complained Jade.

  "LANGUAGE," Jackie reminded her loudly.  Leela groaned again.  At least HE sounded awake.  Either that or grouchy because that incessant noise woke him up—

  "I mean, this stupid machine sells Slurm, Diet Slurm, Extra-Concentrated Super Slurm, Cherry Slurm, Vanilla Slurm, Slurm Blue, Tropical Slurm Remix, Coffee Slurm, Slurm Code Red, Orange Slurm, Mystery Slurm, Minty-Fresh Slurm, and even Herbal Green Tea Slurm, but they haven't invented Chocolate Slurm?  Geez, what a rip!"

  "Actually, Jade," said Professor Farnsworth, who sounded as if he had a good-night's sleep, "Chocolate Slurm was discontinued after it caused cocoa-related cancer in laboratory rats."

  "Really?"  Jade sounded enthralled already.

  "Oh my, yes," answered the professor.  "Brown spots appeared on their bodies and they began smelling awfully like chocolate, and… well, you do not want to find out what happened to them then."

  I_f you can't beat em, you might as well join em…_ thought Leela.  She got up from under the couch and opened her eye to see Jade, Bender, Fry, and the professor standing by the newly-installed Slurm machine in a nearby room.  Jackie was awake, but still on the floor.  Everyone else she saw, minus Zapp and Kif, were asleep on the ground.  She looked at the clock, which read 6:45.

  "My God, it's so early…" she muttered.  "Jade, why did you have to wake us up?"

  Jade shrugged.  "I wanted a soda, I guess." she replied.

  The cyclops walked into the kitchen, not caring about how terrible she looked with her bed head or bloodshot eye.  She pushed a button on the coffee machine, shoved a cup underneath a spigot, and waited for the cup to fill up with some coffee.

  "Hey Leela, what happened to you?" asked Fry.  "You look like you got into a fight with a spice weasel.  BAM!"

  He and Bender laughed at the little pun he made.

  "It's not funny, Fry," Leela reprimanded.  "For your information, your snoring kept waking me up.  Plus I was on the hard floor, and next to Zapp, just my luck…"

  "I'll say!" jeered Bender.  "WOO!"

  "Did I miss something?" asked Jade.  "I know Fry was snoring, but what's all this about Zapp?"

  "Speak of the devil…" muttered Leela, seeing Zapp and Kif entering the room.

  "Ah, both the beautiful flowers of the team are awake," said Zapp.  "Me and Leela.  This is going to be one sexy mission…"

  "Put a sock in it, fatso," snapped the cyclops.

  "And I mean it too," added Fry.  "If she hasn't had her coffee, she's like 'AAAAAAAAANNNNAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGNNNNNAAAANNNNAAAA!  LEAVE ME ALONE!'"  He felt a hand slap his face.  "OW!  See what I mean?"  He poured himself a coffee.

  "Captain, I am not feeling awake," said Kif.  "May I have a coffee, sir?"

  "No, Kif," replied the DOOP captain.  "You make me a coffee.  Double tall mocha latte with three sugars… cream… and don't skimp on the whipped cream.  And put it in an actual coffee cup, not one of those Philip Fry-type Styrofoam cups."

  Kif groaned.

  "And don't forget to clean up the mess," added Zapp.  "Now if you excuse me, I am going to go take a shower.  Oh, and will you scrub all the places I can't reach?"  He slung a towel over his shoulder and headed to the emergency chemical burn shower, which was the only shower in the entire office building.

  Kif shuddered and began to search for an actual coffee cup.

  Five minutes later, Jackie and the others were awake as well, with all the humans (except Uncle) raiding the coffee machine.

  "UNCLE NEEDS HIS TEA!" griped Uncle.  "WHERE THE GREEN TEA?"

  "And where are the PRAWNS?" added Zoidberg.  "Is it just so hard to get prawns?"

  "You should have thought of that before you lost your $25," retorted Bender, snickering.  "Wait a second… I could have bought more booze!  GIVE ME THE $25!"

  "People, people—er, robot, lobster, please, what are you fighting about?" asked Jackie, coming in between the two as if to intervene.

  Bender sighed.  "It's a long story that involved a bet… I bet $20 that you would win against the Dark Hand, and then Zoidberg bet $25 that the Dark Hand would win against you."

  "You placed a bet on me?"  Jackie sounded flattered.

  "But the robutt beat me up!  I won the bet, I did," insisted the lobster.

  "No you didn't," argued the robot.  "Now give me my booze money or you're pending for a bending!"

  "Just try me, you—"  Before Zoidberg could say anything, Bender bashed him over the head with Nibbler's food dish.  The lobster fell to the ground.

  "Well, dat got reed of our lobster problem," commented Hermes.  "Nice work dere, Bender."

  "Just doin' my job," said Bender, taking $25 out of Zoidberg's lab coat pocket.  "And that's the end of that chapter."  He stuffed the money into his compartment.

  "Ah, my crew is up," said Zapp's voice from the doorway.  The heads of everyone who was conscious turned to see Zapp and Kif standing in the doorway.  Kif was holding a scrub brush and looking disgruntled; Zapp was completely naked except for his towel around his head.

  Jackie clamped his hands over Jade's eyes.

  "Oh lord…" muttered Leela.  "Put on a towel, will you?"

  "But I DID put it on…" replied Zapp with an air of seductiveness.

  "I mean around your waist.  It's bad enough that I have to look at your fat self without having to see your 'lower horn.'  Now put some pants on and start initiating your plan before the world becomes vampire-ized!"

  Hermes grinned.  "Oooh, we don't want dat."

  Zapp left the room to put on his uniform, making Kif follow.  Jackie uncovered Jade's eyes, and Zoidberg regained his consciousness.

  "You missed something wonderful, lobster boy," said Jade.  "Luckily, you're not alone, as Jackie covered my eyes and made me miss it too."  _Man this sucks,_ she fumed to herself.  _What's the point of seeing the future if Jackie won't let me see anything?  Stuck here with two old men and a drinking robot and an idiotic lobster and a ditz who can't help but get into some sort of trouble?  Well even if I am in the future, I can still find the loophole when Jackie's on a mission…_

  Jackie opened his mouth, as if that thought was a cue.  "Jaaade… remember, if I catch you hiding in the ship, you are going to be in the biggest trouble yet."

  After Zapp put on his red uniform, he said, "Leela!  I have chosen you to come with me on the mission.  Three others can fit in the ship comfortably, four if we throw Kif out."

  "I choose Fry to come with me," canvassed the cyclops.  "Yes, sir, he's the universe's number-one delivery boy, though his coffee mug says differently…"

  "I'm not going anywhere without my buddy," Fry chimed in.  "Bender's joining us in our vampire-thwarting mission!"

  "Plus," added Bender boastfully, "A little fire can show those fang-faces who's boss.  And I'm a fire-belching machine!  Observe!"  He took a Lö Bräu beer out of the refrigerator, polished it off in one gulp, and belched a blaze of flames."

  "Fine, the robot's in," agreed the DOOP's captain.  He leaned in towards Fry and lowered his voice.  "And remember, if you look at another woman during our mission, Leela will be mine."

  "Fat chance," retorted the redhead.  "But who else will go with us?  Can I pick, please?  Please?"

  Zapp sighed.  "Fine, Fry, as long as you make a choice that won't result in us being dead…"

  Fry looked around the room, considering each person as a likely candidate.  Professor… Uncle… Jade, who was running off to go somewhere… Hermes… Zoidberg…

  "Ooh, ooh!  Pick me, Fry!  Pick Zoidberg!"  The lobster raised his claw, hoping Fry would ask him to go along.

  "I choose Jackie Chan!" exclaimed Fry.  "If you ARE Jackie Chan.  I heard he was just a head at the head museum—"

  "I AM the real Jackie Chan…" said Jackie, sounding a bit exasperated.

  "Well I choose you!" said Fry.  "Then again, Zoidberg seemed to be a likely candidate…"

  "Just choose Jackie," muttered Leela.

  "Well, Kif, looks like our team is complete," said Zapp.  "And now… let us go to our ship!"

  "This is the ship?" asked Fry, looking at a tarnished aluminum contraption that looked like a larger (and longer) verson of a space pod and shaped roughly like a cross between a sausage and a shark (only it had a pointed nose for more speed), with giant glass windows on the front half and a huge rocket on the stern.

  "Cozy… just the way I like it," said Zapp.  "I give you the _Cumulus_.  My personal transportational ship, when a normal space pod just won't do.  It has all the comforts of home… a kitchen… bathroom… even a mini-Lovenasium especially for you and me, Leela."  He clicked his tongue and put his arm around Leela's shoulder.

  "Take it off, or I break it off," threatened the cyclops.  "Plus, I have better things to do than go on a wild goose chase stuck in a ship with you, CAPTAIN."

  "You've got us," Bender reminded her.  "And we've got Fry for unlimited entertainment!"

  "Guys, be serious," said Jackie, who seemed to be the only levelheaded one in this situation.  "Do we want to defeat Myotismon or not?"

  "I dunno," said the robot.  "DO WE?"

  Jackie sighed.  _Immature dunderheads,_ he thought to himself as he and the others climbed aboard.  The interior was cozy and cramped.  The pilot's podium stood at the front behind a control panel.  Red couches lined the border, and there were two doors that led to either the kitchen or outside.  There was even a television hanging from the ceiling.  _But that sure is an interesting ship._

  Not too long afterwards, they passed the sign that read "Now Leaving the Sun's Solar System" in normal text, and underneath that in the alien code it read "If you were searching for puny humans, you missed Earth six planets ago."

  "What did that alien code read?" asked Jackie.

  "Well, there's no turning back now," said Zapp, who was piloting much to Leela's outrage.  "We're on the skyway to wherever Myotismon is.  Now if I were a vampire, where would I hide?…"

  "Vampire planet?" wondered Fry.  "Is there one?  I mean, there's one for just about everything."

  "I wish it were that easy, Fry," said Leela.  "But vampires are just about everywhere after they all fled their planet."

  "But Myotismon is from an entirely different dimension!" Jackie mentioned.  "It's going to take a miracle to locate him!  I mean, if there are God-knows-how-many planets out there, it would take a miracle to find him!"

  Suddenly the TV flickered on, and the image of a shabbier-looking Mom came on.  Her hair was out of place and her face was smudged, and she appeared to have something unidentifiable on her shoulder.

  "HEY CAPTAIN BRANNIGAN!  Are you there?  I already wasted some of those damn minutes looking for you in the rest of that B. S. DOOP, but you weren't there!" she scolded.

  "Hey, it's Mom!" exclaimed Bender.  He waved.  "Remember me, Mom?  I'm your favorite robot!  That mirror said so!"

  "Cram it, metalhead," retorted Mom.  "I want to talk to Zapp!"

  "Why hello, Mom…" greeted the captain.  "How are the kids?"

  "Do I look like I give a crap about my children?" asked the old lady.  "I've just been through the garbage-recycling plant and just barely escaped my death in a trash compactor, only to see my headquarters filled with a buttload of ugly horror crap.  I suspect it was that Myotismon and his damned goons, changing my lair like that.  I was going to give those bastards a piece of my mind, but they seem to have skipped town.  Or Earth even."

  "Watch your mouth!" reprimanded Jackie.  "And you kissed your mother with that?"

  "Hey, I never kissed my mother," said Mom.  "And Zapp, if you don't make him shut the hell up, I'll never tell you about where that vampire is."

  "Will do," replied Zapp.  He nodded to Kif, who sighed and clamped his hands over Jackie's mouth.  "So… where is Myotismon?  Your headquarters?"

  "The nice camera courtesy of Mom's Old-Fashioned Video Surveillance Unit will give you the answer, Captain Ignoramus."  Mom pushed a button, and a black-and-white video played.  On the video, Amy sat on top of the vampire's coffin in a crypt that was full of burning candles, wearing a revealing black dress and watching something in the door.

  "AMY!" shouted Fry.  "Is she OK?"

  "She looks OK to me," answered Leela.

  Suddenly, the lights dimmed in the room on the video, but everyone could see Amy clearly.  Then another figure entered the room, which was Myotismon wearing nothing but a short black bathrobe and holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.

  "Hey, he stole my idea for scoring Leela with the 'cham-pag-in!'" shouted Zapp.  "And who is that?  Is he getting her hammered so she won't know what to do when Myotismon comes for her?"

  Jackie remained silent for a few seconds.  "Uh… Captain Brannigan… that… IS… Myotismon."

  "He's a lot more seductive than Zapp, that's for sure," commented Leela.

  "You'd know that, right Leela?  WOO!"  Bender called out.

  They watched in awe as the vampire poured him and Amy champagne, and then as they drank it they spoke in quiet voices, kissing occasionally.

  "Wha— what's he doing to Amy?"  Kif had tears in his eyes.

  "Seducing her…" grumbled the blonde captain with an air of jealousy in his voice.  "Is he going to… oh God, no!"

  Myotismon stood up and undid his bathrobe, letting it drop to his feet.  He was wearing nothing but a tight black leather thong, and looking quite good in it with his well-muscled figure.  (Zapp looked remorsefully at his own fat potbelly at this point.)  Then he took Amy into the coffin, and no one could see any activity for quite some time, but there were a few excited moans.

  "Wha… HE'S MAKING SWEET LOVE TO MY AMY!"  Kif threw himself onto the couch and cried.

  "What are you crying for, Kif?" questioned Zapp.  "I found someone who's a better ladies man than me!  Look at him… his muscles… his hair… his seductive nature… all better than mine!"

  Suddenly there came a knock on the door.  Myo immediately leapt out of his casket and quickly put on his bathrobe and tied it.  "Yes, come in…" he sighed.  While he was talking one of his servants entered the crypt.  "Just when I was about to turn her into a vampire, they come in and tell me something I don't want to hear…" he muttered.  Then he began to speak.  "What do you want, Valmont?  Are you finally getting that wreched excess hair cut off?  Or are you deciding to fire Finn and the others and replacing them with COMPETENT workers?"

  "Neither," replied Valmont.  "Myotismon… master… it's worse than we anticipated.  The family Wong has sent out a search party to find us, and Amy.  They have tracked us down and are closing in.  So there are only two options for us, sadly.  The first was Ratso's… stand here and take it like men, or in Larry's trivial opinion we can flee the city, or even the planet."

  "He might have an actual plan for us…" said the vampire.  "If we temporarily leave Earth and go to another planet and return when those pathetic humans least anticipate it… we shall leave tonight!"

  "So… am I going to become a vampire tomorrow?" asked Amy, sitting up with the sheet concealing her front side.

  "Exactly," replied Myotismon.

  The video ended at that point.

  "GET HIM AND MY SONS, YOU IDIOTS!" screamed Mom.  "If you don't, I'm going to stick this video where the sun don't shine."  That broadcast also concluded.

  Jackie rolled his eyes.  "This is asinine," he said.  "I am obviously dreaming this.  I am going crazy.  Why would an old lady use curse words, and how come—"

  "Nope, you're awake," said Fry.  "I… just know these things."

  "So where are we going to find Myotismon?" inquired Jackie.  "Vampire planet?"

  "No," replied Zapp.  He stared ahead.  "Such a ladies man would only take Amy to one planet.  That would be Eros 69, the planet where all sexual desires are fulfilled.  I myself asked to be one of the sexy men to arouse the ladies, but alas… I was too good for them."

  "I wonder why," muttered Leela, very sarcastically.

  "Oh boy!  I wanna go right now!" shouted Fry.  "I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait!"

  "TO EROS 69!" shouted Zapp, steering the _Cumulus_ towards the planet.

  Their excited shouts turned into disappointed groans.  A sign read "Eros 69—Next 4 Lanes", and underneath, those four lanes were congested with traffic that extended out of the solar system.

  "Well it looks like we're in a traffic jam and won't get to Myotismon in time," said Jackie.

  "Won't get to whaaaa…?" asked Zapp.

  "This is pointless!" exclaimed Jackie.  "Won't he be somewhere else?"

  "I think I know…" said Kif.  "Nightmarion 5 seems quite likely…"

  "I agree with Kif," said Leela.  "If he wants to lie low, he wouldn't go to what might be the most popular planet in the quadrant.  He'd want to go to one no one would think of going near…"

  Bender walked out of the room into the kitchen.  "Man, all this travel is making me thirsty.  I'm gonna get a beer."  He closed the door and looked around the tiny kitchen for the refrigerator.  As he got a cold bottle of Lö Bräu beer, he saw something move behind a sack of rations.  "That had better not be Nibbler," he threatened.  When the robot pushed the bag aside, he saw Jade grinning.

  "Hi Bender, what's up?" she asked innocently.

  "A stowaway, eh?" asked Bender.  "I know just what to do about you.  HEY CHAN!  LOOK WHAT I FOUND ON THE SHIP!  A little shrimp!"

  Jackie came running into the kitchen.  "Oh Jade…" he sighed.  "I just do not know what to do with you.  I told you—"

  "You told me, and I quote, 'If I catch you hiding on the ship, you'll be in the biggest trouble yet.'  And BENDER was the one who caught me hiding in the ship, so I guess I can't be in any trouble!"  Jade smiled a toothy grin and closed her eyes, making an adorable face.  "Another loophole found by Jade Chan!"

  Jackie sighed.  "Fine… you can come with us," he acquiesced.  "I just wonder what Uncle will think about this…"

  "WOOHOO!" squealed Jackie's niece.  "Just like those space superheroes!"

  The _Cumulus _sped off on a detour towards Nightmarion 5, with its seven passengers on board.  Little would they know that the trip would take much longer than anticipated.

To be continued…


	5. Saved By the Smell

A/N: No, I am not dead!  (I was just dormant.)  I hope you like the beginning.  I sort of took it from the episode "The Farnsworth Parabox," but this time it actually has a point.  I might be considering a rating change if it gets too inappropriate for a PG rating, but I'll try to keep it as tame as possible.

Chapter 5

Saved by the Smell

  The light dimmed, and the temperature grew chilly.  Two seconds later, it brightened more than ever, and then the temperature grew to almost 80 degrees.  Dimmer, brighter, dimmer, brighter.  Hermes and Zoidberg looked up at the lights, wondering what the hell was up with the lighting fixtures.  (The Jamaican bureaucrat even glared at the lobster, suspecting he had something to do with this.)  Even Scruffy the janitor, who was interrupted while reading his "Zero-G Juggs" magazine, appeared perplexed.  No, it was not an imminent electrical outage; Uncle and the professor were fighting over the Chandelier-Mo-Stat.

  "THE LIGHT IS BLINDING ME!" hollered Uncle, turning the knob down to the dim and cool side.

  "The temperature is so cold, even I wouldn't go naked in it!" argued Professor Farnsworth, turning it back to the bright position.

  "NAKED?  Haaave you no decenceeeee?  THAT SIGN OF BAD CHIII!"

  "I've seen hoboes from the planet Pariah Zero who weren't as big freaks as you!  Fuff, talking about your… 'precious chi' all the time has rotted the brains right out of your ugly little head with its hair that looks as if you're constantly touching a PLASMA BALL."

  "YOU UGLY!  I've seen PRUUUNES less wrinkled than you!  And I eat pruuunes for BREAKFAST!"

  "Well no wonder you're always going to the toilet on a clockwork basis!  It's young whippersnappers like you who think just because your colons are properly functioning, you think you're 'all that.'  Well I tell you what, have you ever--"

  "Uh… would'joo mind keepin' th' volume turned way down?"  Scruffy's gruff voice interrupted the shouting match.  The two elderly men looked to see Scruffy, Hermes, and Zoidberg standing in the room near the doorway.  "I've been tryin' to watch ma stories an' read ma lit'rature."  His "Zero-G Juggs" magazine was rolled up in his hand.  "Dontcha be arguin' 'bout when ya go to the turlet when there's bigger fish ta fry."

  Professor Farnsworth took this opportunity to quickly turn the switch of the Chandelier-Mo-Stat to the brighter/warmer side.  Uncle glared at him and began shivering.  Hermes began to reprimand the two opponents.

  "Speaking of Fry, obviously SOMEONE is stinkin' up da place.  Eet all smells like GARLIC, and me knowledge of Fry tells me dat he cannot stand garlic.  Eet's either you…"  Hermes pointed at the professor, "…or you!"  He thrust a finger at Uncle, then began sniffing the air.  "UNCLE, GEET DAT AWFUL STENCH OUT OF DA OFFICE!  And you, professa.  Dis rivalry weeth Uncle has gone too far!  You are both acting like leetle children, and eet is forbeeden by Regulation 24.18C, ordering everyone to ACT DERE AGE!"

  All Zoidberg had to say was, "Finally!  They're not yelling at Zoidberg!"

  "Jade, Jade, Jade…" muttered Jackie from the room next to the kitchen.  "Outer space is no place for a nine-year old to travel, much less this newer New York City.  I mean, we could run into a crossing meteor—"

  "Wrong, Jackie," Leela pointed out from next to the window.  "There are regulation intergalactic highways where the chances of getting hit by a meteor are almost zero."  Outside the window, a passing Glagnar's Human Rinds truck collided head-on with a large meteor, which resulted in a huge, fiery explosion.

  "Or…"  the kung-fu fighter rubbed his chin.  "Or aliens could abduct you and probe you!"

  "Hey, I've been abducted and probed five times!" exclaimed Fry, who was sitting on a beanbag chair and watching TV.  He had taken his jacket off.  "Sure, it takes you by surprise the first time, but by the third time you get used to it.  Nothing bad's happened to me."  He got up, scratched his butt, and headed for the kitchen.  Jackie winced as he saw probe scars covering Fry's lower back.  "They didn't even brain my damage," he added.

  "And weirdos at every corner!" continued Jackie, pointing at a hookerbot who was smoking a cigarette as she stood on an asteroid.

  "Hey, I've spent the night with half those hookerbots!" exclaimed Bender.  "Don't you be callin' em weirdos; they know how to please a manbot!"

  "But they're COOL!" insisted Jade.

  Bender's eyes widened.  "You know the hookerbots?  Can ya give me their numbers?"

  "No, not the whadayacallits," argued Jade, shaking her head.  "The meteors, the aliens, the weirdos, the spaceships, the UFO's, the planets, the robots, New York City… all of it!  I wanna see it all!  All those times I tagged along with you before— stealing the Snake Talisman from the museum with you and Viper, seeing the fight between you and that pansy El Toro up close and personal, going to Fort Knox and fooling the guards and taking the Dragon Talisman away from Valmont before he stole all that gold, and don't forget using the Sheep Talisman to turn into a ghost and getting into Melvin World for free!"

  "Pshuh.  I got into this 'melvin world' for free every day," scoffed Fry, who had returned from the kitchen with a bag of Soylent Doritos.  "In elementary school.  I got at least three melvins a day."

  "No, I wasn't talking about wedgies," said Jade.  "I'm talking about a moose!"

  Fry looked baffled.  "They gave mooses wedgies?  How did they get the underpants to fit them?"

  Suddenly, there came a crashing noise, and the _Cumulus_ began spinning around at breakneck speed, hurtling into the void of space like a boomerang.  Fry, Leela, Bender, Jackie, Jade, and Zapp got plastered against the walls from the force of the collision.  After two minutes, it ceased and the _Cumulus_ hovered in the void of uncharted space.  Everyone dropped to the floor, the humans slightly green.  Bender and Zapp were the only ones who seemed completely intact.  "Bad news, crew," said Zapp, standing up and dusting his red uniform off.  "I'm afraid we've been blown off course."

  "How can we get blown off course without any wind in outer space?" asked Leela, her eye half-closed in exasperation.  She, Fry, Bender, Jackie, and Jade stood up as well.

  "Or… knocked off course, I forget which one.  Anyway, all I know is that we got hit by one of those damned meteors and got a really nasty dent, possibly a fender bender, in my beautiful manly ship.  We got spun around, and all I know is…" he paged through the Universal Geographic Atlas of the Universe, "… our coordinates are currently uncharted."

  "Let me see that," muttered Leela, snatching the atlas away and paging through it.  "My God, I think we ARE in an uncharted region!  I tell you, once those cartographers know Eros 69 is ahead, they pay no attention to anything else…"

  "So we're lost in space?"  Jade hugged Jackie, her lower lip quivering.  Jackie tried not to look afraid, but inside he was terrified.

  "Relax, Jade," Leela assured her, placing her hand on the child's shoulder.  "Everyone's been lost in space at one time or another.  It's part of being a pilot, just like an encounter with space banditos, or a drive-by shooting from the Robot Mafia, or going on an escapade through the digestive tract of a carnivorous blind space slug."

  "Man, those three days inside the slug were a blast," reminisced Fry.  His personal reply was getting hit on the head by an annoyed-looking Leela.

  "Shut up, Fry."

  Zapp, acting like a competent captain for the first time… well… ever, strode over to the video phone and punched in a number.  A bored-looking Neptunian woman with a gaudy platinum-blonde updo who was blowing a bubble-gum bubble and filing her crimson-polished nails answered.

  "Universal Travel Helpline, this is Andromeda speaking, how may I help you?" she asked, sounding as if she were reciting from a textbook, not looking up from her nail filing.  She punched in something on a keyboard with her two free hands.

  Zapp made a smile so sweet it could have even made Bender want to vomit.  "Why… hello, Andromeda.  My, you're looking sexy today…"

  "Cut to the chase; I'm a very busy Neptunian," dictated the blue alien, a hint of vexation in her voice.  "You want help on the road or should I just hang up?"

  "No!  No no no!"  Zapp shook his hands at the camera in protest.  "Look, you better get some help fast… my ship broke down somewhere outside…"  His voice became a whisper.  "…Eros 69."  Seeing that Andromeda was not receptive, he sighed in relief.

  "So you and possibly some of your perverted friends got horny, big deal," muttered the Neptunian sarcastically.  "Where are you exactly?  What's wrong with your ship?  What's it look like?  What's your name?"

  Zapp was trapped.  If they found out his name, the tabloids would have a field day.  "Uh… I don't know exactly!  We were spun off course when a meteor hit our ship!  The _Cumulus_!"

  Andromeda looked at her computer.  "Well we don't have that ship name on the GPS— Galactical Positioning System—user list.  And since we don't know where to find you, well… good luck trying to fix your ship!"  The video phone turned off.

  "Well, we're boned," said Bender facetiously.  "Yes, my friends, we are boned.  Boned, we are.  _Nosotros somos _boned.  We're boned—"

  "You're not helping, Bender," berated Jackie.  "Can't someone familiar with the ship go out there and fix it?"

  "Right," said Zapp.  "KIF!  GO OUT THERE AND FIX THE SHIP!"

  Meanwhile, the five who remained at the office were going through some problems of their own.  Professor Farnsworth had to put up with Uncle, Uncle had to survive the company of the professor, Hermes and Zoidberg (who had temporarily called a truce between themselves) had to endure both of the egotistic seniors, and Scruffy thought he had it the worst because he was a janitor.  Currently they were in Farnsworth's invention room.

  "See?" boasted the professor.  "I have invented more than you, and made more money to boot!"

  "Not much, I see…" murmured Uncle.  "The only ANTIQUE you know about is YOURSELF!"

  "But have you ever singlehandedly built a working delivery ship and invented over 100 fancy gadgets AND managed your own delivery company?"

  "But I'm da manager!" Hermes reminded the professor.

  "Yes, Hermes, we all have wishful thinking," the professor said as if consoling him.  "It's better than owning one of those junk stores like those ones in the politically-correct 'Oriental-American Living and Shopping District!'  Oh come on, I mean we've all seen antique shops.  They're the most common business in New New York, next to Sexatoriums.  But intergalactic delivery companies… those sure are one of a kind!  Especially one owned by someone who invented THIS!"  He pulled a white bedsheet off of a large telescope with two viewing holes instead of one.

  Uncle went "Phht!" skeptically.  "There is no joy in faulty telescopes!  The TRUE pleasure is selling authentic bronze statues from as far back as the Zhou Dynasty!"

  "This is NOT a faulty telescope, you blockhead!  This is the Smell-O-Scope, designed exclusively for tracking the scents of heavenly bodies, and even the distinct odors and aromas of my crew!"  He pushed Uncle towards the Smell-O-Scope and forced the tubes into his nostrils.  A small portion of the ceiling and force field opened, and the lens extended through the hole.

  "IT SMELLS TERRIBLE!" screamed Uncle, leaping away.  "It's uncomfortable and unsanitary and disgustiiing!"

  "Oh, flimflam," scoffed Professor Farnsworth.  "Everyone who's had a nose in this office used it."  He sniffed it.  "See, I'll point it at the planets with the most interesting bouquets."  He cranked it in some directions.  "Here's Jupiter.  It smells like strawberries."

  "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MEEEE?  I'm allergic to strawberries!"

  "Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe…"  The lens moved upwards and to the left.  "This one is the intergalactic bazaar… it smells different every day!"

  "BAZAARS ARE NOTHING BUT CHEESY FLEA MARKETS!  Ripping off of wholesome antique shops!"

  "Well, what about Sicily 8?  Mmmmmm… smells like cannoli today!  And here are the smouldering remains of Vergon 6… oooh, that's almost off the funk-ometer!  And Chapek 9 always has the most interesting smell of valve oil…  Or how about this bawdy planet in another quadrant… Eros 69, I believe it's called.  I am popular with the ladies there…"  He grinned, but then his face fell.  "Vodka and robot oil?  My God, that's Bender!  And there's Leela with the smell of cosmetics and the distinctive hint of sweaty boot rash… and Fry!"  He shuddered.  "I know THAT odor anywhere!  But why is my crew on the way to Eros 69?"

  "Dey're gonna get a talking to…" muttered Hermes, taking the Smell-O-Scope and sniffing.  "But dey're not moving!  And according to dis, da smell of strong perfume and candles are too far away for dem to be on Eros 69 right now…"

  Suddenly the video-phone went off downstairs, and the Jamaican manager dashed down to answer it.  "Hello, Planet Express deleevery company," he said benevolently.  "Our crew ees replaceable, your package eesn't!"

  "HERMES!" shouted Fry.  "Thank God you're here!  The _Cumulus_ got hit by a meteor and now we're stuck in the uncharted region near Eros 69!  And I don't like this one bit… Zapp's starting to give me suspicious glances!"

  "What were ya doing near Eros 69?  Taking a leetle break?"

  "No no no, I swear!" exclaimed the redhead.  "Look, we passed it while searching for Myotismon and the Dark Hand and now our ship is broken down and we don't know where to go, and the lady on the other end of some hotline can't help us!  Hermes, I NEED you guys to save our butts before someone kills someone!"

  The video phone turned off, and Hermes walked upstairs.  "Everyone, dey need us to save dem… dey're lost in some uncharted region… where's da map?  I had eet right on da table, right next to Zoidberg."  He pointed to the table that was supposed to have the map of the universe on it, but it was absent.

  "What map?" asked Zoidberg, a piece of the map poking out between his mouth flaps.  Then he gulped it down, and Hermes glared at him.  "I thought it was my dinner," he admitted.

  "Well, dere goes our map," said Hermes.  "Now how weel we find dem?"

  The professor's eyes lit up under his glasses.  "I know!  We'll use the Smell-O-Scope!"

  "That is the DUMBEST IDEAAAA—"

  "No, Uncle, da professa has a good idea!" exclaimed Hermes.  "We con follow Fry's, Leela's, and Bender's scents to dere location.  Eet weel be easy, since dere not going anywhere and dere smells never change.  We'll take eet to da sheep and point it out da weendow and one person weel smell eet unteel we geet dere!"

  "Well, then, let's pack up, everyone," said Professor Farnsworth.

  "Has anyone seen Jade?" questioned Uncle.  His reply was a quick "No."

  "Scruffy seen someone," replied Scruffy, who was leaning on the stick of his broom.  "I seen a black-haired cutiepie run outdoors an' into th' fancy-shmancy ship b'fore anyones could sees her."

  "That must be Jade!" shouted Uncle.  "Quick, quick, load up the ship!  NOW!"

  Back in the _Cumulus…_

  "So Fry, did you get help?" wondered Leela.

  "Yeah, but it was just Hermes.  He didn't seem to help at all," replied Fry.  "But what the hell is this place, anyway?  It feels like the Bermuda Triangle.  I mean, what if we get lost here and can't escape?"  His eyes widened and he placed his hands against the window.  "It's awful… trapped for eternity with everyone here… and when we run out of food we'll have to EAT EACH OTHER!  My God… what if this was a BLACK HOLE?"

  "Relax, Fry," said Leela.  "No one is going to have to eat anyone.  If Hermes told the others where to find us, then they're on their way right now.  I mean, they know where Eros 69 is.  They have a reliable map by Rand McNagnax.  And besides, this can't be a black hole.  If it were, we'd all have been crushed to death right now."

  Jade jumped up.  "Look!  Look!"  She pointed to the window.  "There's something coming to help us!  No, two somethings!  Wait, there's more!  And they're coming towards us!"

  Zapp got out of his fetal position on the floor and quit blubbering.  "Really?  Someone's helping us?  We're SAVED!"  He kissed Leela on the cheek.  "WOOHOO!"

  Leela slapped the blonde captain across the face as Kif entered the room.  He looked as if he had been crying for hours over the loss of his Amy.  "Hey Kif, you feeling better?"

  "Yes… I think I am…" replied Kif quietly.  "I… still miss Amy, though…"

  "We all miss Amy," said Fry.  "Hey, maybe they're here to bring her back too!  I mean, they ARE riding on ponies with black ponchos, and Amy loves ponies, right?"  He paused.  The sound of maraca music started playing faintly in the background.  "Say Zappster, are there any rattlesnakes on board?"

  "A RATTLESNAKE?!"  Zapp looked frightened.  "Where?  Where?  Where?"  He started running around.

  "No, wait…"  Jackie analyzed the sound.  "It sounds more like… maracas?"

  Leela's face fell.  "Oh God!  It's worse than we thought!"  She looked out the window.  "SPACE BANDITOS!  And they're headed straight for us!"

To be continued…


	6. Space Banditos

A/N: Hello again!  I apologize for my delay.  This chapter has a bit of comic mischief and a reference to a certain bodily excretion, which are the most offensive elements in here.  Anyway, the "space banditos" were referenced to in the Futurama episode "The Lesser of Two Evils" (the one when Bender's twin Flexo helps them deliver a million-dollar atom to a beauty pageant) but never made an appearance.  I also make a SPAM joke in this chapter— look for it!  And now, it is time for fulfilling your crossover needs with Chapter 6 out of 15 (as in, this story will have fifteen chapters).  Enjoy!

Chapter 6

Space Banditos! (And Other Stuff)

  The space banditos, Mexican bandits dressed in black space suits, black masks, and red ponchos, were mounted on black horses wearing black ponchos, space helmets, and jet packs.  They had surrounded the _Cumulus_, and the sound of maracas resonated in the room.

  "SPACE BANDITOS?  SPACE BANDITOS?  AAAAAAAAAAH!"  Zapp tried to dive under the couch, but his gut got him stuck.  Then he tried to hide under a table next to the couch, curling himself up and biting his nails.  "I want my mommy!" he squeaked.

  Bender began running around.  "Quick, Leela!  Save my banjo!  Give them anything but my banjo!"

  "How about that washboard you kept saying you'd play but never did?" wondered Fry, but nobody was listening.

  "Guys?" asked Jade.

  Leela threw up her hands in exasperation.  "Relax, Bender, your stupid banjo is safe, given it's in your stomach compartment."

  "Yes, but what if they take me?" asked Bender, lengthening his arms and wrapping them around Leela.  Her face turned beet red and her eye bulged out.  "Leela, if I am taken, promise you and Fry will avenge me and my banjo!"

  "Heyyyy, how come you won't avenge me?" interrogated Fry.

  "Guys?" Jade asked, a little louder and more annoyedly.

  "Are you a BANJO?" the robot sarcastically asked the redhead, squeezing Leela even harder.

  "Jade, please stop bothering us when we're trying to find a way to get rid of these silly space banditos or whatever they are," reprimanded Jackie.  "Why you didn't stay back at the Planet Express where it's safe, it gets me."

  Fry glared at Bender.  "Geez, my holophoner costs a jillion times more than your stupid banjo and can play a bazillion times better music, and I'm not worried about it.  I'm not all 'Save my holophoner!  Save my holophoner!'  What is it with you and folk music, anyway?  I thought you hated it!"

  Bender's arms retracted back to their normal length.  He was caught.  He looked at Fry and racked his excuse files for something to change the subject in this awkward moment.

  "GUYS?"  Jade appeared impatient as everyone looked at her.  Jade pointed to her right.  "The space burritos are here!"

  And they were.  There were five of them in all: a fat one, a short one, a very tall and very skinny one, one with big muscles, and a medium one who appeared to be the ringleader.  They all had black hair, black mustaches, and tan skin, donned in black matador costumes and black masks.

  "Allow us to introduce ourselves," said the leader, with a very heavy Spanish accent.  "This is Pico," he introduced, pointing to the short one.  "Gordo,"  he continued as he pointed to the fat one.  "Strongo."  That was the muscle man.  "Roberto."  That one was the very tall and skinny space bandito, who was so tall he could barely fit into the room.  "And I am Don Carlos, their leader."  Don Carlos pointed to himself.  A guitar chord sounded in the background.  "We are your worst fear, from the Planet of Mexican Stereotypes.  We are… LOS SPACE BANDITOS!"  The background guitar began playing again.  [A/N: It's a movie, remember?]

  "Now stick 'em up and give us all your loot!" said Pico in his unnaturally high voice.

  Fry, Leela, Kif, Jackie, and Jade immediately raised their hands.  Zapp whimpered under the table and covered his eyes.  "If I can't see them, they can't see me!" he mumbled.

  "Bite my shiny metal ass!" retorted Bender, thrusting his butt in their direction.

  Roberto took his gun and shot it at the robot.  The bullet bounced off his butt, ricocheted off the floor and onto the lamp, hit the bulletproof glass window, zoomed into the kitchen, quickly bounced off the various appliances, and back into the room.  At that point it hit a framed photograph of Zapp… right between the eyes.

  Zapp began to cry.  "I… I LOVED THAT PICTURE!  Leela, my love, do something!"

  Leela and Jackie rolled their eyes.

  "We can take them together," said Leela.  "I took martial arts at the orphanarium, and these Mexican stereotypes don't look like they know much about kung fu.  I'll take the muscled one."

  "I'll take the fat guy," added Jackie.

  "Dios mio!" interjected Don Carlos.  "Get them, muchachos!"

  Strongo and Gordo advanced on Leela and Jackie, but the two of them were prepared.  They kicked their targets in the face as Don Carlos snuck past them, into the kitchen, past a dozing Nibbler in the bedroom, and into the engine room.  Strongo made a knuckle sandwich, but the cyclops slammed it down onto the table Zapp was hiding under.  ("It slipped," she said airily while explaining it later.)  Jackie kicked Gordo in the stomach, but since he was so fat Jackie's foot got stuck in the blob.

  "HELLO?  Talisman power!" Jade blurted out.

  "You have TALISMANS, you say?" asked Roberto.  "Where are they?  Where are they?"

  Zapp squealed like a little girl.

  Roberto reached into Jackie's pocket and pulled out the Tiger Talisman.  "Ay chihuahua!  A talisman worth millions!  Don Carlos will be pleased."

  Jade clenched her fists.  "Nobody steals talismans and gets away with it!  Heeya!"  She kicked Roberto in the knees, and she caught the talisman after he dropped it.  He bounced up and down and banged his head against the ceiling.  Roberto was out cold.

  "Duuuh… you can't beat STRONGO!" exclaimed the strongman.  Though he was formidable, he was unintelligent.

  "Yes I can!" retorted Leela.  "I have the will of a warrior!  Hi-YA!"  She climbed onto a chair, flipped backwards, and hit Strongo over the face four times—twice with her feet and twice with each hand.  For a finale, she punched him in the stomach, and he fell onto Roberto.  "Ow…"

  Meanwhile, Jackie had troubles with Gordo, but he led him on a chase through the ship into the bedroom.  Gordo entered the room, sweaty and stuffing his face with rations.  He looked around and saw a chandelier, so he led Gordo on a chase around the room—knocking over a statue or two of Zapp in the process—until the fat bandito grew so exhausted he flopped down onto the floor.  Jackie seized this opportunity to leap from the chandelier onto Gordo, where he managed to temporarily knock him out.  He arrived back into the main room, where Pico lay on the floor with a big lump on his head.

  "He tried to take my banjo," explained Bender.

  Don Carlos left the engine room, carrying a sack stuffed full or something.  He kicked Gordo and said, "Gordo, muchacho, wake up!  Quit being so lazy and start being a competent bandito!"

  Inside the Planet Express ship, the professor looked through a telescope in their direction.  "My goodness, I see them!" he exclaimed.  "It looks like they are surrounded by space banditos!"

  "Well, why don't we do anything about iiiit?" whined Uncle.

  "Uncle, dese are SPACE BANDITOS we're talking about," Hermes pointed out.  "Eet's not like dey're Girl Scouts deemanding you buy dere cookies.  Dat's what keeled da fourth crew, you know…"

  "But delicious, those cookies were," reminisced Zoidberg.  He slurped through his mouth flaps.  "BUY MORE COOKIES, DAMMIT!"

  Professor Farnsworth peered through the telescope again.  "Oh my, it looks like they are in big trouble.  I suppose we could do something to help… although I am already in my pajamas…"

  "Where are da Space Cabarellos when you really need dem?" asked Hermes.

  Meanwhile, on the Planet of Mexican Stereotypes…

  "No, WE are the best space heroes on this el planeto!" argued one of the three Space Cabarellos.

  "No no no, yo soy the best," protested Space Zorro.

  "No, WE are the greatest!"

  "No, Space Cabarellos, it is I, Space Zorro!"

  On the sidelines during this arguing match, the Taco Bell Chihuahua remarked, "This is mucho loco!"

  "I see you have won," said Don Carlos to the crew, seeing his defeated fellow banditos.  "It is time we take our leave!  Until we meet again… HASTA LA VISTA!"  With a swish of his cape, he and the Space Banditos disappeared, the music of maracas waning and drifting off into the distance.

  "…Are they gone?" asked Zapp.

  Kif sighed.  "Yes, captain."

  "THANK GOD!"  He flopped down onto the floor.  His hair stood on end.

  "Now that that's over, can we leave?" asked Jackie.  "What if Myotismon already took over by now?"

  "Who's Myotismon?  Another space bandito?" asked Zapp.

  Kif looked at Jackie.  "I apologize for the jackass's idiotic behavior… his mental capacity is at an all-time low when he gets frightened.  Now let us leave before more space banditos arrive.  I finished fixing everything that the meteor hit.  So it's safe to run."

  "I'll operate," said Leela.  She turned the key in the ignition, and the ship started up.  And then it shut down, going completely dark.  "What the hell happened?" she wondered.

  "I… I don't know," stammered Kif.  "I never did anything wrong in fixing the _Cumulus_ before.  I know the _Cumulus_ from bow to stern and what to do if maintenance is needed.  But…"

  "I think we ran out of fuel or something," said Fry.

  Jade ran in from the engine room.  "Uh, guys?  I was looking around and saw that there's nothing for the engine to run on!  Is there a gas station around here?"

  Leela paced for three seconds before she realized something.  "Fuel?  The ship needs fuel!  I brought Nibbler aboard, so we have a source!"  She ran into the bedroom to retrieve her Nibblonian.

  "The only problem is, how do we get him to take a dump?" asked Bender.

  "Yeah, doesn't he have to eat a million pounds of animals before he does his business?" asked Fry.  "And didn't he last eat last night?"

  "Oh…"  Leela arrived, holding a ravenous and weak Nibbler in her arms.  "The poor little thing is hungry, and he doesn't eat people food!"

  "But he ate the special birthday cake I made him," argued Bender.

  "I said, he doesn't eat people food!"  repeated the cyclops.  "Bender, you make food unfit for all humans to eat.  Make something for Nibbler to eat."

  Bender reached into his stomach compartment and pulled out a chef's hat and an apron that said "Kiss the Cooking Unit."  "I'll get to it, meatbags!  And I'll make a little something for you too."  He strolled into the kitchen, and ten seconds later he shouted, "HEY!"

  "What is it, Bendmeister?" asked Jade.

  "Some jerk ate all the food in here!" complained the robot, sticking his head into the room.  "All there is is these!"  He held out a tray of cánapés with pink and brown spreads on them.  "It looks like people food to me."

  "Ah, those would be my *horse doovers,*" said Zapp.  (Actually, what he meant was "hors d'ouvres.")  "They're just *ca-NAPEs*, nothing fancy like *quitchee* or *pet-it fores* or whatever.  I ate all the ones with cheese on them, so all you have are the ones with *pat-ee* and SPAM on them."

  Fry's stomach growled.  "Man, I'm hungry.  I don't mind if I do."  He reached for a toast wedge with SPAM on it.

  "Fry, I wouldn't eat those if I were you…" warned Leela.

  Fry had finished his first cánapé and stuffed nine more into his mouth.  "Why?" he asked, his mouth full of spiced ham.  "These are actually delicious!"  He swallowed.  "Yummy!"

  "You'll be sorry," admonished Leela.  "You will…"

  "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Fry.  "GET THEM AWAY!  GET THEM AWAY!"

  Everyone turned their heads to see the delivery boy swatting away ten of those notorious advertisements found in email messages that flew around him like a swarm of flies.  They consisted of ads for get-rich-quick schemes, novelty products, weight-loss formulas, and half of them were for Viagra.

  "What's going on?" asked Jade.

  "I tried to warn him…" sighed Leela.  "But Fry ate ten cánapés with SPAM on them… it is SPAM, you know…"

  "Can somebody HELP ME HERE?" asked Fry, swatting at an advertisement that screamed "Lose those extra pounds in a month!"

  "Hey, doesn't this get them away?" wondered Jade.  She pushed a button that said "Unsubscribe" on it, and that ad disappeared.

  Leela looked horrified.  "No.  NO!  JADE CHAN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?  You let the SPAM know Fry exists, so now they're bombarding him with their ads!  DUCK!"  She dived behind the couch, followed by Jackie and Jade.  Bender ran into the kitchen, and Zapp looked around before standing upright and covering his head with a lampshade.  It was just in the nick of time, because the ten ads had multiplied into one hundred, a few of which were forwards, and all of which were shouting messages at a cowering Fry.

  "Lose up to thirty pounds in thirty days, GUARANTEED!"…  "Flat broke?  Click here to make cash fast, with no obligation!"… "Buy four ink cartridges for just $5.95!"… "Buy Dr. Flimflam's patented weight-loss pills and watch that blubber just melt away!"… "Someone on the Net is interested in you!"… "SpoonMe.com: the virtual dating and courting service!"… something in alien code… "Human Horn: on sale at The Beast With Two Bucks for only two bucks a horn!  Horns with zits only half price!"… "Fwd: DON'T DELETE!  AN ORPHAN WITH THREE EARS NEEDS YOU!"…

  "Don't let them know you're there!" shouted Leela.  "If you don't bother them, they won't bother you!"

  Finally, after five minutes, the final SPAM message disappeared into thin air.  The others emerged from their hiding places to see Fry curled up on the floor, shaking and clutching his hair.

  "There's so many…" he muttered.  "There's just too many… they're out to get me!"

  Leela and Jackie helped him up and set him onto the couch.

  "Don't worry," Jackie reassured the delivery boy.  "There isn't any more SPAM out to attack you."

  Fry looked at Jackie and saw Jackie's face as an emoticon.  "AAAAAAAAAAAH!" he cried, then fainted on the floor.

  "Oh Fry…" muttered Leela, shaking her head.

  "They're over here!  No… over here!"  Professor Farnsworth pointed the Smell-O-Scope in different directions, and Hermes piloted the ship in different directions.  Everywhere it swerved, ten-ship pileups occurred.  "Oh my, this road sure is full of accidents, isn't it?" he asked the pilot.  "We must be really, really careful."

  "YOU CALL YOURSELF A NAVIGATORRRRR?" whined Uncle.  "YOU CALL THIS A SHIIIIIIP?  WHERE THE ROOM FOR CHI SPELLS?  Seatbelts never buckle!  This ship too fast to see planets!  And where is FOOOOD?"

  "The human is right!" added Zoidberg.  "Where are the prawns?  Don't you care about Zoidberg?"

  Nobody paid attention.

  "Why doesn't anyone else care for Zoidberg?  Zoidberg is important!"  As the lobster ranted, everyone else left the room.  "Why doesn't—where did everybody go?"  He flapped his mouth flaps in disappointment.  "Oh…"

  In the Planet Express ship kitchen, Hermes decided to discuss important matters with the two elders.  "Oh-kee.  According to da Smell-O-Scope, da coordinates of Zapp's sheep is somewhere around here, posseebly off da road or traveling through da digesteeve tract of a space slug."  He hung his head as if in mourning.  "God save dose poor doomed bahstards.  *tsk tsk tsk*"  Hermes walked away, clicking his tongue.

  "Come on!  Remember our slogan, Hermes!  Our crew is replaceable, your package is not!  Besides, if we ever get find the ship in the slug's entrails, maybe we can get that other crew from when the Omicronians attacked.  If only I remembered that blonde's number…"

  "Professor!"  Zoidberg poked his head into the kitchen.  "I saw their ship!  It was being attacked by space banditos, it was."

  "That's nice," said the professor, shaking his hand.  "Now talk to the hand 'cause the head's not listening!"

  "Hee professa, I just saw da sheep!  Eet's on da side of the road and was just attacked by space banditos!"

  "SPACE BANDITOS!  Oh dear God, I'm so glad you found them!" exclaimed the professor.  "Thank you, Hermes!"

  Once again, the lobster was crestfallen.

  All Fry saw was black.  Then he felt like he was being shaken, and then he heard a voice saying, "Fry… Fry… hey buddy, wake up!"  There was a pause, and then, "Eh, he ain't wakin' up.  I don't think he'll mind if I steal his wallet."

  N_ot my wallet!  That has incriminating photographs in it!_ the redhead thought.  He stirred and swatted at air, attempting to hit whoever was trying to swipe his wallet.

  "Bender, he's awake!" Leela's voice pointed out.  "Give him some air!"

  "NOT MY WALLET!" screamed Fry, sitting up to see Leela, Bender, Jackie, Jade, Zapp, and Kif leaning over him.  Zapp was actually filing his nails, while the rest appeared concerned.  "That has incriminating photographs in it!"

  "You mean the ones where I ran your clothes up the flagpole and you're naked on the sidewalk and jumping up trying to get them?" asked Bender.  "Everyone knows about those.  I entered them as an entry the World's Dumbest People contest, and they won first place!"  He opened his stomach compartment to reveal a duplicate of the photo stuck to the side with a magnet, along with a blue ribbon attached to it.

  There was a crash against the side of the _Cumulus_.  The impact was not as hard as the meteor and did not blast them farther into the depths of uncharted space.

  Zapp whipped his head around.  "What's going on?  More space banditos?  AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIII!!!"  He dived behind the couch.

  "No," said Leela, "there aren't any maracas.  It looks like there's someone next to us!"  She looked out the window, and there was the side of the Planet Express ship.

  "Correction!  It looks like there's someone WITH you!  And it looks like you humans got good company, you do."  Zoidberg entered the main room of the _Cumulus_ and waved.  He was followed by Hermes, then Professor Farnsworth, then Uncle.

  "We're here to get you out of dis awful place," added Hermes.

  "Could you help us fight Myotismon?" asked Jade.  "Please?"

  "No, we're just here to help you," said the professor.  "I'd love to, but I'm wearing my driving thong and not my fighting thong."

  "Me too," Hermes chimed in, "but I have paperwork to catch up on.  Just some weels in case you don't come back…"

  "I'm on the CHI side!" Uncle screamed.  "I WILL NEVER FIGHT!"

  "And I have so many patients to heal and FRIENDS to see!" said Zoidberg.  "Finally, a meal!"

  "Speaking of meals, does anyone have any food for Nibbler?" asked Leela.  "We're out of fuel, and all the _Cumulus_ runs on is dark matter.  The only way to obtain any is to get Nibbler to drop a steamer."

  Fry sighed.  "I'll go take him for a walk.  He always drops steamers on the sidewalk.  I'm $385.92 in debt from failure to scoop all those times."

  "No, we need animals.  He won't poop unless he eats an animal," Leela pointed out.  "A nice, juicy, delicious animal.  Like… say… a Vampire Slug, or a Hermaphlamingo, or a Windy Shrimp, or an Octoparrot, or something as simple as a zebra or a lion or an alligator or a frog or a lobster."

  "Gotta scuttle," said Zoidberg.  He scuttled back to the Planet Express ship, going "wubwubwub wub" like Curly (the stooge) as he did so.

  "I… er… also have to go," added Kif.  He ran to the Lovenasium and hid under the bed with the aphrodesiacs.

  The professor, Uncle, and Hermes also left.

  "Good luck, employees!" Professor Farnsworth called back, waving.

  The Planet Express ship zoomed into the distance.

  "Well that's just our luck!" shouted Leela, stamping her foot.  "They didn't even give us that smorgasbord of food they usually keep in the refrigerator!  Did they think we were going to feed THEM to Nibbler?  Well, maybe Zoidberg, but nobody else."

  At that point, Jade remembered the talismans.  She pulled on Jackie's shirt tail and whispered something into his ear.

  "That just might work, Jade.  Good idea," praised Jackie.  Jade beamed as Jackie handed her the Monkey Talisman.

  "Behold, the Monkey Talisman!" exclaimed Jade.  The others turned to look.  "It has the power to turn ANYTHING into an animal!  Bring me anything you don't need, and I'll turn it into Nibbler's favorite animals."

  "Allow me," said Leela.  "I know everything Nibbler likes."  She took the talisman out of Jade's hand and examined it.

  Zapp left the room.  "I have a bunch of aphrodesiacs that failed to work!  Let me get them!"  He left the room, then returned armed with all the aphrodesiacs and "toys" from under his bed.  "Unfortunately, I am in no need of these and am willing to part with them."

  Leela pointed the talisman at each toy and shouted something different.  "Make it a Sharktopus!  Make it a Hermaphlamingo!  Make it the fattest pig in the universe!  Make it a mountain goat!  Make it a sloth!  (They may be slow, but they sure can be fast movers!)"

  And so it went.  Nibbler's mouth watered, then he gobbled down every animal that the Monkey Talisman brought forth.  Finally, he finished the last morsel of zebra, and he fell onto the floor and let out a small belch.  Leela rubbed his distended belly in affection.

  "Aw… someone liked his feast!" she purred affectionately.  "Come on, digest it quickly!"

  Everyone waited.  Suddenly Nibbler stood up and looked as if he needed to go to the bathroom.  He ran to the engine room, about to drop a pile of steamers.

  "SOMEONE TURN OFF THE ARTIFICIAL GRAVITY!" shouted Leela.  "QUICK!"

  *KABOOM!*  Luckily, Kif hit the gravity switch in the nick of time.  The crew floated to the engine room to see six steamers floating around the room.  Nibbler pointed to his droppings and said something in his high voice.

  "Nibbler!  You did it!"  Leela hugged her pet.  "Thank you!"  She turned to Bender.  "Bender, you put the steamers into the engine.  We have enough to keep the ship going for a month at least!"

  The robot grumbled, but he threw all six of the Nibblonian droppings into the furnace, then closed the door.  The fire flared in a blaze of blue-hot flames, and the _Cumulus _shot off into the distance like an athlete who had just gotten a second wind.

  "Jade, you saved the day!" exclaimed Leela.  "I could never thank you enough!"  She hugged Jade in gratitude, followed by Fry, then Jackie.

  "Oh geez, do I have to?" asked Bender.  Then he saw Jade's puppy-dog eyes, and if he had a heart it would have melted.  "Aw…"  He hugged Jade as well.

  Jade beamed from ear to ear.  "No problem!" she exclaimed.

  "Celebration *cham-pag-in*?" asked Zapp, bringing in a bottle of champagne and four glasses.  He offered one to Fry, Leela, and Jackie.  Jackie turned it down.

  "May I have some, captain?" asked Kif.

  "Nah, more for me," said Zapp, pouring the champagne into the glasses.  Bender took the bottle.  "A toast… to my manly ship!"  Zapp raised his glass.

  "To adventure!" added Jade.

  "To Nibbler!" Leela chimed in.

  "To expensive alcohol!"  Bender raised the entire bottle and began polishing it off.

  "To Amy, wherever she is," murmured Kif.

  "To Leela, and spending quality time with her!" exclaimed Fry.

  "Wait," said Zapp.  "Can I change mine?"

  "To defeating Myotismon," said Jackie, sounding very austere.

  "MYOTISMON???!!!  Aw geez, can't ya just give it a rest?" complained Bender.  "Can't a robot just enjoy his champagne without worrying about that stupid vampire?"

  Apparently not… thanks to Jackie.  The ship headed farther into deep space.  Unbeknownst to the crew, this matter would not be as frivolous as they think…

To be continued…


	7. Royally Ticked Off

A/N: I apologize for the delay!  I'm so sorry!  Pocky (Japanese dessert that's really good) for everybody for being so patient with me!  I'm in Forensics and the spring play and was working on a comic (which might go up on my website if I can put Myo in there somehow :D)  Speaking of Myotismon, HE'S IN HERE!!!!!!  You have waited and waited and now here's a treat for the fans of Myo and Amy and the Dark Hand!  Anyway, I gave this story a rating change to be safe because the humor's a little dirty, I guess.  If it's more deserving of a PG rating, then I might change it back.  Anyway, prepare for a chapter with plenty of Myo AND (IMHO) memorable Zapp quotes!!! :)  Enjoy!!!!

***

Chapter 7

Royally Ticked Off

***

  "How come men never ask for directions?"  Though Leela had intended for her question to be rhetorical, she got a plethora of answers from the males on the crew.

  "Captain Black gives me directions; I don't need to ask," replied Jackie.

  "Meh, don't feel like it," said Fry, shrugging.

  "I'm a robot.  Robots know everything," added Bender.

  "I don't drive," Kif chimed in, not sounding too pleased.

  "That was supposed to be RHETORICAL," Leela grumpily pointed out.  "And I wasn't talking about you guys, I was talking about Captain Bravado over there."  She pointed to the steering wheel, where Zapp had his face buried in an upside-down atlas and was steering with his feet.  An asteroid swerved away to avoid the _Cumulus_.

  "Captain Bravado, huh?" asked Zapp.  He let go of the steering wheel and musingly stared at the ceiling.  "Heh, that's got a nice ring to it.  Kif, is it too late to change my name to Captain Bravado?"  At that point, the ship swerved into the wrong lane.

  The amphibian sighed.  "Do you even know what a bravado is, captain?"

  "Is it that thing women wear on their bosoms?"

  "No, captain, that's 'brassiere.'"

  "Uh… well, then… it's a… time in a young man's life when… he must decide on whether… uh… or not he should… uh…"

  "ZAPP!  SAVE THE SHIP!" squealed Jade, pointing at the windshield at the front of the _Cumulus._  A large, silver, disc-like spaceship was about to collide with them, head-on.

   Forgetting about the change of name, Zapp rushed to the steering wheel and grabbed hold of it, pushing it to the left.  _I'll just use the horn to tell them to get out of my way!_ he thought, pushing one of the red buttons on top of the steering wheel.  But instead of the _Cumulus_ blasting "La Cucaracha" at the other ship, a laser cannon fired beam after beam at the larger mother ship, denting its finish and making big, fiery balls erupt from its surface.  As if out of revenge, it began firing back before hurtling itself into a conveniently-placed, hovering gas station.  The _Cumulus_ received little impact from the targeting, for Leela's expertly grabbing the steering wheel and piloting the ship out of the way saved the spacecraft and all the lives within it.

  "Leela, my love!  How can I ever repay you?"  The blonde starship captain took Leela's hand and raised it to his lips as if to kiss her, but the cyclops slapped him with her other hand.

  "You can start by not kissing my hand," retorted Leela.  She quickly set the spaceship down onto the landing pad of the gas station as if to apologize later.

  "WOO!  Leela, you nailed him!" praised Fry.  "You really got him where you wanted him!"

  "Just like last time!" Bender called out.  "WOOOOOO!"  He regained his dignity and puffed on a cigar.  Then he saw what was outside and spat the cigar onto the carpet.  A black burn mark appeared on the crimson carpet, and Zapp was the only one who was bothered by that.

  "My carpet!" cried Zapp.  "NOOOOOOO!"  He clutched his hair and fell to his knees in agony.  "Why, why, why???"  He buried his face in his hands and began to cry.  "All that work… all that Steiner and Scotchgard… surviving all those ravioli dinners and sundae bars and red wine benders… and then finally succumbing to a cigar stain!"

  The others, however, were more worried about what they saw coming towards them outside the window.  A door on the bottom of the UFO opened, and a silver ramp extended out of it.  Out came two massive, brown, toad-like aliens wearing capes around their necks and furious expressions on their faces.  They were Lrrr and Ndnd—the king and queen of the planet Omicron Persei Eight. [Note: That is how their names are spelled.]

  "NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!" screamed Jackie.  "We're stranded at some gas station in the middle of nowhere—"

  "And two Omicronians are going to go Information Age on our asses!"  Zapp finished off.  He turned to Kif.  "KIF, YOU MORON!  YOU SHOULD HAVE DROVE FOR ME WHEN I WAS MUSING!"

  Leela, Jackie, and Kif sighed, thoroughly exasperated.  Then a pounding on the door of the _Cumulus_ interrupted the tension between everyone.

  "I sure hope it's not those Omicronians," Fry said shakingly, venturing to the control panel to the airlock.  He nonchalantly pushed a button that said "HATCH CONTROL" on it, not expecting the worst.  When he saw Lrrr standing in the airlock, squished against the sides, Fry shrieked and quckly pounded on the button three more times.

  "Oh puh-leaze," muttered Lrrr, pushing the door back and storming into the main room.  He was followed by Ndnd, who was exactly, if not more, furious than he.  Both Omicronian monarchs stood in the center, stared at by Fry, Leela, Bender, Jackie, Jade, and Kif.  (Jade and Kif were grasping each other's hands.)  Both quickly scanned the room, and then Lrrr marched up to Jackie.  "Where is Captain Brannigan?" he bellowed in Jackie's face.  The hair on Jackie's head was blown back by the gust of hot air that blew out of his mouth.  "Tell me where he is NOW, or I will DESTROY YOU!"  As if to emphasize his point, a ray gun was pointed at Jackie's chest.

  Forgetting about the talismans, Jackie pointed in the direction of the couch, where, sure enough, Zapp was trying to squeeze behind it.  The top half of his body was concealed by the back of the couch, but the rest of him could not fit.  His legs kicked the air and the wall, depending on where they were.

  "Oh why did I have to be so fat?  So there would be more of me to admire?" the captain asked no one in particular.

  Lrrr marched over to the couch and pulled Zapp out of the crevace by his legs.  Zapp strategically placed his hands over his tunic so it would not drop down and reveal his… er… you know… and gritted his teeth.  Lrrr dropped him onto the floor, and the blonde captain quickly brushed the dust off of his velour uniform and stood up.

  "How the hell did you know this was MY ship?" he growled at the Omicronian, who towered over him.  Inside, however, Zapp was panicking, thinking the exact same words.

  "Who else would have a vanity plate that reads 'ZAPPER' and bumper stickers that read 'My other ship is a Lovenasium' and 'I am an honor student at the Love-Making Academy'?"

  "Uh… uh… uh… this isn't my ship!  Kif was piloting it!"

  "Well," declared Lrrr, "let's just see about that!"  He turned to Fry, Leela, Bender, Jackie, Jade, and Kif, who had huddled into a clump on the opposite side of the room.  "Before you rudely ran into our RV and dented its high-gear control mechanism, who was piloting the ship?"

  "Well, technically, no one," Fry admitted, twiddling his thumbs, "but if you—"

  "ANSWER ME!" bellowed the Omicronian, a blast of putrid hot air blowing out of his mouth.  "WHO PILOTS THIS SHIP?!"

  "Zapp," Fry answered hastily.

  "Zapp," echoed Jackie.

  "Zapp," Bender nonchalantly added.

  "Zapp," said Jade.

  "Zapp," replied Leela.

  Kif sighed.  "Sorry, captain.  It was Zapp, your Omicronian highness."

  "Traitors," Zapp muttered.  "Backstabbers!  Mean people!  I fly you around the universe in one of the most luxurious mini-spacecrafts ever manufactured, and this is how you repay me?"

  "So THEY were in on this as well?" asked Ndnd.  "Well, it looks like we have a shipload of troublemakers!  By the power invested in me as Omicronian royalty, I place ALL of you under arrest!  Guards?"

  Six Omicronians wearing black capes and sunglasses like the Secret Service and whose robust physique made them look more like heavyweight boxing champions than bodyguards stepped into the _Cumulus._

  "Sieze them!" commanded Ndnd, pointing to the seven heroes.

  "Woohoo!  Now I've been arrested in all the quadrants of space!" Bender exclaimed as the guards handcuffed everyone and took them to their spare spacepod.

***

  On Nightmarion 5, Myotismon had other troubles on his hands.  He sat on his demonic throne—a black-and-silver throne decorated with silver spikes and skulls—in the throne room in the castle he had built.  As he sipped a glass of red wine, he contemplated his next plan for the Bat Talisman.  But there was one problem: it was not present.

  "VALMONT!" he shouted, his call echoing through the room.

  As if on cue, the former leader of the Dark Hand rushed into the room.  He panted for three seconds, Myotismon precipitating a glare on him.  "What do you wish of me, master?" he asked servilely.

  "Bring me the Bat Talisman," demanded the vampire.

  "What?  You… you want ME to bring you the talisman?" asked Valmont, knowing very well the talisman had been accidentally left on Earth.  He chuckled nervously.  "Myotismon, master, you needn't use the talisman when you have your own power—"

  Myotismon stood up, holding a whip of Crimson Lightning.  He had his eyes on Valmont's white ponytail, which had irritated the vampire ever since his minion had entered his life.  "You dare defy me, servant?" he interrogated.

  "No, no, master, I'm not defying you, but I just feel that there's more ways to conquer the universe than to use the Bat Talisman—"

  "The talisman, Valmont.  Where is the Bat Talisman?"

  Sweat beads appeared on the white-haired man's forehead.  He took a handkerchief and wiped it.  "Uh… uh… uh… it's on Earth?"

  "EARTH?" shouted Myotismon.  "WHAT THE HELL IS IT DOING ON EARTH?  CRIMSON LIGHTNING!"  He lashed his whip of lightning out at his servant, and Valmont ducked just in the nick of time.  He was unscathed, but his hair, on the other hand…  His entire ponytail lay on the floor, and he felt his head.

  "My HAIR!  My beautiful HAIR!" he screamed.  "My men will go back to Earth for the talisman, just DON'T GIVE ME A CREWCUT!"  Valmont ran out of the room so quickly, it looked like a white blur.

  Myotismon sighed and sank into his chair.  Just as he had gotten comfortable, the door opened and Mom's sons burst in.  Walt looked angry, Larry's face had a frightened expression, and Igner was crying.

  "Stepdaddy Myo!" Igner cried.  "Walt hit me, and the fat sumo man wants to eat Larry!  I'm scared of this place!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

  "Oh quit being such a baby, Igner!"  Walt slapped his younger brother.  "For God's sakes, you're 37!"

  "Yeah!" Larry agreed, but was also slapped by Walt.

  "Boys, boys," said Myo, his voice dripping with sugar, "your stepdaddy is in the middle of devising a clever plan to take over the universe."

  "Mommy also had plans!" added Larry.  "She wanted Earth.  It was better that way."

  Myotismon waved his hand in the direction of the door.  "Boys, go play with Demidevimon.  I need to do something very, very important."

  "Are you going to make Amy a vampire?" asked Walt.  "If you are, we won't bother you."

  "SHOO!" shouted Myotismon.  Walt, Igner, and Larry chased each other out of the throne room.  The vampire, relieved to finally have solitude, sat back in his throne to absorb the silence.  _Amy… sweet Amy… someday you will be my bride, ruling at my side as the queen of the vampires… and I the king!_  He fantasized himself with Amy and darkly chuckled to himself.  He blushed with pleasure from the thought alone, then rose from his throne, prepared for transforming Amy Wong from a wealthy girl to his vampire bride…

***

  The jails on Omicron Persei Eight were made of a sandstone-like rock, but they were much stronger than they had been on Earth.  Each cell was surrounded by the rock wall on one side and had bars and a potent force field on the remaining side.  Some cells had barred windows; others did not.  Inside the cell was a cot without a pillow and a scratchy gray blanket on one side, and a pit toilet and primitive sink on the other.  Some cells had scratch marks etched on the walls.  The crew members of the _Cumulus_ were all thrown into two cells—Fry, Bender, and Jackie in one cell; Leela, Zapp, Kif, and Jade in the other.

  "Well, Leela, looks like we're confined together," Zapp said seductively.

  "Can't we be confined apart for once?" sighed Leela.

  "SILENCE!" boomed one of the prison guards.  "Your trial begins tomorrow!"

  "What trial?" asked Bender.  "It was a stupid car crash, just let the insurance pay for whatever was broken and get on with your miserable lives!"

  "Bender, this is royalty we're talking about!" Jackie pointed out.  "Oh great, I'm stuck here and we'll never defeat Myotismon in time!"

  The guard looked puzzled.  "Myotismon?  Who the hell is Myotismon?  Is he the one who plots these conspiracies?"

  "You wish, sir," replied Jade, her head nearly poking between the bars.  "Jackie says that Myotismon is a vampire who's out to take over the universe!"

  "Hmmmmmm…" mumbled the guard, rubbing his chin.  He looked at Jackie.  "Go on," he persuaded like a psychiatrist questioning a mental patient.  "Tell me more about this Myotismon."

  "Like Jade told you," Jackie explained in his calmest, most fearless voice, "Myotismon is an evil vampire, the most evil there is.  He's trying to take over the universe and enslave mankind with the help of his magic talismans."

  The guard burst into laughter.  "MAGIC TALISMANS?!  BA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"  His belly shook and he clutched his sides.

  "It's TRUE!" Jackie insisted, but the Omicronian just laughed even harder.  "There are thirteen different talismans, each with an animal on it and its own magical powers.  There's a dog, a pig, an ox, a tiger, a bat—"

  More obnoxious laughter.  The guard had fallen down and was rolling on the floor, occasionally pounding the ground.

  "Jackie, pigs and oxen haven't existed for 650 years," explained Leela.  "And bats are now just considered an urban legend after they became extinct."

  The Omicronian guard stood up, wiped a tear from his eye, and tried to contain himself.  "Man, I haven't heard that kind of insane blather in YEARS!" he exclaimed.  He turned to Jackie and said in his most reassuring voice, almost like a man talking affectionately to his dog, "Don't you wowwy, nobody's going to use his pwecious tawismans to enswave mankind."  He turned to another guard.  "Is the mental ward still occupied?"

  "No, sir," replied the fellow guard.

  "You're free to go," the guard told Jackie.  "After mental rehab!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  Another Omicronian entered Jackie's cell, holding a straitjacket.  Jackie tried to run, but the Omicronians were like large brick walls— formidable and unable to be passed.

  "But it's TRUE!" exclaimed Jackie as he was bound up.  He thrashed around like a fish in a net.

  Zapp raised his hand.  "Uh, I would also like to plead insane!  I have severe schitzophrenia.  Oh yeah, and I suffer from paranoia.  And also from parabola!  And I have that godforsaken 'Baby One More Time' by Britney Spears stuck in my head!  Oh, and, uh, feel free to throw in a couple more for good measure."

  "Nice try," said the guard.  "While Mr. Chan here is free to go, the rest of you will all stand trial at 'The Royalty of Omicron Persei Eight vs. Zapp Brannigan and His Spaceship of Fools!' tomorrow at dawn!"

  "Hey, I like that name!" exclaimed Fry.

  Bender puffed on a cigar.  "Say, guard, I just opened a curiosity file, so I am wondering… what's the penalty?  Sweatshop?  Getting chained by the leg and smashing rocks apart with a pickaxe for no apparent reason?  Having one of us get eaten in front of a live TV audience like you vowed to do to Leela?"

  Leela and Fry both waved their hands at Bender and mouthed "NO!"

  The guard rubbed his chin.  "Well, I was just going to have you do community service, but now that you mention it… I shall tell Lrrr not to fill up on cheese fries tonight, 'cause he's getting a human for dinner tomorrow!"  He looked around for a likely candidate.  "Uh… uh… you."  He pointed directly at Fry.

  "NO!" shouted Fry.  "Please, no!  I have so much to live for!  I haven't mooned the governor from a glass elevator or— or— shoved sixteen crayons up my nose!"

  "Shut up, dinner," reprimanded the guard.  He chuckled to himself and walked away.  Then he stopped and turned around.  "But since you are all equally guilty, I'm going to have our royalty eat all of you!"  He turned the corner and disappeared.

  "BENDER!" screamed Leela.  "If your ass wasn't made of metal, I'd be kicking it right now!"

  "Hey, don't blame me, organ sack," replied the robot.  "Blame Zapp; he was the one who got us into this mess."

  "Whoa, don't be pointing fingers at me, Bender," said the captain.  "It was Leela who asked me for help!"

  "It wasn't me," retorted Leela, "it was the professor."

  "Sure, baby, you can say it all you want, but that won't make it true!"

  "STOP!" screamed Jade from her bunk.  Everyone looked at her.  "I don't want us to spend the last few minutes of our lives blaming each other.  Look, when Valmont got hold of the Dragon Talisman, Jackie and I never played the blame game— we whooped his butt!  Same for when Viper— Jackie's girlfriend— filched the Snake Talisman!  In fact, we helped Jackie get it back, and we're still here to tell you about it!  Come on, can't we all just get along?"

  An awkward silence filled the air.  Everyone else hung their heads in shame.

  "Jade's right," Kif spoke up.  "For once, she's being the voice of reason.  Without Jackie around, we don't seem to have one."

  "We're sorry, Jade," apologized Leela.  "Maybe tomorrow, when we're digesting in the stomachs of Lrrr and Ndnd and all the other Omicronian officials, we'll think of you and how we didn't depart this world in spite."

  "Even if we are boned," added Fry, "at least we're boned together."

  "Who knows?" asked Zapp, putting a hand on Leela's right shoulder.  "Maybe we'll both be in the same stomach!  How… erotic!  And no, Omicronian, that kicking and squirming inside ya ain't me and Leela trying to get out!"

  "No.  Way." asserted Leela.

***

  When the sun rose over Omicron Persei Eight that morning, the six remaining prisoners awoke to feel their wrists handcuffed together and themselves chained together by shackles at their feet.  The six bodyguards who arrested them stood at their sides as they all were kicked awake.

  "So, how is breakfast doing?" joked one of the guards as Fry stood up.

  "Bite my shiny metal ass!" retorted Bender.

  "Hey, we can't eat the robot!" pointed out another guard.  "What should we do with him?"

  "Lrrr told me to have him melted down into a statue of him and Ndnd devouring the humans," replied a third guard.  "Come on, the royal court is growing peckish."

  So the six prisoners were led in a line down the hall of the prison to the palace.  In their line, Fry was first.  He was followed by Leela, Zapp, Kif, and finally Jade.  Jade was on the verge of tears as she passed Jackie's psych ward.

  "Jade…" Jackie breathed.  Suddenly, he looked around the room for a phone.  He remembered that one of the guards had called the Omicronian Mental Health Institute, but the phone was under the white padding that covered the walls.  He had heard the others talking about eating Fry, Leela, Jade, Zapp, and Kif earlier, so he knew he had to take a chance.  He bounced over to the nearest wall and took a hunk of padding between his teeth.  He pulled and pulled for five minutes, feeling a tooth coming loose.  Finally, he jumped back, and the entire section of padding ripped off the wall, exposing a telephone.  Jackie nudged the receiver off with his chin, then dialed a number with his nose.  _Please let it work…_ he thought as the dialtone began to ring.

***

  The courtroom was filled with Omicronians, various reporters, and a blue chicken in a Southern gentleman's suit.  The chicken was the heroes' lawyer.  The setting was exactly like one on Earth, only more futuristic.  The jury consisted entirely of Omicronians, who licked their lips in delight.  Fry, Leela, Kif, and Jade sat in the audience, while Zapp was seated with his chicken lawyer, biting his nails.  An Omicronian lawyer sat on the other side.

  Linda, the blonde reporter in pink clothes, stood in front of one camera; Morbo, the green alien reporter in front of the other.

  "Today, the population of Earth views one of their most famed idols stand trial for the sixth time in four years.  Who is he?  He is DOOP captain, 25-star general, assistant-commander-in-chief of the Earth Army, General Major Wevelo, president of the laser-gun club, former Nutley High School football captain, soon to be the star of his own movie (coming to theaters this Fourth of July, granting he isn't found guilty), and a whole lot more, Zapp Brannigan."   She thrust a microphone in Zapp's face.  "Captain Brannigan, how do you feel about the allegations against you for crashing your ship into the Omicronian royalty's mother ship."

  "Allegations?" asked Zapp.  "What, so now there's alligators involved?"

  Morbo darkly chuckled into his microphone.  "Without their precious DOOP captain, humans will surely surrender to the forces of Morbo's planet.  Morbo will tell his leaders about this auspicious occasion."

  "Please rise for the judge," commanded a voice over the loudspeaker.  Everyone stood up.

  "Who is the judge?" wondered Fry.

  "ME!" exclaimed Lrrr's voice.  He emerged from a set of curtains behind the judge's podium.  He wore a black robe and a white judge's wig.  Every Omicronian applauded.  "Greetings to you, Earth morsels!"  He took his place behind his podium.  "Order in the court!"  He pounded the gavel on the stand, and everyone sat down and shut up.  "Order!  ORDER!  Thank you.  I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei Eight, and I am here to prove that Zapp Brannigan is guilty of… of… being an idiot and driving right into my ship!  I saw him do it with my own two eyes, and I know at least seven others who did!"

  Zapp stood up.  "Your Honorness, I can show you at least five hundred people who DIDN'T see me crash my ship!"

  "Captain Brannigan, you're OUT OF ORDER!" shouted Lrrr.  "SIDDOWN!"

  Zapp sat down.

  "I now call… myself to the stand!" exclaimed Lrrr.  He walked down from the podium and paced around the courtroom.  "Lrrr, where were you on Smarch 43rd at 7:00 PM?  Why, I was on Skyway 100.3, between the planets of Modesto 777 and Eros 69.  And what did you see?  I looked in front of me and saw a long, silver spaceship that was flying towards me.  I tried to swerve out of its way, but it fired its cannons at me."

  "That wasn't what I intended to do!" shouted Zapp, standing up for the second time.  "I merely tried to honk to get you out of the way.  I thought you'd be amused by my novelty horn.  It plays 'La *Koo-KAY-ra-cha*,' you know?"

  "'La Cucaracha?!'" snarled Lrrr.  "You KNOW I hate that song!  Were you trying to HARASS me with that?"

  The jury mumbled.

  "Oh geez…" mumbled Kif.  "We are so, so boned…"

***

  Thirty minutes later, things did not look favorable for the crew.  With Lrrr as the judge, nothing could be done to save them.  Everything in favor of Fry and the others was immediately stricken from the record, and everything seemed to be used against them.  The chicken was no help either— his "surprise witnesses" were only there to tell cock-and-bull stories and buy the crew time.  Currently, the jury had left to deliberate three seconds ago.  They were all coming back in.

  "Has the jury reached its verdict?" questioned Lrrr.  "Hurry up; I'm hungry."

  Ndnd, who had been chosen as a member of the jury, stood up and read a pre-written verdict.  "We, the jury, find the defendant, guilty and fit to eat!"

  Fry, Leela, Bender, Jade, and Kif glared at Zapp.

  Lrrr's stomach rumbled, and he eagerly licked his lips.  "Well then, by the power vested in me by myself, yada yada yada, I now pronounce you guilty and for breakfast!"  He raised the gavel, about to strike it down and make everything official.  But just before the gavel touched the podium…

  "WAIT!" shouted Jackie's voice.  He ran into the room, followed by a tall, bald man with auburn eyebrows.  A confused buzzing filled the auditorium as Jackie and the man made their way up to the judge's podium.

  "What do you want?" Lrrr gruffly inquired.  "My breakfast's getting cold!"

  "To defeat Myotismon!" exclaimed Jackie.  "And my colleague, Captain Black, will prove he exists!"

  "Jackie's right," said Captain Black, who was the bald man.  "Myotismon is a sinister digimon and will use the Bat Talisman to conquer the universe.  It has the power to turn any being into a vampire slave."  He held up a hologram projector and pushed the "on" button.  Images of people being turned into vampires were shown, and a few of Myotismon himself as well.

  "My word… he exists!" exclaimed Lrrr.  "Uh… I think we owe you an apology, Mr. Chan."

  "So… I guess we all go home free," said Zapp causually, rising from his place.  "All's well that ends well, have a good day!  I'm hungry!  Let's go to the UHOP—Universal House of Pancakes!  I'm driving!"  He began to strut into the aisle.

  "Not so fast, Brannigan," said Lrrr.  "You still crashed your ship into mine, so I'm making you all a deal.  If you can slay this vampire before three days and three nights have passed, your crew can go home free.  But if you don't, you'll all be killed!"  He struck the gavel onto the podium, making it official.

  "Man, ever since I broke that mirror with my good looks, it seems that nothing has gone right…" sighed Zapp.

***

To be continued…


	8. Bizarre Bazaar

A/N: I'm back!  I make several references to the episode "Spanish Fry" in this chapter.  Also, I don't know Zapp's actual age, so I'm just estimating that he's 30.  Also, thanks to Crazyfads.com for some background information on… I don't want to spoil it! :)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chapter 8

Bizarre Bazaar

  "So," said Captain Black, crossing his arms and looking the crew over, "I hear you guys are all out to find Myotismon."  They were all outside the courthouse, gathered outside Captain Black's black ship that looked suspiciously like the _Blackbird_ from _X-Men_.

  "How did you know?" asked Fry.  "Do you have ESPN?"

  "You mean ESP?" questioned the secret agent.  He chuckled.  "No, Jackie told me.  Plus, Section 13 has been monitoring the activity on nearly every planet in this sector.  When I saw you guys crashing into the Omicronians' ship, I knew you guys were boned, as they say.  I knew the Omicronians do not have a good rapport with Earthlings, so if I couldn't come in to save you, I knew no one could."

  Suddenly, a loud rumbling sounded from close up.  Everyone turned around and looked at Fry, who held his stomach as if to say "I'm guilty."

  "Sorry," apologized the delivery boy as his stomach rumbled again.  "I'm starving, and I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday!  Just those toast deelies with the SPAM on them."

  "All I had to drink was coffee," added Leela.  "And that was yesterday morning.  Now, if SOMEONE—" she glared at Zapp, "—had gotten food like a SMART person would have—"

  "But I did!" protested the DOOP captain.  "I brought enough for me, and maybe Kif, onto the _Cumulus_, but that lardo space bandito ate everything except the *horse doo-vers!*"

  "Always blaming the fat bandito," muttered Leela.  "That's just like you to do it, Zapp.  And I can't believe the nerve to have to call the fat bandito fat when you've got a bay window large enough to view the entire coastline!"

  "OK guys, enough of this childish bickering," intervened Captain Black, stepping between Zapp and Leela with his arms out.  "Lady with one eye?  Man with the gut?  Everyone else?  You know what, I'm hungry too.  Breakfast at IHOP, on me!"  Every male from the _Futurama_ cast, except Bender, gasped.  Bender started snickering.

  "IHOP?  ARE YOU NUTS?" asked Leela, her eye so wide it could have popped out of her head if she had opened it any wider.  "You just suggested we all go to the Interplanetary Hospital of Proctology!"

  "But—but—" stammered Jackie, "Captain Black was talking about… well… you know, the house of pancakes?"

  "Oh, you mean UHOP!" corrected Leela.  Fry, Zapp, and Kif relaxed.  "The Universal House of Pancakes.  Remember, Mr. Black, this is 3002.  Things have changed since the 21st century.  Like…"

  "Like the career chips!" Fry exclaimed.  "And the probing, and the Soylent Doritos, and the Near-Death Star, where geezers go to die!"

  "And hookerbots at every corner!" added Bender.

  "Oh yeah," Fry continued.  "And heads-in-jars, and the DOOP instead of the U.N., and the fact that movies are interactive, and the religion of Oprah-ism. And there are seven MTV's, none of which play music videos, only footage of Spring Break parties and tours of celebrity houses…"

  "And you can be a judge at the Swimsuit Olympics and make love to all the contestants and judge them by how well they can work it," said Zapp.  Everyone looked at him.  "And handsome starship captains," he brusquely added.

  Captain Black led everyone to his ship, but Fry kept talking.  "And Lightspeed Briefs, and commercials playing in your dreams, and the fact that everything is trademarked except the name 'Zitsel,' and the Bronx being a historical area, and Internet suits, and cars with margarita blenders, and…"

  When the _Blackbird_–like ship pulled into the nearest UHOP parking lot thirty minutes later, Fry kept talking.  "…and 'caca' is now a swear word, and Kid Rock became a priest, and there's a new sport called 'Extreme Jacks,' and marching bands get plastic surgery so every member looks EXACTLY alike, and—"

  "Fry, you can stop talking now," said Leela.  "Seriously."

  A few minutes later, the eight of them sat in an extra-large booth at the UHOP.  One one side, in order, sat Captain Black, Jackie, Jade, and Fry.  Across from them, in this order, were Zapp, Leela, Kif, and Bender.  Since it was still the middle of nowhere, there was nothing but stars, distant planets, and a massive gray building outside.

  "What's that building over there?" wondered Jackie.

  "That you will know in time," replied Captain Black.  "But right now, I'm in the mood for some breakfast."  He picked up the menu, and everyone did the same.

  On the other side of the UHOP, however, that was another story.  Finn, Chow, Ratso, and Demidevimon entered through the door and halted when they reached the host's podium.

  "I hope you're happy, Ratso," snarled Chow.

  "I wanted this place to have a play area," said Ratso, pouting.

  "Yeah, whatever," added Demidevimon.  "But hey, it's better than that crap we ate back at the Helms Fish Cannery, that's for sure.  All we ever ate was canned fish!"

  "We?" asked Finn.

  The hostess, who was a bubbly blonde woman dressed in a vibrant pink work uniform that reflected her mood, brightly strolled up to the podium.  She picked up three menus and smiled at all three Dark Hand members.  "Table for three, sirs?" she asked in her chipper, vivacious voice.  She glanced at Demidevimon, who sneered at her.  "I'm sorry, you can't bring your pet… er… bowling ball in here."

  Three booms sounded outside, and then the doors crashed open.  Tohru appeared on the other side, his face cold and emotionless.  He attempted to venture through the double doors, but he was so gigantic he got stuck.

  "Suck it in, pal," advised Finn.

  "Make that a table for six?" asked the hostess.

  Tohru took a deep breath of air and sucked in his gut just long enough for himself to squeeze through.  His massive sumo wrestler's physique cast a shadow down onto the hostess, who dropped her menus in fear and stepped back.

  "Sorry… sorry…" she apologized, shaking.  "Uh, you can take your thingy in here, just PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

  Finn, Ratso, and Chow nodded at Demidevimon, who shouted, "DEMI DART!"  Demidevimon hurled a syringe filled with an unidentifiable gray liquid into the hostess's arm.  She squealed out in pain, then crumpled to the floor.  She had been knocked out cold.  The Dark Hand members took their seats in another eight-person booth—Finn, Chow, Ratso, and Demidevimon on one side, Tohru squeezing into the other.  The sumo wrestler's blob-like gut rested on top of the table.  Little did they know that two booths away were the heroes.

  Ratso looked at the menu.  "Ooh!  I'll take the face!  It's eggs and bacon arranged as a smiley face!"  He chuckled, then punched a button on the table that placed his order.  (In the year 3002, some restaurants had no waiters, but a button that summoned a robot that brought the patron's order in a flash.)

  "I think I'll go with the shortstack and a newspaper to read," added Chow, punching the button on his side.  "Never know where that box is gonna be found."

  "Man, I'm starved!" exclaimed Finn.  "I think I'll go with this 'Starvin' Man' breakfast.  You know, the one with the HUGE 12-ounce steak, six pieces of bacon, three fried eggs, and a tower of pancakes so tall you can't see in front of you?  One 'Starvin' Man' breakfast!"

  "Make that three," added Tohru. "Plus everything on the menu."

  Two tables away…

  "Make that three!" added Zapp.  "Do you think I could also eat everything on the menu?" he asked no one in particular.

  "I don't really know, captain," replied Kif.  "Last time you ordered everything on the menu, you ate so much your girdle ended up in shards."

  "Rrrright, rrright, better not," said Zapp.

  "And now for the IMPORTANT issues?" asked Jackie.  "Captain Black has something very important to say, if you don't mind."

  Captain Black cleared his throat and clinked his spoon against his glass of water.  "Thank you, Jackie," he acknowledged.  "As you all know, Section 13 has a high level of knowledge about Myotismon, and how he and a strange force are wreaking havoc on Earth.  Though I don't believe in magic, I do believe in digital artifacts that can unlock the doors to the digital world.  You see, the digital world was once a wonderful place, full of life and growth and not a worry in the world.  But suddenly, eight Virus Digieggs hatched and gave way to the eight Digi-Demons.  You already know about Myotismon, the Digi-Demon of Darkness.  But there are eight more.  Devimon, the Digi-Demon of Air.  Etemon, the Digi-Demon of Rock.  Piedmon, the Digi-Demon of Mountain.  MetalSeadramon, the Digi-Demon of Water.  Puppetmon, the Digi-Demon of the Forest.  LadyDevimon, the Digi-Demon of Wind.  Finally, Apocalymon, the Digi-Demon of the Moon.  They have all been banished to the other side of the Wall of Fire by Magna Angemon.  However, one item can set them free, and it is close."

  "What is it?" asked Fry.  "A coat hanger?  My dad once got his car door open with that.  Oh, and whenever my brother Yancey wanted to steal my stuff, he broke into my room and left a coat hanger in place of the things he stole."

  "No," Captain Black replied sternly.  "It is called the Pan-Ku Box, and once the code is in place, the other seven Digi-Demons will escape and rule the universe.  With Myotismon as the supreme leader!  But not now.  Our breakfasts are here."

  "Awww… already?" asked Jade.  "I haven't helped Peter Pancake find his way out of the maze yet!"  She stared at the maze on the placemat in front of her, then found the solution.  She quickly drew in the path with an orange crayon and began polishing off her chocolate-chip pancakes.

  "I hear ya, Jade," added Fry, who was working on the same maze on a different placemat.  He scribbled a line in with a purple crayon, once again finding a dead end.  The only available path was the correct one.  "Damn, I was SO close!"  He crumpled up the menu and threw it behind him.  It hit Chow on the head two booths away.

  "What the—" Chow began, uncrumpling the menu.  "Ratso, is this yours?"

  Demidevimon peered over the side of the booth and saw the backs of Leela's, Bender's, Zapp's, and Kif's heads.  They were concealing the heads of Fry, Jackie, Jade, and Captain Black. "Nope, don't see nothin'.  It coulda been the robot, though."

  "Wait a minute there, Demidevimon…" muttered Finn.  He turned his head so his eyes peeked over the top of the seat.  He, too, saw the four heads concealing Jackie, Jade, and Captain Black.  "I think there's someone behind those guys, but I can't quite make it out…"

  Chow turned his head as well as Ratso struggled to finish the maze.

  "That's right, let's clear our minds of the Pan-KU and think about the pan-CAKES," added Zapp from the other booth.  He leaned over towards Leela, who edged away.  "And I'm thinking about Lee-LA."  He leaned in even closer and held up a bottle.  "Mind if I lick this maple syrup off your stomach?"

  "First of all, that's ketchup, and second of all, NO WAY!" screamed Leela, edging away so far back she leaned backwards.  The absence of her head exposed Jackie's, which was now in full view of the Dark Hand.

  "CHAN!" hissed Finn.  "I KNEW it!  Let's go beat him up—"

  Chow extended one of his hands.  "Hey, not so fast, Finn.  I got an idea."  He whispered it to the other humans at the table.

  "Enough of this!" exclaimed Captain Black, clinking his spoon against his glass again.  "Our sensors have traced the location of the Pan-Ku Box to somewhere in this region.  Section 13 has closed in on it, and we have detected substantial amounts of digital disturbance in the direction of that structure over there."  He pointed out the window, where the gray building floated like the answer staring them in the face.  "The only question now is 'where in the building is it?'"

  Bender looked out the window, and he made a beeping noise.  "Hey meatbags, my recall file tells me that that place looks like where we searched for Fry's nose when it got stolen.  I remember 'cause I stole a hundred Pez dispensers and resold 'em to the owners for twice the price, heh heh heh."

  "Oh yeah!" remembered Fry.  "It's the Intergalactic Bazaar!  It's the PERFECT place to hide a Pan-Ku box!"

  "Yes," replied Jackie, "but how big is this place, exactly?"

  "Oh, man, it's HUGE," answered the delivery boy.  "Four floors, and anyone could wander that place for days and not find anything there!  I mean, we spent twelve hours trying to find my nose when it was poached by those dirty poachers."

  "No, Fry," Leela reminded him.  "We spent twelve hours trying to find the ship in the parking area.  It took us about fifteen minutes to find out who bought your nose.  But nonetheless, the bazaar is huge, so we have got to go in pairs."

  "Leela, you read my mind," declared Captain Black.  He handed two small, gray bags to Jackie and Leela, who examined them curiously.  "I'm giving these to Jackie and Leela because I think these would work best in their hands.  He actually was the one who decided that, but I didn't believe him because I don't believe in magic.  Nonetheless, he insisted."

  "They're the talismans," added Jackie as if the cyclops had not already known.

  Jade pulled on her uncle's shirt sleeve.  "Aw, Jackieeeee, why don't I get a talisman?" she whined.

  "How come I don't get one either?" asked Zapp.  "You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me!"

  "Because," replied Jackie to both of them, narrowing his eyes.

  "You're no fun," griped the two of them, slumping back and folding their arms.

  The Intergalactic Bazaar was, as always, swarming with activity.  Captain Black had dropped them off to where the _Cumulus _was located, then took off and bid the team farewell.  It took a while (think a few hours), but the seven heroes found a decent parking space ("Compact only," the sign said, but Zapp would not let that defeat him.  He drove the _Cumulus_ between the two ships in the adjacent parking spaces, causing sparks and a discordant screech to erupt from the sides.  It was smashed in so tightly between the spaceships that the doors could barely open.) and then entered the site of one of the most arduous tasks they would face.

  Leela examined the map of the bazaar.  "OK, we've got four floors to search for the Pan-Ku box.  It's dark blue, and it's an irregularly-shaped box, and it has these weird markings on the top and bottom.  Got it?  Now, we must split up.  Jackie and I will take the first floor, Fry and Kif will search on the second floor, and the third and fourth floors will be searched by the other three."

  "Hold on here," said Zapp.  "How come I have to search two floors, and not with you?"

  "Because I hate you," replied Leela.

  _You've done it again, Chan…_ the starship captain muttered in his mind.  _You've got that charm that's hooked my Leela and left me with the robot and the pesky child.  Well, I'm not going to let you steal her… not this time…_

  "Leela…" he put his hand around the cyclops's shoulder and leaned closer to her.  "Do you know what stardate it is?"

  "April 30," replied Leela, attempting to slip out of the romantic gesture.  "What's so special about that?"

  "That's right…" replied Zapp, grinning.  "It's my thirtieth birthday…"

  "Well then, here's your present!"  Leela stomped as hard as possible on Zapp's left foot, and he immediately cried out in pain and jumped around.

  Fry and Kif had absolutely no luck searching the second floor, which was completely for collectables.  The four floors were as follows: the first floor was random and useless goods, the second was where collectables were sold, the third was a combination of the two categories, and the fourth was a mixture of questionable items and the black market.

  Fry looked around at the booths, oohing and aahing.  Aliens, robots, humans, hybrid creatures, and even mutants filled the kiosks and the spaces between them, checking things out and purchasing them.  He saw a booth that sold "Pet Rocks to Pokémon: Stupid Fads from the 20th Century" and dashed over to it, Kif following.

  "Wow," he said to Kif, admiring everything.  "Beanie Babies, pet rocks, sea monkeys, Tamagotchis, and swallowable goldfish as far as the eye can see!  And look how cheap these are!"  His eyes opened so wide they nearly popped out of his sockets as he looked at a sign.  "WOW!  You can get an afro or a greaser haircut 50% off!"

  "Fry, come on," wheedled Kif, "don't you want to get to the Pan-Ku Box or not?"

  "Kif, come on," imitated Fry, "would you rather spend time looking at what little memories of the 20th century this world has, or would you rather be sitting around the _Nimbus _in a party hat, and giving your captain his 'present' of shaving his armpits?"

  "Actually," replied Kif, "his birthday is May 28, and I do that all the time.  Except without the party hat."  The amphibian shuddered.  "But I'd rather be looking at Pokémon cards than Zapp naked any day."

  "So then, are you ready to party like it's 1999 and before?" asked Fry.

  "Well…"

  "KI-if…"

  "OK, I guess I will!  We'll ask if there's a Pan-Ku Box around here, then we'll indulge ourselves in nostalgia."  Kif walked up to a young-looking man whose back was to them, who was looking at shells from a Decapod 10 kiosk across from the exceptionally large 20th-century booth.  He smiled, then tapped him on the back.  He whirled around, and he was holding a conch shell covered with several sharp, white spikes.

  "Yes?" the man asked pleasantly, reducing the intimidation the conch shell added to his image.

  Kif's intravertive nature immediately took the words out of his mouth.  "Uh… do… uh… you know where I can find a… uh… Pan-Ku Box?"

  "A what?" asked the man.

  "You know… a Pan-Ku Box… it's a thing that's used to release demons…"

  "I thought that was exorcism."

  "No, no… uh… digital demons?  It's… uh… blue, I think, and has markings on the top and bottom?"

  "Well, first of all, sir, I don't work here, and second…"  The man trailed off as he scrutinized Kif's crimson tunic and his face.  "You look familiar… are you, by any chance, Kif Kroker?"

  "He sure is!" exclaimed Fry.  "Amy Wong, our intern, is his girlfriend!"

  The man's face grew red from rage, and he held the conch shell as if it were a weapon.  "I think she has told me about you… my name is Tom Hearst, descendant of mega tycoon William Randolph Hearst, and Amy… Wong… was… MY GIRLFRIEND!!!  You STOLE her from me, you dirty, slimy, amphibious bastard!  I'm gonna KILL YOU!!!"  He hurled the shell at the two of them, who ducked.  It hit a display rack of Furbies behind Fry and Kif, who immediately made a run for it.  The crowd parted and began to run for it as well as Tom drew out an authentic lightsaber.

  The Furbies on the other hand, made a chorus of voices… "Hey, help me up, you lazy bastards!"  "Man, this f***ing hurts!"  "You, lardo!  Pick me up or I'll kill ya!"

  A child in the crowd began to cry.  "Mommy, make them stop!" he wailed.

  As Tom furiously pursued them, Fry and Kif darted through the crowd and the various booths, pushing over display racks and whatever else they could find to get him out of the way.  Fry, like Jackie would have said, called "I'msorryI'llpayfortheselaterTHANKYOOOOUUUUUU!!!" back to a vendor who was selling KISS merchandise as Fry grabbed a handful of KISS Grenades with pictures of the band members on them.  He pulled the caps off of them and hurled them back at where Tom was thought to be.  Instead, they just caused more damage in the crowd.

  Because Fry and Kif were both severely out of shape, Tom closed in on them quickly.

  "Wait!" exclaimed Kif, panting.  "I… *pant pant* have… idea.  Follow… *gasp* my… lead."

  Kif, followed by Fry, darted into a Porta-Potty and locked the door.  Tom pounded on the door.

  "Occupied!" shouted Fry.  "I said, OCCUPIED!"

  "Grrrrr…" growled Tom.  He slashed the lightsaber through the hinges of the door, which fell right off, and saw a terrified Fry and Kif standing on the rim of the toilet, clutching each other in fear.

  "Please don't kill us!" shouted Fry.  "I have so much to live for!"

  "Speak for yourself," whispered Kif.

  Suddenly, the neon glow of the lightsaber turned into an opaque, plastic gray.  "Oh crap!" shouted Tom.  "Stupid batteries must be dead!"

  "So… that means you won't kill us?" wondered Fry, gritting his teeth.

  "No, but that DOES mean I'm gonna beat you!" shouted the spoiled, rich man.  He took his lightsaber and began pounding Fry and Kif.  Ten minutes later, Fry and Kif, covered in bruises with black eyes and bloody noses, resumed shopping.

  Leela and Jackie searched the first floor, which was the largest and congested with the most patrons.  The aisles between the booths and kiosks were so full, it was hot, stuffy, and difficult to breathe or move.  The air was filled with the smells of food, oil, burning items, and the shouts of vendors.  A fish flew through the air as they passed one booth, and the fumes from a car on a rotisserie made them gag.

  "Uncle is not going to approve of this…" muttered Jackie.  "He says that bazaars and flea markets rip off of wholesome antique stores, and that it's bad chi to go to one."

  "So?" asked Leela.  "Don't let him know about this."

  "Uncle knows this stuff, Leela," said Jackie.  "Oooh, he knows this stuff.  Once he knew that I shopped at an antique mall simply because of the chi I was radiating or something like that."

  "You hungry?" asked Leela.  "This floor sells exceptional food!"

  A few minutes later, the cyclops was munching on a buggalo leg covered in barbecue sauce.  A green-looking Jackie followed.

  "Don't they have any NORMAL food around here?" complained the Chinese-American.

  "What, don't like barbecue?" wondered Leela.  "I thought it was normal."

  Jackie paused in his tracks and gasped.  "Oh… my… word!"  He stared at the small kiosk located in the corner which had a handmade sign that read "UFO's: Unidentifiable Forgotten Objects" propped up against it.  One of Kif's kind gingerly stood inside it.  Among the misshapen and random objects that not even Leela recognized, between the necklace that Rose (the lady from _Titanic)_ dropped into the ocean at the end and a 10-cent copy of the original Gutenburg Bible, sat the dusty Pan-Ku Box.

  Leela dropped her jaw and her buggalo drumstick at the same time.  "Is that…"

  "The Pan-Ku Box!" the two of them exclaimed simultaneously, then dashed over to the booth.  "How much?" they asked again in unison.

  "H— how much is the what?" questioned the Amphibios 9 alien.  "Please don't hurt me!"

  "That box over there," replied Jackie, pointing to the Pan-Ku Box.  The amphibian briskly walked over to the shelves behind him and placed his webbed hands around the objects he assumed Jackie was talking about.  "No… not that one… the navy blue one with the green glass on top."  The amphibian put his hands around the Pan-Ku Box and took it over to where Jackie and Leela were standing.

  "THAT'S IT!" exclaimed Jackie and Leela, both grabbing the box out of the poor Amphibios 9 alien's hands.

  "How much is it?" asked Leela.

  The alien backed into a shelf, obviously intimidated.  "Uh…"

  "Never mind that," interrupted Jackie, taking out two $20 bills and placing them in the alien's hands.  "Keep the change.  Thank you so, SO MUCH!"  He shook the alien's hand and ran off to find the others.  Both drunk on their own joy of finding the Pan-Ku box before the Dark Hand and the others, the two did not realize that the Dark Hand, minus Demidevimon, stood in front of them in the center of the aisle.

  Finn tapped his foot on the ground.  "Hand… over… the box," he dictated.  "Or shall… THEY take it from you?"

  In an instant, the Shadow Con appeared.  Cackling, the Dark Hand ran away.  Leela and Jackie froze in their tracks, not knowing what to do.

  The final group, consisting of Bender, Zapp, and Jade, had no luck in finding anything since Leela and Jackie found the Pan-Ku Box.  All three stood away from the other two because of their lack of a positive rapport.  Every one believed that they were too good for the other two.

  "I can't believe I'm working with THEM," muttered Bender.  "Damn meatbags… I'm gonna kill all humans once I get the chance… starting with those two psychotic infants…"  He ventured into the food court and strolled up to a booth that sold liquor.  "But first I'm gonna refuel."

  "Where are you going, Bender?" asked Jade.  "I thought we had to search!"

  "With my tank on 'empty?'" asked the robot.  "I don't think so, meatbag.  You HUMANS don't understand us robots."

  "I understand the killbots!" exclaimed Zapp.  "How do you think I defeated them?"

  Bender muttered a few random swear words and began polishing off his alcoholic drinks.  Then he belched fire directly at Zapp, whose hair caught on fire.

  "MY HAIR!" screamed the starship captain, leaping up into the air and desperately attempting to extinguish it.  "MY HAIR'S ON FIRE!"  He ran around, attracting stares from the passersby.  He slapped his head a few times, but it only spread to his gloves, then up his sleeves from there.  "DON'T JUST STAND THERE!  I'M ON FIRE!"  Looking around, he saw a pitcher of water and dumped it on himself.  His sleeves were gone and his hair was singed.  The rest of the velour uniform had burn marks on it.  "Luckily, I used the extra-strong hair gel today!" he exclaimed.

  "It slipped," said Bender airily, as if he knew what Zapp was about to say next.

  "That's it, I'm leaving," asserted Jade, leaving the presence of the other two.  She exited the food court and wandered down the aisles, oohing and aahing at the various items for sale and the beings that passed by.  She stared at two aliens demonstrate how to sautee a human and ran away immediately.  She watched in awe at a display of Insta-Tornado-In-A-Can and even volunteered to get sucked up by one.  With her hair mussed up, she admired the Amizonian bone jewelry and makeup.  But what truly caught her eye was the Melvin booth.  Jade dashed up to the booth that was filled to the brim with merchandise that bore the likeness of the cartoon moose.

  "Hello, little girl!" exclaimed the vendor.  "You like Melvin?  Big hit back in the early 21st century."

  Jade nodded enthusiastically and decided to buy a Melvin camera and a set of Melvin pencils.  She put the camera around her neck and the pencils in the pocket of her sweatshirt.  By that time, it was the peak hour for customers and getting cold.  She decided she wanted to go back.

  "LEELA!" she called, craning her neck around.  "LEELA!  FRY!  WHERE ARE YOU?"  All she received were odd glances from the crowd around her.  She crawled through legs, between people, and even onto the counters of a few booths.  She looked around the endless floor, but there was no sign of that purple hair that belonged to her favorite person there.

  After several minutes of wandering deeper into the heart of the fourth floor, where crowds literally packed the alleyways, Jade edged back towards the Beast With Two Bucks tent and sat against the side.  She curled herself up into a ball and began to sob.  "I want to go home!" she wailed.

  "Home, you say?" asked a familiar raspy voice.  "Kid, if you want to go home, all ya gotta do is come with me!"  Demidevimon flew over from behind another booth and perched on her shoulder.

  Jade swatted at the imp.  "Get away, Demidevimon!"

  Demidevimon's face grew sympathetic.  "Hey, don't be swattin' at me, kid!  I quit!"

  The spunky girl paused.  "You… quit?" she asked skeptically.  "I don't believe you," she uttered, turning away.  Demidevimon landed in front of her.

  "I know, I know, why trust me, who was Myotismon's former right-hand henchmon?  And I don't blame ya, sister.  After all those months of harassing you and Chan and the old guy for the talismans…  I feel awful for what I did and am willing to take you home!"

  "Really?" asked Jade, beginning to trust Demidevimon.  Then her face tightened into a suspicious expression.  "What made you quit, anyway?"

  "Hey, Jade, this is MYOTISMON we're talking about," replied the imp.  "He's mean and nasty and has no sense of humor.  Not to mention I've been replaced as his right-hand man by Valmont… workin' with Finn and the others is kinda degrading, don'tcha think?  That's why I quit.  I'm pursuin' the good-guy life.  I heard the rewards are better and don't come with all the guilty side effects.  So what do ya say?  Ya comin' with me to find the others?  I know where they are; I just saw 'em."

  "Sure!" exclaimed Jade in a naïve manner.  She chased Demidevimon down the aisle for a few minutes until she ran into Larry, Walt, and Igner and found herself staring at them.

  "You're not going anywhere," said Walt, brandishing a rope.  He bound Jade's feet and hands together so she was rendered immobile.

  "Yeah!" added Larry, who was slapped in the face by Walt.

  "Now, Igner," dictated the oldest son.

  Igner took an aerosol spray can of chloroform ("Nighty-Night Spray," it said on the can) and accidentally sprayed his own face with it.  His eyes closed and he crumpled to the floor.

  "Idiot," muttered Walt, who picked up the can and sprayed Jade in the face with it.  She coughed as the scent tingled the inside of her nostrils and mouth, then felt herself grow drowsy.  Before she could call for help, Jade's eyes closed and she fell into the deepest sleep of her life.

To be continued…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*


	9. Bad News, Everyone

A/N: I apologize once again for the lateness.  Plus, there was some sort of bug on our computer, so MS Word converted the first version of this ENTIRE CHAPTER into a mass of strange symbols, so guess what?  I had to type it all over again!!  Don't worry, I'm not mad at you readers or anything.  I'm just enraged at my computer, which screwed up the chapter that I've worked so hard on!  But anyway, I understand that we haven't had that much Myo in this story, so I've decided to write this one for the Myo fans!  (Vampirism alert!)

Chapter 9

Bad News, Everyone

  "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU LOST JADE???!!!" Leela screamed at Zapp and Bender.  "HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME, BOTH OF YOU!"  Bender bent over so it looked as if he were hanging his head, and Zapp hung his head, a shameful expression on his face.

  Suddenly, Zapp looked at Leela.  "By the way, Leela, I can do so much more than just hang my head in shame," he hinted suggestively, winking.

  "I've got a task for you," retorted the cyclops.  "Shut up."

  At that point, several hours had passed since the separation of the large group, and everyone had arrived except Fry and Kif.  Jackie had fainted from shock on the floor at the fact that Jade was missing, or worse, dead.  However, he and Leela had it much worse than Jade because of their loss.

  Prior to this, Jackie and Leela had yet another problem on their hands.  As the group of Shadow Con advanced on them to grab the Pan-Ku Box out of their hands, they backed away into a wall, cornered.

  "We are royally boned," Leela muttered to Jackie out of the corner of her mouth.  A shadowed ninja attempted to swipe the box out of Jackie's hands, and she immediately kicked him out of the way.

  Jackie frantically looked around the bazaar, and through the crowd he saw a booth that sold just the thing he was looking for.  He contemplated the scenario, and he decided to risk the box and the freedom of the universe that accompanied the possession of it.  "Don't worry, Leela," assured the archaeologist.  "Take the box and run for it.  I know what to do."

  Leela was dubious.  "But Jackie—"

  "Leela, I know what I'm doing.  I hope."  Jackie threw the box at Leela and grabbed a hold of the awning of the booth next to them, then hoisted himself into the air.  Some of the Shadow Con transported themselves up to where he was.  Jackie kicked and punched, slicing through the air like a knife through butter.  Meanwhile, Leela sprinted away as quickly as possible, but the Shadow Con always teleported to where she had the intent of running.  Her legs ached, sweat poured down her body, and it felt as if a million knives were stabbing her inside her chest.  Finally, her energy gave out, and the cyclops stumbled for a few steps before tripping over the tentacles of one of the patrons.

  "AAAAAAAAAAH!" she screamed as she felt herself hit the floor, every last molecule of air knocked out of her.  The Pan-Ku Box flew out of her hands and soared for several meters until it hit the floor far away with a clang.  The Shadow Con ceased advancing on her and approached the box.

  Jackie knew that they would transport it back to Myotismon as soon as possible, so he grabbed hold of the awning, swung himself downwards, and leapt onto the floor.  He saw what the booth was selling—party boards—and took one out of the display case.  "I'msorryI'llbringthisbackthankyoooouuuu!" he squealed as he flipped the switch that turned the rockets on and stood on it.  Suddenly, the board zoomed out from under his feet, so he slipped off and grabbed onto the end, attempting his best to pilot while not getting burned by the rockets.  He sailed directly over the Shadow Con and crashed into a booth that sold search lights.  As he felt the weight of fifty search lights, plus the party board, compressing him, he heard Leela's cries of "JACKIE!  THEY HAVE THE BOX!"

  Jackie groaned from the intense pain he felt, squinting and grinding his teeth.  Turning his head towards the scene of the accident, he saw that one of the Shadow Con grabbed the box, Leela struggling to stand up and grab it.  She even extended her arm slightly, then fell to the ground from exhaustion.

  "LEELA!" hollered Jackie.  Suddenly, he remembered the talismans that he possessed.  Thinking of the Ox Talisman, he activated its power mentally and felt a surge of adrenaline run through his veins.  He stood up briskly, not even using his arms to do so.  The search lights felt as light as packing peanuts.  Jackie picked up one that wasn't cracked or broken, and pointed it directly at the Shadow Con.  "Eat light, creeps!" he exclaimed, switching the light on.

  A bright beam of light hit the Shadow Con.  Every shady ninja shielded their eyes and dematerialized.  When it was certain that every Shadow Con was gone, Jackie walked over to Leela.  Kneeling down, he searched through the bag of talismans that she attached to her leather pants until he found the Horse Talisman.  "Leela," he instructed, holding the Horse Talisman up to her chest, "say 'a-choo.'"

  "Why?" wondered the cyclops.

  "Trust me on this," assured Jackie, looking into her eye.

  "A-choo?" Leela gingerly repeated.  Suddenly, the image of the horse on said talisman glowed and radiated with healing power, which Leela's body hungrily absorbed.  She felt better and stronger every second as the panacea repaired every injury and gave her another boost of energy.  She smiled at Jackie, who blushed a bright red and rubbed the back of his neck.  "Thank you," she replied, sitting up and embracing a surprised Jackie.  The crowd around her applauded.  "How… how did you do it?" she wondered.

  "It is the magic of the talismans," replied Jackie, unable to alter the smile pasted onto his face.  But after skimming the floor, he noticed something dreadfully wrong and his face fell.  "Where… where is the Pan-Ku Box?"

  Leela looked as if she were about to cry.  "Jackie," she stated like a doctor about to tell a patient of their inevitable death, "the Shadow Con has the box.  I'm sorry."

  "It couldn't be helped," replied Jackie, his voice becoming quiet and timid.  "I hope we can still stop Myotismon within these three days…"

  Leela put her arm around Jackie's shoulder in comfort.  "Come, let's return to the others before they form a search party."

  At the entrance where the seven heroes planned to meet, Zapp and Bender were waiting.  Zapp appeared guilty, while Bender madly smoked a cigar and muttered to himself about psychotic infants.

  "Leela!  You're back!" exclaimed the starship captain, wiping the shameful expression off his face.  "We didn't find the box… but if we had, would you have made love to me?"

  "What do you think?" asked the cyclops, her voice dripping with irritation and sarcasm.

  "Uh… yes?"

  "Hell, no!  Besides, we got the box, and then we lost it."

  "So… you lost the box!  Would you like some sexual consolation from the Zapper himself?"

  "Captain Brannigan, this is serious!" exclaimed Jackie.  "With the box in his hands, Myotismon will unleash the other Digi-Demons and enslave the universe!  …And where is Jade?"

  Zapp's face fell.  "Uh… we didn't find any booths that sold jade, but we did find ivory checkbooks!"

  Bender puffed on his cigar, not concerned about Jade at all.  "Captain Jackass over there lost Jade," he stated, pointing his cigar at Zapp, who shook his head.

  "I didn't lose her!" argued the captain.  "Or maybe all that alcohol's damaged your memory file…"

  All of a sudden, a thump interrupted the imminent argument.  Jackie had fainted from shock.

  "Your fault," Bender incriminated in a quick manner.

  Which brings the story back to where it left off.  Bender grabbed a ridiculously overpriced bottle of water from a nearby vendor's cart and poured the water all over Jackie's face.  The martial-arts master coughed and sputtered, then finally opened his eyes.  Jackie saw Leela's lips move, but all he heard was buzzing in his ears.

  "WHAT, LEELA?" he yelled, cupping his hand over his ear.

  "I said, are you OK?" Leela's voice was faintly heard.

  "Yes, I'm fine… shocked, but fine," replied Jackie as Leela assisted him up.  He looked at Zapp.  "You… lost… Jade?"

  "What's the big deal, Chan, just go over to one of those booths over there and get a new niece," suggested Bender, who obviously didn't care.

  Jackie's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.  "GET A NEW NIECE?!"  Almost everyone capable of hearing within a hundred-foot radius turned their heads to gawk at the commotion.  "ARE YOU CRAZY, BENDER????!!!!"

  "Hey, what's wrong?  Zapp and I got ya a new kid after Jade was lost."

  "Yeah," added Zapp.  He pointed at Bender.  "He's got the kid with him right now.  And the best part was… he was free!  We just saw him standing there on the floor, and he was practically asking for a new kung-fu guy to be his dad."

  Bender opened his stomach compartment, and, sure enough, a wide-eyed, brown-haired child was curled up inside.  "Mr. Robot?" the child asked in his timid voice.  "I'm hungwy and have to go potty, and my mommy is wooking fow me!"

  Jackie was adamant.  "I am NOT replacing Jade.  My niece is irreplaceable, and you can't just buy a new one!"

  Bender looked at the child.  "Well, kid, Chan ain't acceptin' ya.  Back onto the floor ya go, kid."  He bent over, and the boy tumbled out.  Whimpering, the young boy ran away in an arbitrary direction.

  "But what about JADE?" whined Jackie.  "She could be ANYWHERE!"

  "Oh, not anywhere," hinted Bender.  "She ain't with me, that's for sure."

  All of a sudden, Fry and Kif arrived.  Both were laden with shopping bags full of random objects and dressed in outfits from every time period.  Kif was wearing a 18th-century white wig, a bright yellow zoot suit, a letter sweater, tennis shoes, and gigantic novelty sunglasses.  Fry wore his hair styled in an afro, matching sunglasses, a T-shirt that said "KISS MY GRITS!" on it, a pink poodle skirt, blue suede shoes, and a ten-gallon hat made of nacho chips and filled with cheese.

  "Hey, what up, groovy cats?" asked Fry.  "Da Kifster and I wanna just chill in the magic bus—er, magic ship."

  "TAKE.  THOSE.  OFF," commanded Leela, looking more austere than she had ever been.

  "Eh… by the way, have you… uh… seen Jade?" asked Zapp, giving Kif an uneasy glance.

  "Jade?  Nope," replied Fry, grinning.  "But I did see two of Mom's sons and Demidevimon carrying a net full of fish that looked just like Jade and Igner."

  "OH GOD!" screamed Jackie, clutching his hair.  "MYOTISMON HAS JADE!  We need to get her back NOW!  TO THE SHIP!"

  Millions of miles away, on Nightmarion 5, a massive stone castle loomed above the rest of the planet, on top of the tallest mountain.  Lightning flashed from the pure black clouds that circled around the castle like the planets around the sun.  In the tallest tower of the castle, Amy anxiously waited on her bed.  For a day, she had been cooped up in her room, bathed and pampered by the Bakemon until she radiantly glowed with beauty.  The room fit the mood—dark yet romantic.  The only sources of the light were the stained-glass windows on the circular walls and the torches that were mounted between the windows.  An antique wooden bed that resembled a coffin was placed against a part of the wall.  The bed had crimson velvet sheets and pillows, and had two matching curtains of said material surrounding it.  The floor was adorned with a crimson carpet lined with gold as well as a trapdoor to escape from.

  Amy wore her hair in the same style, only it had been cleaned and brushed until it was soft and perfumed until it smelled like roses.  Her skin was clear and adorned with little makeup.  She wore a black silk dress that clung to her every curve, as requested by Myotismon.

  The trapdoor opened with a creak, and gray fog began to trickle through the crack and fill the room.  As the door opened, the room began to fill with fog until one could barely see in front of oneself if he or she were standing in that room.  Myotismon rose through the door, minus his bats, but dressed resplendently in a tight leather bodysuit that was open to his belt, a black cape with blood-red lining, and his trademark bat-winged mask.  Amy felt her heartbeat quicken.

  "Amy, my love," the vampire addressed the intern in his voice, which had become soft and beautiful, "it has been a long time since we have seen each other."  He conjured a red rose out of the air and gave it to Amy.  "Do you remember why I have come to you tonight?"

  "To make me a vampire," replied Amy.  "And… your queen."  She stared into Myotismon's blue eyes and shivered.  "You have beautiful eyes," she added.

  Myotismon was taken aback by the sudden remark.  "And… and you as well," he added.  "And now… let the transformation begin!"

  Amy rose from her seat on the bed and stood in the center of the room.  As she placed her hands in Myotismon's, the lights dimmed, and the only source of light was from the occasional flashes of lightning outside.  The vampire closed in on her, smelling her hair and running his fingers through it.  Amy felt cold breath blow against her neck, and she shivered.

  All of a sudden, twin fangs pierced the flawless skin of Amy's neck, and she screamed as she felt a warm liquid running down it.  Myotismon licked the stream of blood that flowed out of the punctures he created until there was no more.  She lay limp in the vampire's arms, barely able to stand up anymore.

  Before anyone else could do anything, Amy underwent a drastic physical change.  She felt power surge through her body and stood up straight.   Her skin was drained of its color, her eyes turned from dark brown to bright red, and two fangs protruded from her mouth.

  "How do you feel, my dear?" asked Myotismon.

  "Like, WOW!" exclaimed Amy.  "I'm a VAMPIRE!"

  There was a knock at the trapdoor, and it sounded urgent.  Myotismon heaved a sigh, upset that the moment had been spoiled.  "Come in," he directed.

  The trapdoor opened, and Valmont, who appeared to be short of breath, poked his head into the room.  "Myotismon!" he exclaimed, stopping to take a few breaths.  "Myotismon… Mom's… sons…"  He panted twice.  "Sons… caught… Chan's… niece!"

  The vampire's eyes lit up.  "Really…" he mused.  "Chan's niece, so dear to him he'd do ANYTHING to get her back…  Excellent work!"

  "Not only that, Lord Myotismon… they got the Pan-Ku Box!" added Valmont.

  "The Pan-Ku Box, you say?" wondered Myotismon.  "We killed two Birdramons with one stone… now to obtain the third and final piece of our puzzle, the Bat Talisman… one more move and I will be unstoppable!  Show me the girl!"

  "Right away," replied Valmont, descending the extremely steep flight of stairs that led to the trapdoor.  Myotismon took the same path, followed closely by a curious and lovestruck Amy.

  The triad left the tower and hurried down numerous flights of stone steps to the castle.  Finally, on the bottom floor, Valmont took a torch off the wall and pushed a wooden door open with a loud creak.  They had entered the dungeons.

  The entire bottom floor of Nightmare Castle, as the place was dubbed, consisted of the dungeons.  Almost completely composed of stone and metal, the dungeons were the most frightening place of the castle.  Even Myotismon himself felt a bit frightened to enter.  Without the light from an occasional torch on the wall, they were pitch black.  Cobwebs lined the corners and where the ceiling and walls met.  Spiders and bats dominated the upper half.  Amy wrapped her arms around Myotismon's chest and clung to him when she saw the shadow of a bat on the ceiling.  The stone walls were lined by small cells, just large enough for a person to fit in.  All cells, their entrances blocked by thick metal rods, were empty except for one in the corner.  Crouched on a bed of straw, shielding herself from the rain pouring in through the barred windows adjacent to the ceiling and whimpering, was Jade.

  "Jackie?" she asked in her newly-timid voice, looking up at the three silhouettes near her prison.  "Leela?  …Fry?"  Her voice dropped to a whisper.  "Bender?"

  "If you ever want to see any of them again, you will do as I say, little girl," demanded Myotismon, metamorphosizing into a fog and sliding between the bars.  He materialized within the cell.

  "Myotismon!" exclaimed Jade, standing up.  "What did you do with Jackie?"

  The vampire chuckled.  "I did nothing to him!  …Yet."  He held out his hand, and what appeared to be a bubble filled with a white fog materialized in the palm of his hand.  It slid out, hovered above the ground, and grew to the size of a beach ball.  Bright colors flashed inside, and the image displayed a scene of the _Cumulus_, flying towards Nightmarion 5.  Then it turned to the interior of the ship, and it showed Fry, Leela, Jackie, and Zapp inside.  Jackie was sitting on a seat, his chin resting on his hands, looking out the window at the passing planets, spaceships, and stars.  Leela put her hand on his shoulder in condolence.

  "See that?" asked Myotismon, in his kindliest voice.

  Jade, afraid to say anything, nodded her head.

  "Well… JADE… there he is.  Do you not see how depressed and lonely he is without you?  Join me and he can have you back.  Everything will be all right."  The viewing orb dissolved.

  "I will NEVER join your army of vampires!" screamed Jade.  She took aim and spat at Myotismon.  It landed on his left boot.

  The vampire grew enraged.  "HOW DARE YOU SPIT AT ME?!" he bellowed.  "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!"  He formed a glowing crimson whip and lashed it out at Jade.  One crack… she fell and hit the floor on her back.  Twice… he hit her side and knocked her over.  Three times… he lashed so hard a dark red trail seeped through the back of her sweatshirt.  Four… five… six… seven!

  "STOP IT!" screamed Jade, crying because she was so badly hurt.  "Please!"  She held out her hands. "no more…"

  Amy gasped as she saw a small child being whipped.  This vision of Myotismon being a god to her quickly became a reality.

  Meanwhile, Valmont, who usually relished the sight of violence, could not stand to see a child writhing from the torture she had been put through.  Even if it was Jackie Chan's niece, he still disapproved.  "Lord Myotismon, what about the Pan-Ku Box?  And the Bat Talisman?"

  Myotismon ceased his whipping just as he was about to finish Jade off with an eighth.  "Valmont, you are correct."  He phased through the bars once again, and Jade breathed a sigh of relief accompanied by a cry of anguish.  "Get someone to tend to her wounds.  I will take care of the girl later."  He glared at Jade, who only felt the searing pain on her back and sides, and vanished into the shadows.  Valmont briskly followed, and Amy glanced back at Jade.  Seeing Myotismon for who he really was—a heartless monster who could have been the devil himself— bestowed a change of heart upon her.

  "I'll be back for you," she whispered to Jade as she slipped away.

  Meanwhile, in New New York, more trouble was brewing.  As Mom rode back to her remodeled headquarters in her limousine from a "Parents of Vampires" support group meeting (she was a guest speaker), her chauffeur accidentally veered the limousine out of control and into a dumpster.  This occurred just outside of Madison Cube Garden.  There was a splash, and the front window was bathed in gunk.

  "Son of a bitch!" she cursed.  "Can't you do ANYTHING right, James?"

  "Sorry, ma'am," gurgled a pink octopus wearing a chauffeur's cap.

  Mom grumbled, muttering several profanities, as she attempted to leave the car.  Her fat suit and dress made it exceptionally difficult.  James followed.  As she peered at the front of her once-white limousine that was now a sickening shade of green, something caught her eye.  It was the very charm that turned Britney Spears's head into a vampire, or at least the head of one.  There was something about the bat tableau on the talisman that made it irresistible to the tycoon, so she stuffed it into the front pocket of her apron…

  Back at the headquarters, Mom sat at her desk and examined the talisman.  "Heh," she laughed as she lit up a cigarette.  "I'll be damned if this thing belonged to that Myotismon."

  All of a sudden, a drastic change took place…

To be continued…


	10. Welcome to Nightmarion 5

A/N: Hooray!  Chapter 10!  But come on… there has got to be more Futurama fans reading this!  (All I seem to have are Jackie Chan and Digimon fans.  But that's OK… I love all three shows just about the same.)  Five more chapters and my Myo fics are back on!  w00t!  I can't wait!!!  (I doubt you Myo fans can wait, either. )  There's a tiny bit of Jade and Amy, moderate Myo and Valmont, but liberal amounts of our heroes this time (three in particular.)  This is no doubt the longest chapter, so get comfortable! :)

Chapter 10

Welcome to Nightmarion 5

  "Did everything just get darker all of a sudden?" wondered Leela.  "Or is my eye just on the fritz?"

  "Meh, just you," replied Bender, whose Bender-Vision was not affected by changes in light.  He walked into the kitchen to see if there was any beer left.

  "No, it's not just you this time," Fry pointed out.  He had changed out of his retro clothes because Leela made him.  "It's just so… dark!"  He shivered as well.  "And cold!  And scary!"

  At the time, the _Cumulus_ began to draw closer and closer to a region of the universe just past the Stoker Sector (the former home of the vampires).  It was a sector of its galaxy that flooded with so much terror, no one dared venture into it.  Anyone who did met their bloody end, or died from fear.  The six remaining crew members were currently nearing Nightmarion 5.  Several hours had passed, and everyone was exhausted and unaware of the time.

  Jackie, who had been sitting on one of the side couches and staring out the window the entire duration of the ride, sighed.  He saw a light grey patch appear on the window where his breath had hit.  "I feel lower than dirt right now about Jade," he assented to no one in particular.  "I should have enforced the rules regarding her more strictly.  I should never have allowed her to join me on those past talisman-related missions.  I definitely should have checked my rules for loopholes."  His mouth quivered and a tear trickled down his left cheek.

  "Don't forget, you also lost her at the—" Fry began to contribute, but Leela elbowed him hard..  "Geez," he hissed.  "What the hell was that for?"

  Leela quietly pointed to Jackie, who hung his head in shame.  She gingerly walked over to the couch and sat down next to him.  As if for effect, she put an arm around his shoulder.  "It's OK, Jackie," she whispered like a mother comforting a child.  "It couldn't be helped."  (It was at this point when Jade saw the

  "Yes, it could have!" wailed the martial-arts master.  Once possessing an unbreakable spirit, his soul was now that of a young child.  "If I had asked Jade to come with us to that stupid bazaar, none of this would have happened!"

  "No, no, no," the cyclops assured him.  "Not true.  If Jade hadn't come along, she couldn't have gone to the bazaar with us."

  "But wait!"  Heads turned, and the other two who were present prepared to join the argument with their rebuttals as Jackie argued back.  "If you guys had just called Captain Black instead of Zapp Brannigan, we'd have never gone on these damn escapades and just gotten to find Myotismon and broken the curse of the Bat Talisman, and in turn saved humanity by—"

  "And you are saying this is MY fault?" Zapp broke in, letting go of the steering wheel.  "Yes, you COULD have gone with Captain Black, but did Leela have sex with him?  NO!  Difficult as it is for me to point fingers at her, it was Leela's fault."

  "Guys, guys, guys," Fry intervened.  "Come on!  Surely we all know that all this was not initially caused by any of us in the ship.  You know who the one who caused this is?  It was… DR. ZOIDBERG!"

  "Huh?" wondered Jackie.  "What does that incompetent lobster doctor have to do with this?"

  "FRY!" Leela hissed, knowing the consequences of Jackie knowing how he, Jade, and Uncle arrived in the future.  "Shhhhhhh!"

  Fry ignored Leela's warning.  "Well, you see, Zoidberg broke the Whatif Machine, causing all of you to come to life.  And yes, even Myotismon."

  Jackie stared blankly at Fry.  Leela slapped her face and uttered, "D'OH!"

  "…What do you mean, Fry?" Jackie wondered.  "I… I thought I am alive!"

  "Now you are," explained the delivery boy.  "But the truth is, you were just a character on some antique DVD from the year 2002.  Your adventures played on the screen of our TV and our Whatif Machine before both of our worlds were fused together.  I mean, just look at yourself!  You and Jade don't look anything like us!  You look… more animated!"

  Jackie's face fell, and he stared at his hands.  His five fingers moved, then he looked at Leela's and Zapp's hands.  They had four fingers.  Hoping it was a mistake of evolution, Jackie looked at Fry's hands and saw that he had four fingers on each hand as well.  All three of them had overbites.  His mouth was square with the rest of his face.  They all had huge, round eyes.  Even Amy's Oriental eyes were wider than his and Jade's.

  "My God…" breathed Jackie as he stood up and stared at his reflection in the window.  His proportions severely contrasted those of the _Futurama_ characters.  "Fry, you're absolutely right…  so I'm just a fictional character?"

  "Well, now that Fry blew it all… yes," Leela answered.  "Yes, you are."

  "So… what you're saying is… I've been piloting some cartoon character around on my ship this whole time?" asked Zapp.  "You still have to sign the _Cumulus_'s guestbook, Chan!"

  Jackie was not listening to anything.  He heard nothing but a static ringing and felt dizzy, almost nauseous.  Quickly, he sat down on the couch once again with a thump and felt his forehead with his hand.  "This can't be…  no, this can't be!"  He sprung up into the air and pointed at the three others.  "You LIE!  YOU'RE LIARS!  LIARS!"

  Bender and Kif dashed into the room.  Kif appeared concerned, and had changed out of his retro gear.  Bender, on the other hand, obviously was not.  "Meatbag gone crazy?" the robot asked nonchalantly.  "Nothin' but cabin fever.  Just set him on some planet for a couple days and let him run around a bit."

  "But it's true," insisted Fry.  He rummaged around in his jacket pocket until he saw the episode guide to the _Jackie Chan Adventures_ DVD which he had put there before the scenario occurred.  "Behold!" he exclaimed, holding it up for the other five to see.  "You are a fictional character on a run-of-the-mill twenty-first century children's show.  Think we're liars now?"

  Jackie swiped the episode guide out of Fry's hands and paged through it, gawking at the pictures of himself, Jade, and Uncle, his face growing whiter and whiter at the turn of each page.  Finally, as he saw the final picture and "_Jackie Chan Adventures _©2002 Columbia Tristar Productions" on the back page, he grew so delirious from knowing the truth, he fainted.

  "Fry, you DUMBASS!" Leela growled through clenched teeth.  "Do you know what you just did?"

  Fry shrugged and gritted his teeth.  "I told Jackie the truth?" he responded in a timid voice.

  "NO!" she exploded.  "YOU TOOK AWAY HIS SENSE OF SELF-WORTH!  Now that he knows he's only a fictional character in our world, he feels he has no use to us!  He'll be walking around all day, moping like a teenager who just got dumped by their date on prom night!  And Myotismon is going to take over the UNIVERSE, so we'll have a _Digimon_ character as the unquestioned leader of the free universe!"

  "So… he's also one of those fictional characters?" asked Zapp.  He slapped his face.  "God, I completely forgot I used to see him on the _Digimon _TV series!  So I've been CHASING a cartoon character all day?  You think I'm not even worth fighting a REAL vampire with?  Sure, it's with you, but… I FEEL SO USELESS!!"  He buried his face in his hands and began to cry.

  Leela rolled her eye.  "If you're looking for pity—"

  Suddenly, the video phone lit up, flashing a bright red color with the word "WARNING!" on it in yellow letters, alternating with "ALERT!".  "Warning!  Warning!  Incoming message from Nightmarion 5!  Warning!  Warning!  Incoming message from Nightmarion 5!" exclaimed a voice from the phone.

  Fry, Leela, and Bender exclaimed nervous glances and edged towards the walls.  Kif ran out of the room.  Contrary to the others, Zapp did nothing.

  "Zapp!  It's Myotismon!" shouted Fry.  "Get out of sight before he sees you!"

  "Hey, he's just one of those fictional characters," dissented the starship captain.  "What's he going to do?  ENTERTAIN me to death?  Ha ha ha…"

  The video phone emitted a beep, followed by a the following recording: 

Zapp's voice: seductive "This is the Zapper, and duty calls for me to not be at the phone right now.  If you're a sexy babe who wants to make love to me, the answer is yes." serious "If you're not, then ignore that last part.  If you're calling about anything war-related, press 1.  If it's about something DOOP-related, press 2.  For casual chit-chat, press—"

Kif's voice: "Captain, what are you doing?  You have that televised conference in fifteen minutes, and you're still in your underwear."

Zapp's voice:.  "Uh… "

  Then there was a beep.

  Myotismon's face appeared on the screen.  "Good day, ZAPPER."

  "AAAAAH!  How'd you know my nickname?!" screamed Zapp.  "This is getting freaky…"

  "I know you are there on the other side, and with Chan," continued the vampire.  "I see you and Chan through my viewing orb as we speak."  There was a pause.  "ANSWER, DAMN YOU!"

  A moment of silence followed.  Finally, as if in slow motion, Zapp pushed the red button on the video phone that answered it.  Fry and Leela quickly shook their heads in protest.  Bender searched for another cigar in his stomach compartment.  "Hello… MYOTISMON," greeted the starship captain, his eyes halfway closed and his arms folded across his chest.  "You are speaking to the DOOP captain Zapp Brannigan—"

  "WHERE THE HELL IS CHAN???!!!" shouted Valmont, who had appeared on the screen next to Myotismon.  Myo pointed to where Jackie was on the floor on his side of the video phone.

  "Can he take a message?" asked Zapp.

  The expression on Myotismon's face made him look as if he were choking.  "Of all the stupidity…" he muttered, then attempted to wipe the expression off his face.  "When Chan comes to, tell him that Jade is with me on Nightmarion 5, and the only way to get her back is to journey to my castle, LIVING his worst nightmare.  And then, you must get her back BEFORE the hour of the beast tomorrow, when I unleash my brothers and sisters upon the entire galaxy and doom mankind!  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  Valmont held the Pan-Ku Box up to the screen to show that they were not kidding.

  "You have exactly six hours," warned the white-haired man, motioning to a massive grandfather clock in the background.  According to the positions of the hands (which resembled ebony bones), the time was 12:06 in the morning.

  The screen became black once again.  Fry, Leela, and Zapp stood there with their eyes wide and their jaws dropped.  Kif, behind the doorway, grew as white as a sheet.  Bender puffed on a cigar.

  "Meh, what are ya gonna do about it?" he asked.

  "But Bender, I thought YOU wanted to be the one to kill all humans!" Fry reminded the robot.

  Bender froze in place.  His eyes morphed from round into an angry expression.  "That vampire must DIE!"

  Jade felt a splash of cold water on her wounds, and she shuddered.  As Amy tore off strips of material from the bottom of her dress, she wrapped them around Jade's wounds and hoped they would work.

  "How is it, Jade?" she asked.

  Jade grimaced, then managed to reply, "Better."  Her pain tears became tears of despair.  "Amy… I want to go home!" she wailed.  "I don't like this place anymore and I just want to go back to twenty-first-century San Francisco with nothing but my grades to worry about!"

  "It'll be fine, Jade… I hope," Amy reassured her.  "I want to go back to the Planet Express and be an intern again.  I want to harass Leela about her fashion sense!  I want to make other girls jealous when I go out with their ex-boyfriends!  I don't want to be Myotismon's vampire queen anymore."

  "Isn't there an exit or something?" wondered Jade.

  "I think so," replied Amy.  "I know how to get out of this cell without turning into mist!"  She tapped on one of the bricks, and the door slid open.  "Emergency door," she explained, grinning.  "Myo told me everything."

  She lifted Jade into the air and told her to hold on.  Jade gripped the back of her dress as she flew through the dungeon and up the stairway.  Not flying, Amy ran through the main hall and saw the doors to the castle wide open.  Just as she saw their freedom bathed in the glow of lightning and the rain, the doors slammed shut.  Mom, now a vampire, clad in a black spandex suit and a cape that looked exactly like Myo's, stood in front of them.  She bared her fangs in a grin and her eyes glowed red.

  "Going somewhere?" she asked.

  "If there's one person who can help us, it's the professor," said Fry, punching the Planet Express's video phone number into the keypad.  "Yeah, he'll know how to survive a nightmare!"  He, Leela, and Zapp were the only ones who remained in the main room of the _Cumulus_.  Jackie was there and physically awake, but not alive in spirit.  He sat on the couch, moping.  Nightmarion 5 was in full view, and they were quickly closing in.

  The dialtone sounded twice in the background, and finally, the professor picked it up.  He, Uncle, and Hermes were crowded up against the screen.  Zoidberg stood in the background, waving.

  "Professor, we're getting close!" exclaimed Leela.  "Myotismon's dark magic has surrounded the ship."

  "And he has Jade!" added Fry.  "On Nightmarion 5.  You know how it's the planet where whoever's on it lives their worst nightmares?  We need to find a way to get rid of them before—"

  "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" screamed Uncle, clutching his hair.  "I KNEW IT!  I KNEW IT!  WHERE JACKIEEEEEEEE?!  HEEEE  BAAAAAAAAAAD  IIIIINFLUEEEEEEEENCE!  Oooooooooooh, I KNEW Jade no should be left with him!"

  "No better than when she's left with YOU," argued Professor Farnsworth.  "Eh, now, Fry, about what you were saying.  I have invented a special device that turns any dream you have into a good dream."  He held up what looked like a bicycle helmet with swimming goggles attached to it.  "But unfortunately, there's no such thing as a teleport."

  "But can't you just deliver it in the Planet Express ship?" wondered Leela.

  "What the hell do you think this is, some delivery service?!" snapped the professor.

  Uncle's face appeared on the screen once again, close enough so one could see the varous hairs sprouting from his nostrils and ears.  "HE WRONG!  MAGIC MUST DEFEAT MAGIC!!!!"

  "Oh, applesauce!" retorted Professor Farnsworth, pulling Uncle back a few feet by his orange vest.  "Everyone KNOWS that the only magic that exists is the magic they use to get the creamy stuff into the middle of those snack cakes!"

  "Applesauce, you say?  Snack cakes, you say?" asked Zoidberg.  He licked his mouth flaps.  "ZOIDBERG NEEDS FOOD!  FOOD!"  He bounded over to the screen of the video phone and violently shook it.  "BRING FOOOOOOOOOD!"  The lobster made a noise that sounded like a crow in severe pain.

  "YOU HAVE THE TALISMANS!  UUUUUUUUUSE THEM!" Uncle screamed over the staticky noise that the screen emitted as Zoidberg continued to shake it.

  The screen grew fuzzy, and the only thing that was heard was a muddled message from Professor Farnsworth.  "Good lu… …ployees!  …nd Zapp!"

  The screen went blank.

  "Thanks a lot, ZOIDBERG," muttered Fry.

  Suddenly, a jolt burst through the ship and sent the three of them flying through the air and hitting the window on the left.  Sirens sounded off in the background, bright red lights turned on and off, and the words "WARNING!" and "ALERT!" flashed on and off on the television screens.  "Warning.  Danger.  Alert," informed a gentle female voice.  "Code Red.  Impact imminent.  Impact—"

  The power turned off as the _Cumulus_ skyrocketed towards the terrain of Nightmarion 5, shooting through the atmosphere like a missile.  Jackie allowed himself to be thrown against the wall that led to the kitchen, while Fry, Leela, and Zapp gripped onto the couch for their lives.  In the kitchen, Bender was hurled into the open refrigerator, and its door slammed shut.  ("Hmmmmm… cozy!" he remarked from the inside.)  Kif flew through three open doors before hitting the back wall of the Lovenasium, then the only statue of Zapp that still stood.  He escaped just in the nick of time.

  "You may have won the battle, gravity," said Zapp, "but someday I'll win the war!"

  All of a sudden, the impact occurred.  With an immense crash, the _Cumulus_ hit the ground, nose first.  After the impact, it was stuck diagonally, with the back end slightly behind the front.  Fry, Leela, Jackie, and Zapp hit the front window and left cracks the length of boa constrictors in the glass.  Bender was thrown against the walls of the refrigerator and left a Bender-shaped dent on the side closest to the front of the ship.  Kif, already against the wall, did not get thrown anywhere, but instead got several objects flung at him.

  The four who were in the main room groaned in agony as they attempted to stand up, save Jackie.  He lied among the rubble and said nothing.  Kif tumbled through the doors like a child on a slide, bruised and beaten.  He landed on top of what used to be one of the couches.  With a bang, Bender exited the chamber of the refrigerator and fell through the doorway.  He landed on top of Kif with a squelch and broke apart.

  "Leela!" exclaimed Zapp.  He grabbed a hold of Leela's hands and attempted to help her up.  "My turtledove!  Are you all right?"

  Leela looked disgusted.  "Not anymore," she retorted.

  "Bender…" Kif murmured, "…get off!  I… I can't feel my… anything!"

  "I can't!" shouted Bender's head.  "I'm broken apart!  God, this is my worst nightmare!  Oh well, at least there's still beer."

  "There is no beer!" exclaimed Fry.  "Look, there are the shards of your beer bottles now!"  He pointed to a pile of brown glass shards and the brown liquid that seeped between the cracks.

  "OH GOD!  IT IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!"

  Several hectic minutes later, the crew, or at least those who weren't physically broken, left the totaled ship.  The four of them stood outside in their barren environment.  The terrain, though grassy, was colorless.  Towering grey mountains loomed over them in the background like watchful eyes.  Black trees with their spider-like limbs dotted the countryside and gathered together in a haunted forest adjacent to the mountain range.  A grey dirt path led directly through the forest.

  "And I only had three payments left!" exclaimed Zapp, clutching his hair as he looked at the remains of the ship.  "Oh God, the DOOP's gonna have my ass for this one!"

  "Who cares about the ship?" retorted Leela.  "We have to find Jade!  Come on, Jackie; snap out of it!  We have to find Myotismon's castle!"

  "That's nice," replied Jackie in a monotone voice.  "I wish I were important enough to help you—"

  He was interrupted by Leela slapping him in the face.  "You ARE important, Jackie.  Come on!  We can't do it without you!"

  Myotismon sat in his throne room.  He looked at the four remaining crew members in the viewing orb and chuckled to himself.  "Demidevimon!" he called.  "DEMIDEVIMON!"

  The imp flew into the room, panting.  "You called, sir?" he asked, pausing to take a breath.  "You want me?"

  "Demidevimon, I want you to help me make sure they do not find me in time," instructed Myotismon.  "You watch them in the viewing orb and tell me when they're closing in.  When they do…"  He held up the Pan-Ku Box as if to emphasize his point.  "…I'll be ready for them."  He chuckled once again.

  "OK," said Leela, formulating a plan.  "Uh… uh… uh…" she looked back and forth, looking at Fry, Jackie, and Zapp as she did so.  Fry, then Jackie, then Fry, then Zapp, then Fry, then Zapp, then Fry, then once again at Zapp.  "Fry!"

  "Wha?"

  "Fry, you stay back here with Bender and Kif."

  "Why me?"

  "Because I need someone who I can trust to stay behind with the _Cumulus_ because I know they'd just make things worse.  It was a toss-up between you and Zapp, so I just did eeny-meeny-miney-moe and you came out the loser."

  Fry sulked and kicked the dirt.  "Oh, all RIGHT."  He looked at Leela, his lower lip sticking out.  "But next time, Bender and I get to go on the adventure and YOU get to stay behind and watch Bender and Kif."

  Leela rolled her eye for the second time.  "Fry, how can Bender—"

  "No time for that, my one-eyed queen!" exclaimed Zapp, leading Leela down the path.  "Now's the time to slay some vampires!"  Jackie followed, trodding slowly down the path.  The three of them disappeared into the dark forest.

  Demidevimon flew in front of Myotismon's face and pointed to the orb.  "There's just three of them now, O Malevolent One," he informed his master.

  The vampire bared his fangs and looked at Leela, Jackie, and Zapp in the woods.  They were walking closer together as they ventured deeper and deeper into the darkest part of the forest.  "So their foursome has been reduced to a threesome…" he murmured, opening a vial of tar-like, black liquid.  A filmy, black fog seeped out of the top and through an open window.  "Pleasant dreams, Mr. Chan…"

  As the threesome reached the heart of the forest, they were bathed in darkness.  A cold wind howled through the area, causing the branches of the trees to clack together like skeleton bones.  It was so dark, they could not see a thing.  As lightning flashed and thunder boomed, menacing faces appeared on the trunks of the trees.  Finally, the same fog that escaped the vial crept through the deepest, darkest part of the forest and surrounded them.

  "I'm scared, Leela!" exclaimed Zapp.  "Hold me!"  He wrapped his arms around Leela so she couldn't breathe.  Though she did not admit it out of scorn, Leela was afraid as well.  Jackie still did nothing, as he remained an emotionless human shell.

  All of a sudden, there was a bang.  The three of them, though not leaving the forest, had been separated from each other in an illusion created by Myotismon.  Not one of them knew it, but they were about to live their worst nightmare.

  Leela found herself in the darkest environment she had ever been in before, and she could not even see her hand in front of her face.  "Where am I?" she asked.  "Can someone tell me where I am?"

  Suddenly, the environment brightened up to become New New York City once again.  Leela found herself sitting at her desk at the cryogenic laboratory where she used to be a counselor for those who were recently thawed out.  "How come I'm not at the Planet Express?" she wondered.  "It's like I've gone back to my old job."

  The door opened, and Ipgee, Leela's Indian boss, entered the room.  "Good morning, Leela," he addressed her in his strongly-accented voice.  "I trust you are ready to work for twenty-four hours."

  "WHAT?!" she shouted.  "Wha—what happened to my job at the Planet Express?"

  "You had no job at this Planet Express.  You have been working for Applied Cryogenics since you were twenty-one.  And another thing," added Ipgee, "I am cutting your check of pay in half.  You will only earn half the money."

  At the time, Leela rummaged through the drawer of her desk and found the phone book.  She plunked it on the desk and frantically paged through the yellow-page listings until she found "delivery services."  She searched and searched but saw that the Planet Express was not listed as a delivery company.

  "Miss Leela, your paging through the telephone book is only reducing your pay even further."

  "NO!  IT CAN'T BE!" screamed Leela.  "Everything I love is gone!  Except my parents…  Uh… are there still sewer mutants?"

  "There are no sewer mutants, Leela.  Every living thing in the sewer was destroyed years ago, except for an alligator or two."

  "So… my parents don't exist, either?"  Leela looked out the window and cried.  "Oh God, I have GOT to be dreaming this!"  She pinched herself and saw that nothing had been altered.  "It's my worst nightmare come true!"

  The sky turned a blood-red and filled with bats and battleship-like, black clouds.  A TV set descended from the ceiling and turned on.  Myotismon's face appeared on it.  "Good evening, New New York… or should I say, BAD evening?  I am your unquestioned leader, Myotismon!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

  "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Leela, banging her head down on her desk.  "THIS IS HORRIBLE!  HORRIBLE!  Everything I knew about Fry and Bender and the crew and even Jackie Chan… all has been forgotten!"  As she looked at her pants, she noticed something bulge inside her right and left pockets.  She stuck her hand inside the right pocket, hoping that it was what she thought it was, and she pulled out one of the talismans.  "A talisman?" she wondered.  "So maybe… I AM dreaming this after all!  The talismans are real!  I was working for the Planet Express for two years, and then all this happened!"

  Everything turned a brilliant white, and Leela found herself directly outside the entrance to Nightmare Castle.  The cyclops looked around herself, and saw the forest far below her.  "How did I get up here?" she wondered.  "And how did this happen?"

  At the same time, as Leela dematerialized, Zapp felt himself embrace nothing except air.  He fell over and hit the ground with a thud.  "What the hell?" he asked.  "Leela?  Leela?"

  All of a sudden, the surroundings changed from total darkness to the bridge of the _Nimbus_.  Kif approached him and declared, "Captain, the DOOP has decided to fire you for what you did to the _Cumulus_.  And me.  This time, it's for good."

  "B-b-but… I… I just…" Zapp stammered, wondering what he was doing in the _Nimbus_ when he was just on Nightmarion 5, about to confront Myotismon.  "Can't the cost just be taken out of my paycheck?"

  "What paycheck?" asked Kif.  "You're broke!"

  "NO!" shouted Zapp.  He found himself in a courtroom, the Amphibios 9 judge presiding.  He was in shackles and crouched down on his knees, pleading for forgiveness.  "Please… please… don't fire me from the DOOP!  My career aptitude test said being a starship captain was the only thing I was good for!  What about my career chip?  Ever think of that?"

  The judge looked at him sternly.  "I am left no choice.  Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and sentenced to a lifetime of—"

  "WAIT!" shouted a voice.  Heads turned to see President Nixon's Head in the front row.  "Judge, I know punishment, and this isn't punishment enough.  I could have been impeached after Watergate, but you saw how I returned to presidency!  Captain Brannigan could just as easily rise to the ranks of captain of ANOTHER starship.  I know of an even worse punishment to throw at him."  A Secret Service bodyguard carried him up to the judge's podium, and the president's head whispered something to the amphibian judge, who cracked a smile.

  "It just might work," said the judge.  "Thank you, President Nixon!"

  Zapp cowered on the floor, bracing himself for the worst punishment he could imagine.

  "Zapp Brannigan, you are not stripped of your rank, nor are you fired from the DOOP army," declared the judge.  "Instead, your punishment will be as follows: I am issuing a restraining order.  By order of the DOOP, you are no longer permitted to enter within 500 miles of ANY female, femputer, fembot, or artwork involving females."

  "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zapp shouted, clutching his hair.  "CAN'T THERE BE ANOTHER WAY???!!!"

  "There IS no other way!" exclaimed the judge.  She pounded the gavel on the podium, making the sentence official.  All women immediately ran out of the courtroom, and all paintings of women immediately had fire set to them.  The judge ran out of the courtroom, leaving Zapp alone with nothing but a crowd of males.

  Suddenly, he began to pace around the courtroom, where he was suddenly left alone.  "I'm dreaming this… no restraining order can keep any babe away from the Zapper!"  His face narrowed into a jealous expression.  "And neither can Jackie Chan… ooh, that Chan is the only person who is keeping Leela away from me… GET ME OUT OF THIS DREAM AND INTO REALITY!"

  Zapp's surroundings turned a brilliant white, and he found himself with Leela, near Nightmare Castle.  "How the hell did I get here?" he asked, and then he saw Leela.  "LEELA!  My velour angel!  The love of my life!"  He hugged the cyclops once again.

  "I have a feeling that this nightmare hasn't ended yet," murmured Leela.  _What about Jackie?_ she thought.

  Meanwhile, Jackie took no notice of Leela and Zapp disappearing before his eyes.  He sat down on a rock and saw a puddle of cold, black water underneath his feet.  It grew until it engulfed the ground of the entire forest.  The trees dematerialized, along with the mountains.  There was nothing but the grey stratus clouds in the sky and the ocean of black water.

  "I'm so useless…" murmured Jackie, looking at the water.  He saw no reflection.  "I am nobody…"

  Jackie paused to shiver as he stared at the Dark Ocean, where he had been sent.

  "You ARE nobody…" added a deep voice behind him.  Jackie turned around to see Myotismon standing behind him.  The sky turned a blood red.  "Jackie Chan is no longer the person he thought he was.  He's merely a character in a children's animated series.  And look at his niece."  Jade suddenly floated horizontally  in the air next to the vampire.  The color had been drained from her face, and her eyes were frozen shut.

  Jackie stood up with a splash and ran over to where Jade floated.  He touched the side of her sheet-white face, which was now cold and clammy to the touch.  "Jade…" Jackie murmured, tears forming in his eyes.  "BRING HER BACK!" he shouted to Myotismon.

  The vampire laughed.  "I'm afraid I can't do that, CHAN," he spat out.  "She's dead.  Everyone you know and love is dead.  I am now the leader of the universe!"  He grew even larger, and the surroundings turned into a fiery hell.  "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

  Jackie gasped and fell over, seeing Myotismon towering over him, now demonic and even darker.  The flames grew to the size of skyscrapers, and Myotismon bent over and opened his now-immense mouth, breathing in.  Jackie felt delirious, as if his soul were being sucked out of him.  _No… no… not now…_  His surroundings whirled around him as Myotismon absorbed his soul, and he saw his life and companions flashing before his eyes… his parents… coming to the United States… going to school in San Francisco…  becoming an archaeologist… learning about the talismans… suddenly traveling to the future…

  W_ait… my childhood!  I'm NOT a fictional character!  I AM alive!_

  Suddenly he heard Zapp's voice echoing from his subconscious mind.  "_God, I completely forgot I used to see him on the _Digimon_ TV series!  So I've been CHASING a cartoon character all day?  You think I'm not even worth fighting a REAL vampire with?_"

  "Myotismon… is… fictional!" Jackie realized, then stood up.  "I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU, MYOTISMON!  YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL!"

  Suddenly, he heard the vampire screaming in agony as a bright white light flashed in front of him.  Jackie felt himself flying through the air, and then felt his feet firmly planted on the ground.  The archaeologist saw himself on the mountain, along with Leela and Zapp.

  "Jackie!" exclaimed Leela, but Jackie just smiled at her.

  Jackie walked over to where Zapp stood.  "Uh… Captain Brannigan?  I might be a fictional character to you guys, but what you said earlier about Myotismon reminded me that HE's the actual fictional character.  Thanks."

  "What?"  Zapp looked confused.

  "Never mind," muttered Jackie.

  The three of them ventured closer to Nightmare Castle, unaware that the greatest danger lied within its walls.

To be continued…


	11. Within the Castle Walls

A/N: It's either this or chapter 12 that is my last chapter before my vacation to the Grand Canyon. Thanks to Myotismon13 for reviewing as well! I really appreciate your feedback. There's a lot of Myo in here! Enjoy!

Chapter 11

Within the Castle Walls

Valmont breathlessly ran up to Myotismon as he paced the halls. "Lord Myotismon…" The white-haired man paused to catch his breath, much to the irritated expression on the vampire's face. "Myotismon… the Bakemon guards… have informed me that Chan has …" His voice shrunk to a near-whisper. "…survived the nightmare set upon him in the Black Forest. Cheerio." About to brusquely turn and leave, Valmont was stopped dead in his tracks by Myotismon's fit or rage.

"WHAT???!!!" the vampire seemed more animal than humanoid. "Did he work alone, or was he with those damned accomplices?" At the time, he had no knowledge of Leela and Zapp accompanying him, as he was convinced that they were unable to survive their own personal hells, much less Jackie Chan.

Valmont bowed his head and looked at his brown loafers, which had suddenly become enthralling. "I… regret to… inform you… Master, oh Lord and Master… yes. Two of them."

"I KNEW IT! TELL ME THEIR NAMES!" roared Myotismon.

Valmont backed away towards the door, quivering with consternation and struggling to find words. "W—we don't… uh… know the n— name of th—the female… only sh—she has… that is… one… eye…"

Myotismon turned his back on his servant. "And the other one?"

"Apparent—apparently he's… well… some sort of… st—starship… uh… captain… yes, we should worry about him… the legendary Zapp Brannigan."

"Mom…" muttered Amy. "What are you doing here, and as a vampire?"

"I'm giving a speech on the importance of fire extinguishers," Mom answered sarcastically, her voice dripping with honey. She was now hovering in the air. Then her voice switched back to a nasty tone. "WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?! I'M RETURNING THE FREAKING BAT TALISMAN TO LORD MYOTISMON!" As if to emphasize her point, Mom held out the Bat Talisman.

"I thought you HATED Myotismon!" Jade pointed out, on the verge of screaming. "Why are you returning the talisman to him?"

Mom made a face so sickeningly sweet, it would have caused anyone to empty his stomach of its contents. She landed on the ground like a cat, then advanced on Jade. "Little girl," the elderly woman addressed Jade as if she were six years younger, "dear old Mom used to dislike her vampire lord. Then she found this object—" Mom pointed to the Bat Talisman, which she held up when Jade attempted to snatch it from her, "—and now she likes him and wants him to have it back."

Jade made an equally sweet face. Never in her life was she spoken to like a four-year old, except when she was four. It was time to show the corporate giant who deserved the talisman. "Well, Mommy dearest…" Jade was delighted to see the expression Mom's face, which looked as if she had just swallowed a lemon, "…I have something to say to you, too. The little girl hates the vampire with all her heart and deserves the talisman… more… than…" Jade advanced on Mom with each word. "YOU!" The black-haired girl stomped on Mom's left foot. Mom let out a yelp and threw the Bat Talisman behind her. As it hit the floor with a clang, Jade and Amy both sprinted up to it.

"Nice work, Jade," Amy acknowledged, bending over to pick up the talisman.

"HA!" shouted Mom, landing in front of them and blocking the talisman from their hands. "Finders keepers, losers weepers!" She picked up the talisman and jumped into the air above them. She flew over to the staircase that occupied part of the vast entrance hall. "Come and get me, bitches!"

"Didn't your mom ever tell you that swearing is a bad thing?" shouted Jade, sprinting to the stairs like a rabbit. As she neared where Mom stood in the middle of the stairs, Mom zoomed into the air once again and landed on the chandelier that hung in the middle of the ceiling. She relished the sight of Jade and Amy looking indignantly at where the dominatrix stood.

Amy groaned and scornfully bit her lip. She felt two punctures and tasted something metallic two seconds later. That was when she remembered she had fangs! She was a vampire! "Jade," she instructed, "stay right here. Don't do anything."

Jade groaned, but nonetheless she knew Amy was right. Jade was not a vampire; therefore she did not possess the power of flight. Amy leapt gracefully into the air and hovered next to the chandelier.

"Oh Mo-om," the vampire-turned intern called in a singsong voice. Mom turned her head and saw the vampire Amy hovering in midair, her dress and cape fluttering in the breeze she created. "I think you're forgetting that I, too, am a vampire. And I, unlike you, think Myotismon is nothing but a two-timing, selfish, mean old jerk! But since I was bitten by him, I think I have his powers. CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" A whip of lightning formed in Amy's hand, and instead of hitting Mom, it fused through the chain that supported the chandelier like a laser beam. Mom realized this just in time, for she leapt off the chandelier as it plummeted to the ground, shattering with an ear-splitting crash.

The two vampires faced each other in midair, their fists clenched. Amy attempted her attack again, this time she would be more coordinated. "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" Once again, Amy formed a whip out of lightning. She slashed it through the air, a CRACK resounding in the hall every time it changed direction. Mom's stealthy reflexes caused her to fly out of the way every time. This continued for five minutes that seemed like five months to Amy. On the ground, Jade watched open-mouthed, not blinking.

Growing breathless after chasing Mom around the hall for five minutes straight, Amy floated in midair and began to sink. Mom seized this opportunity and held out the talisman she kept in her clenched fist. As if she had known what to do all her life, Mom commanded, "Absorb this woman's essence like Our Lord sucks blood! I command you, under the power of Myotismon, Lord of the Vampires!"

Amy's gentle floating changed to her freezing in that position, as immobile as a statue. All color was drained from her face, her mouth dropped open in shock, and her eyes suddenly opened to their widest diameter. She did not rise or sink; it was as if the intern were suspended in ice. The bat symbol on the talisman did not glow a bright red as it usually did. This time, it emitted a radiant blue color that felt freezing on the skin of whoever it hit. Amy's body glowed the same color, and suddenly something semi-transparent and white seemed to escape through her gaping mouth. As it escaped, one could see that it looked almost like Amy. Jade realized that this was Amy's chi, her essence. A ghostly version of her head, her shoulders, her arms and waist, her hips, her legs, and finally her feet emerged from inside its body like the birth of a baby, compressing itself so it could fit through Amy's mouth. It was almost as if the chi did not want to leave, it seemed to extend its arms and attempt to swim through the air, but the talisman pulled it closer and closer like a vacuum. Suddenly, the chi assumed no human form, but instead transformed into a white mist, which was sucked into the talisman through the bat symbol.

Mom cackled like a witch as she allowed Amy to fall twenty feet to the ground. She landed on her back, and Jade rushed over to her immobile body. "AMY!" Jade cried, examining Amy's lifeless body. Without her chi, she was merely a human shell. The sight was horrific—Amy had no color on her face except for her cold lips. Her eyes and mouth had closed and did not open. No longer rigid, her body was as limp as a noodle, as if she were truly dead. She would have been taken for dead, except for the fact that she still had a pulse, which slowly throbbed in her wrist. Her fangs had disappeared, showing that she was no longer a vampire.

The mother landed on the ground and began to advance on Jade. "You're next!" she declared, her eyes glowing bright red and fangs more prominent than ever. She held out the talisman. "Come, join your dear Mom in a new life in the forces of darkness! And this time, you don't have Jackie Chan around to protect you!"

Thinking quickly, Jade bounded over to where Mom stood and pounced on her, knocking her to the ground. She sat on Mom's chest and tried to pin her arms to the ground. Mom struggled, her hand still gripping the Bat Talisman. Jade almost backed away as she saw the ravenous look on the villainess's face, almost as if she were pinning the devil to the ground. Mom hissed like a cat, her fangs extending to their maximum length. Jade began to quiver with fear, wishing she knew how to defeat a vampire.

Suddenly, she remembered. _A wooden stake through the heart!_ Wishing she knew where to find one, she remembered she had Melvin pencils in her sweatshirt pocket. _They're kind of like wooden stakes, and if they don't kill her, the lead will!_ Remembering she also had a camera to pound the stake in with, Jade took a major risk and jumped onto Mom's chest as she retrieved a sharpened pencil from her pocket and withdrew her camera from around her neck.

Mom winced as she felt the wind get knocked out of her, but what she saw next drove fear into her heart. "No… little girl… don't kill a vampire… Mommy will give you anything you want! She'll do anything!"

"Nice try," said Jade. Silently vowing not to regret what she was about to do, she took a Melvin pencil, held it to where she thought Mom's heart rested, and banged her camera down on it like a hammer to a nail. Once… twice… thrice… Mom screamed louder and in more pain as the pencil was driven deeper and deeper through her heart. Thinking quickly, she heaved the talisman to the other side of the room. Suddenly, Mom fell silent, and one second later, Jade found herself sitting on a human-shaped pile of ashes, a cape, and her Melvin pencil and Melvin camera.

I _killed a vampire!_ she triumphantly thought as she stood up. _Oh, if only Jackie were here to see this! _Thoughts whirled around her about the recent battle, Amy, vampires, Myotismon, Jackie and the others… but one overshadowed the rest. _The Bat Talisman!_ Jade realized as she looked around for it. She saw it lying on the floor near the silhouette of what looked like a statue, and dashed over to it. "Victory over Myotismon, here I come!"

"I'll take this," declared a deep voice from the shadows. Jade gasped and fell over as she saw Myotismon grab hold of the talisman before she could do anything else. She brandished the pencil and the camera without saying a word. "You are forgetting, little girl, that I am nothing like my incompetent servant you just destroyed. GRISLY WING!" The vampire outstretched his arms, and suddenly an army of bats flew out from under his cape. Jade screamed and tried to run away, but the bats were too quick for her. They nipped at her flesh, pulled her hair, and attempted to break the pencil she held as the girl swatted at them.

"Get them away!" wailed Jade as she felt the bats tug at her clothes in an attempt to bite her in places that were covered by them. She feebly swatted at them, which only provoked the bats to do more biting and nipping at her. "Get them away!"

Myotismon held out his hand, summoning the bats back to his area of the room. "I think she's had enough, my minions," he told the bats as if they could understand English. As if on cue, the bats retreated from Jade and hung on the ceiling. Myotismon advanced on a trembling and crying Jade, forming a whip of Crimson Lightning. "I think your chi would enjoy reuniting with your friend's over here," he told Jade. The vampire raised his hand that held the whip. "CRIMSON—"

"Not so fast, bat breath!" resounded a familiar voice that Myotismon immediately recognized as…

"Chan!" the vampire whirled around, seeing Jackie standing in the open doorway to the outside, with Leela and Zapp on either side of him. Myotismon decided to leave Jade be, as he had bigger fish to fry. He advanced on the triad, a malicious glint in his eye and an expression more ravenous than Mom's on his face. The doors slammed shut, causing the three remaining heroes to retreat into the castle. The three of them shared uneasy glances.

"Well well well… Chan and Brannigan… I've been expecting you two," said Myotismon. "As well as her." He thrust a finger at Leela. "I knew you were too cowardly to survive this planet alone, Chan. I knew you would bring reinforcement!"

Jackie, unwilling to look Myotismon square in the eye, searched for a spot on the floor and saw Amy, drained of her chi and lying motionless on the ground. He was so overcome with outrage and vengeance at what had happened to Leela's good friend that he managed to look at Myotismon directly in his ice-blue eyes. A shiver traveled down Jackie's spine as he interrogated, "What did you do to Amy Wong?"

"Did you… kill her?" breathed Leela.

The vampire chuckled to himself and ventured closer to Leela. "Fools, fools…" he murmured, then raised his voice for all three to hear. "It was not I who drained your little friend of her chi, no…" He ran a finger down Leela's left cheek, relishing the shudder she made after he finished. "It was another vampire… elderly yet potent… her hairstyle comparable to Dracula, the most famous vampire of them all… yet he did not hold a candle to me."

"Mom," whispered Leela.

"And now," declared Myotismon, backing up so he could see all three in his view, "your lives will be gone, but your legacy will live on! As three unknown souls who were harebrained enough to venture onto Nightmarion 5, looking for trouble and egocentric enough to play the heroes! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Jackie glanced at Leela. Leela, in turn, glanced back at Jackie. Both put their hands in their pockets and grabbed the nearest talisman they laid their hands on, then glared at the vampire. Then both of their mouths dropped open in shock as they witnessed what was happening in front of them. Jackie and Leela gawked at the sight of Zapp casually conversing with a bewildered-looking Myotismon, up close to him as if they were long-time friends.

"What the hell is he doing?" Leela hissed to Jackie.

Jackie shrugged, then turned his head to gawk some more and listen in on this conversation.

"…you with Amy, and how you managed to score her even without the sham-pag-in," said Zapp. "So tell me… you're this vampire, you've got those hideous fangs and just plain weird blue skin and purple lips, you're supposedly eight hundred years old, and then you're this total villain who's trying to conquer the universe… how come you're such a ladies man and I'm not?"

"Jackie! I think he's trying to stall him!" Leela exclaimed, still whispering. Grinning, she and Jackie began to venture closer to the vampire in an attempt to grab the talisman out of his hands.

"I mean, I can't even get a woman to flash me on Freedom Day," the captain continued. "And you got down and dirty with Amy Wong and, heh, you didn't even have to get her hammered! You wouldn't believe how much sham-pag-in Leela had to drink before she consented to doing the mattress mambo."

Leela turned bright red and sheepishly rubbed the back of her neck. Myotismon's face twisted from confused to slightly flustered, just beginning to tolerate Zapp's mindless ramblings.

"So tell me, Myo, what is it you've got that I don't that makes you such a chick magnet? I don't get it at all! I'm a prestigious starship captain who has won the never-ending war between good and neutral with stunning good looks, a supple and Herculean physique, a personality that shines like the Las Vegas strip, a clever mind that has an endless library of ingenious pickup lines, and huge wads of cash. And then there's you… an evil vampire shut-in who lives in a musty castle on some muh-CAY-ber planet who's eight hundred years old and has the body of a corpse and a face only a blind mother could love. I just don't get it!"

Myotismon, who had very well been listening, grew more and more outraged at the insults that Zapp threw at him. Finally, at the comment about his face, he just cracked. "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" he shouted out of rage, whipping Zapp so hard he got smashed against the wall behind him and knocked unconscious. "Either of you clowns care to join him?" he asked Jackie and Leela, who shook their heads. Myotismon said nothing; he swished his cape around him and disappeared into a white mist, his bats following.

Leela, who had grown from frightened to courageous to furious, kicked the fallen chandelier, not caring if she had broken her foot. A clang echoed through the hall, and the clang gradually died down. "Great," she uttered sarcastically. "This is just fantastic. Myotismon has the Bat Talisman and the Pan-Ku Box, and…" she looked at the identical grandfather clock she had seen on the videophone. "…we only have four hours before the Digi-Demons are released on Earth! This is just perfect. Nibbler's with Captain Black, so he can't very well EAT Myotismon, not that he'd want to anyway, and we used to have twelve people on our team. Then it got reduced to seven. Then three. And now it's just two of us!"

"Ahem." Jade cleared her throat, and Leela and Jackie glanced down at Jade. She had regained her spunk and energy and sat on the floor of the castle. "There's three of us."

"JADE!" shouted Jackie, running over to Jade and picking her up off the floor, embracing her so tightly it seemed as if he would never let go. "Jade, my niece, my precious niece! I thought I'd never see you again! Are you OK? Are you hurt? Oh… answer me… did Myotismon do anything to you?"

"Myotismon locked me up but Amy helped me escape and she fought Mom and I killed Mom and when I was locked up I heard him say to Valmont that he's going to go to Earth and open the portal to the Digital World!" exclaimed Jade, blabbering at a mile a minute to her uncle. She paused to catch her breath. "The portal's in Japan and he's gonna get there by using a bunch of cards in a room in the North Tower, the one that faces the Black Forest!"

Jackie gasped, and he nearly dropped Jade.

"We need to get there, and fast!" shouted Leela, running in the direction of the stairs.

Jackie grabbed her by one of the straps of her tank top. "Not so fast, Leela… we don't know the castle as well as he does. We need to fly around the castle to get to it. We'll need the Rooster Talisman to help us fly… the Snake Talisman so the guards don't see us… and the Rabbit Talisman for speed. We need to hurry."

"Can I come with?" asked Jade.

"No, Jade," asserted Jackie. "I am not going to lose you again."

"But Jack-IE… if I stay safely in your sight, Myotismon's goons won't kidnap me."

Jackie sighed. "Fine, Jade. I don't know why I always give in to you…"

Half an hour had passed, but Jackie, Leela, and Jade found the North Tower and flew in through its window. The three of them, seeing the coast was clear, decided to cease using the talismans and become visible again. They were greeted by a circular flight of stairs.

"Come on," motioned Jackie, leading the two females up the stone steps. They sprinted up as much as they could, then resorted to walking. Finally, after what seemed like forever, they reached an immense ceiling with a trapdoor in it. "Well… this is it…" said Jackie. "Time to stop Myotismon from unleashing his brothers and sisters on an innocent planet!" Without further fuss, he opened the trapdoor, and he, Leela, and Jade climbed up.

The three of them peered into a massive, spacious, stone room that was lit by hundreds of torches. What looked like a circular portal stood in the center of the room, and a grid was next to it. However, they were not alone. Myotismon, the Dark Hand, Mom's sons, and Demidevimon also occupied the room. Jackie and Leela watched breathlessly, but Jade could not see.

"If Chan and his friends arrive, do away with them as quickly as possible," directed the vampire. "I don't want a single trace left of them." He placed nine cards on a grid, his army watching. "It's time to stand back and work my magic!" he declared. A cylinder of light reflecting all the colors of the rainbow appeared in the middle of the portal. "Open the gate to my destiny!" The cylinder glowed more radiantly than ever, and Myotismon took the Bat Talisman and the Pan-Ku Box into the exact center of the light.

"Not so fast!" exclaimed Jackie, swinging the trapdoor open with a bang. He, Leela, and Jade leapt into the room. "You gave us until the Hour of the Beast to come here! It's way before that!"

"Yeah, you're not being fair!" added Jade.

"I don't play fair," replied Myotismon. "Farewell, digi-doomed! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…" The laughter grew distant as the vampire disappeared into the bright light.

The Dark Hand, Mom's sons, and Demidevimon all sneered at Jackie and Leela.

"Our master told us that if you ever came, we'd have to do away with you," informed Finn, holding out a pair of nunchucks.

"G'uh!" muttered Jade.

"And since you came…" continued Demidevimon…

"Get them," concluded Valmont.

All of a sudden, Jackie and Leela kicked and punched wildly in the air as nine minions of pure evil advanced on them and began doing the same. They knew they were outnumbered. Jackie kicked Ratso in the face, but Chow was there to trip Jackie. Leela got her foot stuck in Tohru's gut, and Mom's sons were right behind her to give her three punches to the stomach. All of a sudden, Demidevimon said, "I'll take care of them once and for all!" Out of nowhere, he produced a syringe full of a grey liquid. "DEMI DART!" It took a direct hit in Jackie's neck. Jackie winced in pain as he pulled it out. It was no use, for much of the tranquilizer was already circulating through his bloodstream.

"JACKIE!" screamed both Leela and Jade.

Thinking quickly, Jackie reached into his pocket with his last ounce of strength and pulled out the first talisman he found. "LEELA! CATCH!" He hurled it at Leela, who caught it.

Suddenly, a stream of red light erupted from Leela's eye, and she blasted Tohru and Mom's sons straight into the wall with it. Tohru hit it with great impact, causing the wall and part of the ceiling to fall on him. Mom's sons bounced off of the corpulent sumo wrestler and hit the opposite wall. As Finn, Chow, and Ratso advanced on Leela to avenge their friend, Leela glared at them and blasted the three of them into the wall. Valmont began to panic, but Leela decided to use a kung-fu move on him and kick him into the pile of Dark Hand members. Demidevimon flew into the distance. "That's it; I'm getting outta here!" was the last everyone heard from him.

Only Mom's sons remained. Leela attempted to use the powers of the Pig Talisman— the talisman that Jackie threw at her— on them, but their laser-proof suits proved that it was powerless. "Oh no!" she exclaimed as her eye returned back to normal. "Mom's sons can't be defeated!"

"I KILLED YOUR MOTHER!" Jade blurted out.

All of a sudden, Walt, Larry, and Igner began to tremble.

"She killed Mommy?" asked Igner. "Mommy is dead? Will she come back?"

Walt's face took on the shade of concrete. "She… she… no…"

All three of Mom's sons collapsed onto the floor. Jackie and Leela glanced at each other. It was only a matter of time before they came to.

Then came a second stroke of luck. The trapdoor opened again, and out of it came Zapp. Only this time, he had a crowd of DOOP policemen with him, including two fresh out of the NNYPD— a bucktoothed policeman and a robot.

"FREEZE!" shouted the bucktoothed policeman, brandishing a gun. "Under the Democratic Order of Planets, I place you under arrest for siding with a vampire and trying to take over the universe!" He took Jackie and handcuffed his wrists. "You have the right to remain silent…"

"Justice. Sweet as honey. Aww yeah," added his robotic partner (a partner in more ways than one), handcuffing Leela as the bucktoothed policeman recited the Miranda rights.

"Uh… Smitty? URL? Those are the good guys," said Zapp. "All the bad guys are…" He looked around. "… on the floor."

"Sorry about that, babe," apologized URL in his velvety voice, freeing Leela's wrists.

Twenty minutes later, all the DOOP policemen escorted the Dark Hand and Mom's now-orphaned sons out of the castle and into police cars.

"Unhand me, you fools!" commanded Valmont as he was thrown into the back of one of the cars with Finn, Chow, and Ratso. Walt, Larry, and Igner were locked up (and crying) in a second one, and Tohru had a vehicle all to himself.

"SHUT UP!" snapped the officer. "We'll unhand you when you're safely locked up in Alcatraz!"

"HA!" laughed Valmont. "Alcatraz hasn't been used since the 1970's!"

"Not this Alcatraz… I'm talking about the space Alcatraz! Oh, you're going to love it… surrounded by maximum security laser fields, always-alert security guards…" The door closed shut so no one could hear what the policeman was about to say next. Sirens wailing, the squad rockets took off into the distance to transport Myotismon's human minions to prison.

Only two squad rockets remained behind, along with two police officers.

"It's a good thing you knocked out those bad guys, Captain Brannigan," acknowledged one of them, enthusiastically shaking Zapp's hand.

The starship captain grinned, showing off his dazzling white teeth. "Please, do go on. Would you like to know how I did it—" He was elbowed in the stomach by Leela.

"How can I ever repay you?" asked the second one.

Leela looked at him. "Uh… can you take us all back to Earth? Our ship broke down here and we need to get back before… uh… before…"

"Well, our friends are sick, and we were taking them back and got stranded here, and if we don't get a good, clean Earth hospital soon, they could die!" Jade exclaimed, which was partly the truth, given Bender's, Kif's, and Amy's conditions.

Before long, Fry, Leela, Bender, Jackie, Jade, Zapp, Kif, and Amy were riding back to Earth at near light speed. It was only a matter of time before Myotismon unleashed his brethren on Earth… it was only a matter of time…

To be continued…


	12. Prophecy and PanKu

A/N: Athena's on a roll! You see, I wrote this the day after I wrote chapter 11. Here's hoping I can squeeze in one more before vacation. If not, farewell, and see you in three weeks or so. And yes, I did write the prophecy all by myself, save the last part. (I just HAD to use that last part from the _Digimon_ episode "Prophecy.") The chapter is a bit long, but the battles require more writing than I anticipated. So, as I always say… Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 12

Prophecy and Pan-Ku

The sky over New New York had taken on a menacing shade of grey, as if a thunderstorm were imminent. Meanwhile, in the brick-red Planet Express building, a liberal amount of activity was taking place. Amy lay as limp and motionless as ever on the faculty breakfast table, Dr. Zoidberg examining her and Kif weeping into her chest. Meanwhile, in the Accusing Parlor (which was the closest thing to a study, in Uncle's opinion), Uncle had opened his books of research and was now supervising Jackie's feverish studying. Both were figuring out how to stop Myotismon before it was too late. The grandfather clock in the Accusing Parlor showed the time was 5:04 PM Eastern Time. Meanwhile, in Tokyo, Japan, the time was 6:04 AM. [A/N: That is true. I did some research, and Tokyo time is thirteen hours ahead of New York time.] The truth was that Tokyo time coincided with Nightmarion 5 time. Finally, in the lounge, Bender, Fry, and Zapp were watching TV with the volume turned way up. Professor Farnsworth, convinced that they had defeated Myotismon, had disabled the force field. The others were watching Zoidberg examine Amy.

Fry put his bare feet on the coffee table. "Man, it feels good to be watching TV again," he told no one in particular. "With all the Bavarian cream dogs and Soylent Doritos you can eat!" As if to emphasize his point, he chomped down on what looked like a hot dog. White cream splattered all over everything within a three-foot radius.

"Have you three stooges forgot that we haven't defeated Myotismon yet?" Leela pointed out. "Amy's chi is drained, Jade is covered with bat bites, Jackie is studying his brains out, and MYOTISMON IS ABOUT TO UNLEASH HIS DIGI-DEMONS ON OUR PLANET!" The three on the couch jumped up from surprise. "How could you be watching TV at a time like this?"

Meanwhile, Zoidberg took a small rubber hammer and hit Amy in various places. First her knee, then her arm, and then three times on her forehead. "Well, I did all I could to the human. Her fin rot caused her to float upside down. The human Amy is dead." That caused Kif to wail into Amy even harder.

"But Amy's alive!" Jade pointed out, covered in colorful children's bandages. "She just got drained of her chi, that's all."

"Young man, who's the doctor here?" the lobster retorted. "Hermes, take her to the toilet and flush her down."

"Do eet yourself, ya faht crahb!" snapped Hermes.

As Zoidberg slung Amy's body over his shoulder, Jade decided to use her second and last resort. "UNCLE!" she screamed. "TELL THEM AMY IS NOT DEAD!" There was a pause. "WE'LL MAKE YOU GREEN TEA!"

"I CARE NOT FOR GREEN TEA!" a voice shouted from the stairwell that led to the Accusing Parlor. Uncle hurried down the stairs, through the lounge, and into the conference room. He was followed by a winded-looking Jackie, who carried a book larger than most dictionaries. Jackie slammed the book down on the table, and it was opened to one text-covered page. Uncle adjusted his glasses, pressed his fingers around Amy's wrist, then listened to her chest for signs of life as Jackie sat down to catch his breath. "Amy Wong is NOT dead," he announced to everyone. Kif leapt into the air out of joy. "However, she has been drained of her chi."

"Chi?" wondered Fry. "What's chi?"

Uncle seemed to radiate a mystical glow about him. "Chi is the essence of a person. It is what you call a soul. A person's chi IS the person! If you are deprived of your chi, you have NO senses… no ability to move… YOU WILL LIE AROUND ALL DAY AS NOTHING BUT A BODY!!!" The glow instantly disappeared.

Zoidberg dropped Amy onto the table.

"ONE MORE THING! Jackie found a prophecy that can tell us how to defeat Myotismon! Jackiiiieeeee, show them the paaaaage!"

At the sound of "defeat Myotismon," Fry, bender, and Zapp leapt up from the couch and dashed over to the conference table. Everyone there leaned towards the book, listening intently.

Jackie began to read what he and Uncle had just translated. "It's a prophecy," he informed them. "To me, it doesn't really make sense—"

"YOUR MIND IS ROTTEN AND UNCLEAR, JACKIIIIEEEEEEE!" screamed Uncle, whacking Jackie between the eyes. "You do not possess a mind like Uncle!"

Jackie rolled his eyes and decided to read. " 'When the vernal equinox has come and gone and the summer solstice slowly approaches, darkness will fall upon the Mother Planet. The sky shall fill with the screeches of a million bats, and the eight greatest evils will prevail at the Hour of the Beast, unlocked from their five-hundred-year confinement. Seven will fall victim to he who possesses the mind of a child. The darkness will only lessen at the hand of the largest amount of light, but the tiniest star will prove to be the brightest of all. Please always recycle.' So did that make sense to you?"

Everyone, looking bewildered, scratched their heads and looked around. Uncle was the only one who maintained a straight face.

" 'Please always recycle?' " Fry scoffed. "Geez, it's the year 3000 or so, and we ALWAYS recycle! It's impossible NOT to recycle nowadays!"

"So… we gotta throw Myotismon directly into Vega or something?" asked Zapp.

Uncle whacked everyone between the eyes, one after the other. "YOU EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDIOTS!!!! YOU NOT INTELLIGENT AT AAALLLLLL! YOU NEED MORE GAAAAAAAAAAARRLLLEEEEEEEEEEEC! Garlic clears the MIND, you know."

Everyone looked away from Uncle and at the TV screen. It showed a screen with five robots and one human on it. An announcer said, "And now… back to a very special _All My Circuits._"

On _All My Circuits_, Monique was on the screen, speaking to Calculon and a number of other robots, plus the only human character. Her distended stomach showed that she was pregnant. Dramatic chords sounded in the background as she spoke. "The secret is out! I… I know who the father-bot of my baby is!… And that man-bot is…"

Suddenly, there was a screen that read "SPECIAL REPORT" in big, bold letters. "This is a special report," declared a male voice.

Fry and Bender, the biggest _All My Circuits_ fans, groaned loudly and banged their heads on the table.

"No, no, NO!" cried Bender. "Now we'll NEVER find out who the father is!"

The screen switched once again to a scene of Linda and Morbo sitting in front of a panoramic view of Los Angeles. Linda cleared her throat and set a few papers on the table in front of her. "Good afternoon, Earth," declared a solemn-looking Linda. Morbo, on the other hand, appeared to be overjoyed. "Today, at exactly 6:06 AM, Tokyo was rudely awakened by the arrival of seven monsters through a mysterious wormhole. Because the annual 'Godzilla and Friends' festival was held three weeks ago, police authorities have been notified." Scenes of each Digi-Demon appeared on the screen, one after the other. "These monsters, as ridiculous as they might look, are dangerous. They have been described to be the devil in black leather, his… er… wife, a gay clown, a wooden puppet in blue pants, an Elvis-impersonating monkey, a cyborg of some sort, and a sea serpent. Reports have also confirmed that these monsters are capable of speaking English." Those descriptions pertained to Devimon, LadyDevimon, Piedmon, Puppetmon, Etemon, Apocalymon, and MetalSeadramon.

The image on the screen switched back to Morbo. "I knew the puny humans were not as powerful as they thought they were!" he chuckled.

"A ha ha ha ha," laughed Linda. "And now, our field reporter with an exclusive interview with one of the monsters."

On the TV, an amateur-looking Japanese reporter who was holding a microphone was making his way towards MetalSeadramon. "Uh… thank you, Linda. Today I will be asking this creature what it wants with Earth, and what we can give it to make it stop attacking." He held up his microphone, then suddenly MetalSeadramon's head zoomed down and chomped down on the reporter, then flew back up just as quickly. There was a muffled yell, a nasty crunch, and then a swallowing noise. The camera dropped down to the ground, and it showed an image of the screaming cameraman running for his life and MetalSeadramon slithering off to eat more people. "I'm starvin'!" he exclaimed in his raspy, young voice that had a slight drawl. "C'mon, let me eat ya for breakfast!"

Leela turned the TV off. "That does it; we're going to Japan!"

Professor Farnsworth uttered, "Oh my." He looked around the room. "Eh… Fry? Leela? Bender? You're going to Japan. And so is Captain Brannigan. And… yes, Jackie Chan."

"I COME, TOO!" insisted Uncle. "YOU ALL NEED CHI SPELLS TO PROTECT YOU!"

Zoidberg raised his claw and jumped up in the air. "Oooh, let Zoidberg come with you! You WILL need a doctor…"

Kif and Hermes refused to go with them; Kif could not bear to leave Amy, and Hermes could not care less. Neither could Scruffy, who said, "Let Scruffy know if humanity's enslaved. Scruffy wants ta be ready."

"Jackiiieeeee… can't I come too?" begged Jade, hugging Jackie's legs.

"NO," demanded Jackie. "Not this time, Jade. I already lost you once, remember, and I don't want to lose you again. You are going to stay with Amy, end of story."

Jade let go of Jackie, then slumped over to where Amy and Kif were. Hermes walked to his office, and Scruffy trudged down the stairs to the basement. She kept her lower lip protruding as she saw Fry, Leela, Bender, Professor Farnsworth, Zoidberg, Jackie, Uncle, and Zapp board the Planet Express ship in its hangar. Suddenly, she grinned maliciously and hurried aboard.

* * *

The ship took off and landed in Japan about ten seconds later. Tokyo had been reduced from a glittering metropolis to what looked like the set of a disaster movie. The green ship landed in a parking hangar, where it seemed they would be safe.

Everyone present gathered around Uncle, who had taken the liberty of setting up a small cauldron that was filled with the necessary chi ingredients. The potion was beginning to boil over a fire, the fireplace which it was blazing in had come with the pot. A strong-smelling steam escaped from the mixture, causing everyone to wrinkle their noses.

"You will all be fighting the Digi-Demons today," declared Uncle, the glow of the fire giving his face a mystical look. "When the chi spell is complete, you will get your own customized version of it."

"How are you going to customize it, Uncle?" asked Leela. "And where did you get all the chi ingredients?"

"Little Neptune," replied Uncle. "The Neptunians are veeeeeeery nice." The sage glared at the professor. "Unlike SOME people!"

The professor harrumphed and turned his back on Uncle. "I may not be a nice person, but at least I'm not UGLY!" he retorted. "I actually have a head, unlike that coconut with white hairs sprouting out of it that's resting on top of your shoulders!"

Before Uncle could open his mouth in rebuttal, Jackie stepped between Professor Farnsworth and Uncle, holding his arms out. "Professor, Uncle, PLEASE! Just be tolerant of each other… just this once…"

"FINE!" snapped Uncle. "Professsssaaaaar, you be USEFUL for once and give everyone a TALISMAN!"

"Well, where are the talismans, hmmmmmm?" asked the professor.

Sighing, Leela and Jackie gave up the twelve talismans, which were welcomed by Professor Farnsworth's wrinkled hands. "Good news, everyone! You all get a talisman!" Everyone held out their hands. "One for you… one for you…" He dropped random talismans into everyone's hands.

"PROFESSOR, YOU FOOL!" Uncle screamed. If it had been any shriller, glass would have shattered in an instant. Everyone nearly leapt out of their shoes. "You cannot just GIIIIIIIVE random talismans to people! THEY KNOW NOT OF THE POWERS THEY POSSESS!"

"Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe… eh, hand them back, everyone," responded the professor. Everyone yielded their talisman to a disgruntled Professor Farnsworth, who looked as if his greatest desire was to set Uncle on fire, or at least shove the talismans where the sun did not shine.

As Uncle began to give a long-winded lecture on the different powers of the talismans, Jade decided that this was the perfect time to sneak out of her hiding place in the engine room and join the others. She would blend in… Jade tiptoed closer… closer…

"JADE!" shouted Jackie, startling the others once again. Heads turned to look at Jade, whose sheepish grin exposed every tooth in her mouth.

"Hi, Jackie!" Jade greeted in her usual bubbly manner, waving.

Jackie rubbed his forehead in exasperation. "Jaaaaaade," he addressed in that tone of voice he only used when Jade was in deep trouble, "what did I just tell you?"

"You told me to stay with Amy," replied Jade. "But you didn't tell me whether you wanted me with the body or the chi. Remembering Uncle's boring little lesson on how the chi is the person, blah blah blah, I realized that I should stay with Amy's chi. And since Amy's chi is with Myotismon…"

Jackie refused to open his mouth, for he could not decide whether to scold Jade or to laugh. At one point, he raised his index finger and opened his mouth, but no words escaped. After three seconds of fickle decision-making, the archaeologist decided not to say or do anything.

"The girl speaks wisely," remarked Uncle. "She LISTENS to Uncle."

"Yes, yes, yes," said Zapp sarcastically. "Anyone who listens to Uncle is wise. Now let's just go out there and kill the Digi-Demons before they go Myotismon on our asses." To prove his point, he whipped out a laser gun and cocked it.

Like he had done to Jackie, Uncle whacked the starship captain between the eyes. "NO!" the sage shrieked. "NO GUNS! MAGIC MUST DEFEAT MAGIC!"

"I hate to say this," said Leela, "but Zapp's right. I doubt the Digi-Demons are magic. I mean… they're Digimon, for God's sake. The only way to get rid of a Digimon is to use classic American violence."

Uncle poked Leela in the eye. "NO! DO YOU NOT LIIIIIISTEN???!!!! MAGIC MUST DEFEAT MAGIC!!!!!!"

As Leela stumbled around and held her hand over her eye, Fry opened his mouth, only to also be whacked between the eyes like the last two.

"_MAGIC MUST DEFEAT MAGIC!!!!!!!!!_" Uncle screamed so loudly, it could be heard two blocks away as well as over the crashes of buildings that were demolished in the attack.

A deafening silence filled the ship.

"But Uncle," Fry pointed out, "I was wondering if I could take that Devimon guy. You know, the demon of air? I've always wanted to fly."

"Yes… yes…" answered Uncle. He gave Fry the Rooster Talisman. "Then you will need this." He suddenly changed from a cranky old man full of hot air into a mystic sage. "Leela, you are a strong woman. That is why I am giving you the Ox Talisman for even more strength, more than you already possess. Be prepared to fight LadyDevimon with it." Leela grinned as she caught the Ox Talisman. She already felt adrenaline surge through her veins. "And Bender… though you are already formidable as a robot, your love of music will help you in your fight against Etemon. Do not do it physically— challenge him to a guitar contest. The Rabbit Talisman will enhance your ability tenfold."

"All RIGHT!" exclaimed the robot. "Nobody dares to monkey around with me, or they'll have to bite my shiny metal ass!" He threw the Rabbit Talisman into his chest cabinet.

"And Professor Farnsworth," Uncle continued, "since you are no better than a snake, I am giving you the Snake Talisman for invisibility. That way, no one will have to look at your HIDEOUS FACE! And since Puppetmon is the least powerful, you shall fight against him… maybe to the death. I HOPE HE COMES BACK THE WINNER!"

The professor stuck his tongue out at Uncle, who pretended not to notice.

"Captain Brannigan, as a space captain, you will be fighting Apocalymon on the moon," declared Uncle. "And siiiince this is up in spaaaace… two talismans for you! The dog for immortality because you cannot breathe in space… as well as the dragon for FIRE BREATHING! Apocalymon hates fire!"

"HEY!" barked Professor Farnsworth. "How come I don't get the fire when I'm fighting a wooden puppet?"

"Because I hate you," replied Uncle. "You reek of bad chi and formaldehyde! Finally, Jackiiiiieeeee… you will fight Piedmon, the most powerful of them all, with the remaining five talismans!" He gave the Tiger, Monkey, Pig, Horse, Sheep, and Rat Talismans to Jackie, who contemplated them with mixed feelings.

"What about Zoidberg?" complained the lobster. "Don't I get a talisman? Does ZOIDBERG get to fight anyone? I want the one in the sea, I do!"

Jackie threw the Monkey Talisman at Zoidberg, who zealously caught it.

"Zoidberg won't let you down, humans and robutt!" blabbed Zoidberg, who held his talisman as if it were a crown jewel. "I will FIGHT to the death, I will! Until there is NO MORE!" He crowed, then punched a pretend enemy with his claws.

"NO! YOU WILL NOT FIGHT TO THE DEATH!" shrieked Uncle. "You will fight until the Digi-Demons are unprepared and weak. Then you will jump up and down, chant 'Nu mo bway fa fi di tao,' and hold your chi potion up until it forms a gate back to the digital world! The demons will be sucked in, and Myotismon will need to fend for himself!" While Uncle spoke, he handed out vials of the customized chi potions to everyone.

At that point, Jackie, Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, and the professor were all let out of the ship. Though it was supposed to go to the moon, it did not rise from its landing pad.

"FLY US TO THE MOOOOON!" screamed Uncle. "DO NOT JUST STAND THERE!"

"I don't know how to fly this contraption!" admitted Zapp. Uncle once again hit him between the eyes.

"What, it's no different from the _Cumulus_…" Jade pointed out. "Isn't it?"

Finally, after everything was figured out, the Planet Express ship took off from the ground, in just enough time to allow Myotismon to know what was about to happen on the moon.

* * *

Fry's battle was the first one fought. "All right, Devimon…" he muttered under his breath, "it's just you, me, and the Rooster Talisman." The delivery boy looked around, but he saw no sign of the demon anywhere, only civilians sprinting away from where he was standing. "Oh well, I guess he's already been killed by the army or something—"

"Looking for someone?" asked a cold, deep voice behind him. Fry turned around and found himself staring directly into the face of Devimon, a demon who was clad in a leather bodysuit and had tattered bat wings and two extra-large horns protruding from his head.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed, trying to run away, but Devimon leapt into the air and landed in front of him.

"Don't be scared, Red," said Devimon, holding out his hand. Dark energy filtered out of it and bounded Fry like a hand. "It's only me, Devimon." Fry struggled to break free, but the energy held him like a straitjacket. "Say… the ground is a bit too… crowded for us… why don't we take this upstairs." He cackled, then carried Fry up into the air, far above the tallest skyscrapers.

Fry kicked and flailed. "No," he pleaded, "please don't drop me!"

"Too late!" replied the demon, letting go of the redhead.

As Fry plummeted to the ground, he remembered he had a talisman. "Let it work!" he exclaimed.

All of a sudden, the talisman that he had kept in his pocket glowed. Fry hovered in midair, then began to erratically zoom all over the place, in arbitrary directions, as if he were wearing a jet pack with a leak in it. He did twists and turns, then flew up through the stratosphere, then plummeted back down again, only to speed off into the direction of a building.

"What the—" asked Devimon, attempting to chase after Fry, but the delivery boy's poor flying abilities got him dizzy after a chase in circles. He spun his head around, then suddenly felt nauseous. Then, after seeing Fry shoot above him, he fainted and fell to the ground.

"Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa!" shouted Fry as the uncontrollable flight swung him around and around. The delivery boy glanced downward and saw Devimon plummeting to the ground. "Hey, I guess I have better fighting skills than Leela told me," he remarked, hovering in midair. Then he did an incredibly stupid thing: he took the talisman out of his pocket. "I guess I didn't need you after all," he told it, chucking it aside. The talisman's glowing ceased, and it dropped to the street below. "Uh oh. WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

Fortunately, Devimon was there to break Fry's fall. "Oof!" they both ejaculated as the delivery boy landed on top of the demon. Devimon moaned in pain, and Fry knew that he was vulnerable, so he held up his chi spell and uncorked the bottle. Jumping up and down, he began to chant.

"Nu mom bway fun find it OW! No Monday be finding DOLL!" The potion spilled all over the ground. "Aw, this is HOPELESS," muttered Fry as Devimon stood up and advanced on him. "Why did Uncle give me a faulty chi spell? Why couldn't I have just said 'hocus pocus' instead of 'nu mo bway fa fi di tao' or whatever it is?"

The vial glowed a neon green, and it was ejected from its container. Like a long thread, a small stream of the potion formed a circle, which in turn opened a smaller version of the Gate of Destiny. Devimon's feet slid down the ground, and the demon fell over and clutched onto the gravel with his claws. The force emitted by the gate was pulling the demon in, but left Fry alone. Papers and garbage also blew down the street as the vacuum of the gate sucked even more. Finally, Devimon abandoned all hope and let go. After his body had completely vanished in the gate, it closed, turned into the potion once again, then fell onto the street with a splash.

"And that's the end of that chapter," said Fry as the crowd around him applauded.

* * *

The second fight was Jackie against Piedmon. Wandering through the streets, Jackie searched for any signs of a Digi-Demon. That was when the martial-arts master came upon what appeared to be a circus tent, which people were avoiding at all costs. The sounds of calliope and evil laughter could be faintly heard inside.

"Not in there you go," a Japanese man warned Jackie in broken English. "People go but not come out!"

"A Digi-Demon," deduced Jackie, who dashed towards the tent as quickly as possible. However, Jackie was not about to make a grand entrance. He pushed the red-and-white striped door of the tent aside to see nothing more than an ordinary three-ring circus. However, everything had an eerie blue glow to it, as if it were enchanted. The seats were vacant, there was no menagerie of animals, and there were no performers or ringleader. Wondering why no one bothered to enter the tent, Jackie cautiously entered and began to relax.

There was a booming noise as all the lights went off, and a spotlight shone only on him. The sound of a drumroll echoed through the tent, and a fruity male voice resounded as if he were speaking into a powerful microphone. Jackie's body vibrated with each word.

"Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls of all ages! Prepare to feast your eyes on a spectacle of amazement and wonder as a Digi-Demon claims yet ANOTHER victim! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Another spotlight shone on a trapeze, and a clown in a gaudy costume fell onto it from out of nowhere, swung on it a few times, then landed gracefully, facing Jackie. "I am your ringleader," said the clown in the same voice as that on the loudspeaker. "I am Lord Piedmon, the Digi-Demon of mirth as well as the mountain."

"Jackie Chan, your assailant!" replied Jackie, standing in a fighting stance, mentally pleading that his talismans work.

"You say you want to fight?" wondered Piedmon. "I love a good tragedy! TRUMP SWORD!" The jester slashed his two swords through the air, and a red X made out of pure energy hit Jackie square in the chest. Jackie tried to use the Pig Talisman to hit Piedmon in the chest and knock him over, but the severe pain of the impact kept his eyes closed. And that damn calliope music in the background only made it worse for Jackie.

"TRUMP SWORD!" shouted Piedmon again. Jackie rolled out of the way just in time, and tried to focus more on putting the Pig Talisman to use. He focused on the clown, and a red laser beam shot out of his eyes. Piedmon leapt out of the way and maniacally cackled. Once again, Jackie tried to zap him with the laser beams, but once again, Piedmon was too quick for him. The martial-arts master knew that he had to be in perfect shape to be focused.

"A-choo," he said to the Horse Talisman. "A-choo!" The pain was ameliorated enough for Jackie to stand up. "A-choo! A-choo!"

Piedmon put on a false expression of sympathy. "Oh, I'm sorry, you have a cold in the nose!" He took out a white handkerchief and threw it at Jackie. "Here, take my handkerchief!"

Before Jackie could do anything else, the handkerchief grew to the size of a bedsheet and covered him. Jackie felt himself paralyzed everywhere; even his eyes could not move. When Piedmon lifted the handkerchief, he seemed to have grown to fifty times his normal size. Or Jackie had shrunk. Everything seemed larger to him.

"Well, well, well, my very own Jackie Chan keychain!" exclaimed the clown to Jackie's face. His breath smelled like wine, and Jackie was unable to wince. He was jiggled around by the clown, but to him it was as if he were in a boat that was stranded in a violent hurricane. But then the shock got to him: he was a keychain. A completely immobile, powerless keychain.

As Piedmon laughed like a maniac once again, the archaeologist realized that he did not just possess the Pig and Horse Talismans, but the Rat Talisman as well. _Gnome Cop!_ Jackie realized, getting a recollection of the time the talisman was inserted into Jade's Gnome Cop doll, and the doll came to life. _I have the Rat Talisman, and if it can grant motion to a doll, it can definitely do the same to a keychain!_

As if on cue, the miniature talisman glowed from inside Jackie's pocket, and suddenly Jackie felt as if his body was being unfrozen. He could move his eyes, then his fingers and toes, and then his entire body. "Give it up, clown boy!" he shouted, kicking and punching the air. "A-choo!"

Jackie felt himself drop to the floor, a normal human again. He knew that now was a good time, as Piedmon had fallen to the floor in shock as well. Jackie stood up, uncorked the vial, chanted "Nu mo bway fa fi di tao," and waited for the Gate of Destiny to form.

After Piedmon was completely sucked into the gate and the gate closed, Jackie decided to say the first thing that came to mind. "Looks like the curtain just went down on you."

* * *

The next three battles were short and do not require much explanation. The third battle was Leela against LadyDevimon. Leela's taunts turned LadyDevimon away from the crowd, and it turned into a bitchfight, much worse than Leela's with Amy. She and the female devil slapped each other, wrestled on the ground, anything to weaken LadyDevimon. As Leela kicked her adversary against the wall of a building, she quickly activated the chi spell.

Professor Farnsworth's fight with Puppetmon was simple—his invisibility got the puppet as dazed and confused as Devimon had been with Fry. Then, when Puppetmon was not looking, the professor took a lighter and set Puppetmon's pants on fire. Finally, he opened the Gate of Destiny and sent Puppetmon tumbling into it, much to the dismay of Uncle, who hoped the professor would not come back alive.

Fifth was Bender's fight against Etemon. The Elvis-impersonating monkey challenged the robot to a guitar contest, and Bender used his banjo. Etemon had said, "Beat this!" and played none other than the Elvis song "A Little Less Conversation" on his guitar. Bender, not to be beaten, activated the Rabbit Talisman and played a medley of folk songs on his banjo. His grand finale was bashing the monkey over the head with his banjo, then sloshing the chi spell over him. Luckily, Leela had arrived and chanted "Nu mo bway fa fi di tao!" before Etemon came to.

Five Digi-Demons had been safely locked away inside the gate, and only two remained: one on Earth, the other on the moon. Zoidberg's battle with MetalSeadramon was to be fought on Earth—in the harbor, to be more precise. Sure enough, the sea serpent was lurking in the harbor, waiting for yet another unsuspecting human to wade in and eat them.

The lobster, however, did not see him, so he kindly asked anyone he passed. "Excuse me human," he said, tapping a disgusted woman on the shoulder. "Have you seen a big, smelly sea creature?"

"YOU!" screamed the woman in Japanese, running as far away from Zoidberg as possible. Once again, the lobster was crestfallen.

"That is it, I cannot stand you humans! Running away and not telling me if the sea serpent is there or not. If anyone cares to listen, I am going for a scuttle." Pretending to act arrogant, Zoidberg scuttled down the street until he reached a dock, then dropped himself into the harbor with a splash.

Below the surface, MetalSeadramon complained to himself about hunger. "Man, I'm starved… I haven't eaten in centuries, it seems. And NO, I CAN'T eat my brothers. Why not? They treat me like crap anyway… just because I'm from the ocean…"

Zoidberg heard these complaints and decided to go underwater. "Finally, a friend for Zoidberg!" he exclaimed, diving under the surface.

Near the bottom, the two met. "You are an outcast, too?" asked the lobster. "We have so much in common, we could be best friends!"  
MetalSeadramon only saw a free meal. "Uh… yeah, we could be friends, couldn't we?" he played along. "And… uh… do you know what friends do? They do favors for others. And… uh… I have a favor to ask of you." The serpent grinned evilly.

Zoidberg smiled for the first time that week. "For you, my friend?" he asked naïvely. "Anything!"

MetalSeadramon brought his tail close to his face and pointed to it with his tail. "Uh… I have an… itch on my nose and I was wondering if you could get it for me. Heh heh heh…"

Zoidberg scuttled closer, and just when he was close enough, MetalSeadramon immediately opened his mouth, clamped it around the lobster, and swallowed him in one gulp.

"Ah, that satisfies my hunger!" exclaimed MetalSeadramon. "For now… I'm still starvin'! WHERE'S ALL THE FISH???!!!"

Inside the sea serpent's small, stenchful stomach, Zoidberg looked around at his surroundings. Instead of frightened, the lobster felt furious. "I scratch your nose and you eat me! I tell you what, you are no longer Zoidberg's friend! You are his ENEMY! CRAAAAAW!" He squirted ink all over the stomach, which churned as it rejected the ink.

"Oh no!" realized MetalSeadramon. "Ink!" He quickly slithered onto shore because no one wants to swim in their own vomit.

In an instant, Zoidberg found himself back on the street. He stood up, put his claws on where his hips would have been, and glared at MetalSeadramon. "You are my enemy, and I'd eat YOU if I could make you a prawn!"

Suddenly, the Monkey Talisman glowed, and it shot a beam of light out at MetalSeadramon. It hit him, and the demon immediately shrank down from his immense form of a sea serpent into a prawn that flailed all over the sidewalk.

"Who's the tough guy now?" Zoidberg picked what used to be the Digi-Demon off the ground, then gleefully ate him. "Finally, a free meal for Zoidberg!"

Fry, Leela, Bender, Professor Farnsworth, and Jackie rushed up to where the lobster was, looking worried.

"Dr. Zoidberg, did you open the demon portal?" asked Leela. "If you didn't, we're here to fight MetalSeadramon."

"Metal… Seadramon?" asked the lobster, sounding guilty.

"Oh no… Zoidberg, did you let him get away?"

"Tell me, human, what did he look like?"

"Well, he was this huge, gold-plated sea serpent, about two hundred feet long with a hell of an appetite…"

"Uh oh."

"What do you mean by 'uh oh'?"

"…I ate him."

Leela gawked at her co-worker. Her eyeball looked as if it were about to pop out of its socket. "You… ate… a… two-hundred… foot… sea… serpent?"

"Yes, and I'm STILL HUNGRY! CRAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

"But… how did you do it?"

"I changed him into a PRAWN! NOW GIVE ME MORE PRAAAWNS!"

"The Monkey Talisman!" Jackie realized. His eyes lit up. "And as soon as Captain Brannigan arrives after sending Apocalymon back to the digital world, Dr. Zoidberg, I want you to give me the talisman, Dr. Zoidberg, and I promise you all the prawns you can eat!"

* * *

To be continued…


	13. The Digi Gate Scandal

A/N: Sorry that took so long. My dad accidentally broke the computer, erasing every last one of my files, so I had to type this all over again. Thank you for your patience! I sort of based one part on the teaser trailer for _The Incredibles_ (you know, where the man is trying to put on his superhero outfit?) and inserted an inside joke pertaining to the _Digimon_ episode "Apocalymon Now." This chapter is for all you Digi fans! (I sort of bash Piedmon a little, but he is one of my favorite characters.) Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 13

The Digi-Gate Scandal

"Today, at Luna Park, I officially declare today Fun Day: The Funnest Day on the Moon!" Mayor Poopenmeyer rehearsed as he approached a stage that faced a cheering crowd on Luna Park. The moon's largest (and only) amusement park was jam-packed with tourists who anxiously awaited the lunar holiday where no one had a care and everyone could do whatever activities they wished without feeling or looking foolish. It was much like Freedom Day on Earth, only there was a smaller number of people celebrating it. The mayor of New New York, who had been selected as the master of ceremonies that year, shuffled his cue cards once again.

Meanwhile, outside the dome that secluded the amusement park from the rest of the moon, the Planet Express ship touched the ground, sending clouds of moondust billowing outwards in all directions. Myotismon, who had surrounded himself with a spell that kept him alive in the unusually thin atmosphere of the moon, anxiously awaited the heroes' arrival in the shadows, prepared to ambush. However, Apocalymon, who hovered in the near-vacuum by the dome, was unaware that the vampire had arrived.

"My other six brothers and sister have been defeated," mused the vampire to himself as he peered around the curvature of the dome to see no one exit the ship. "I will not let my last remaining brother feel the crushing defeat and prolongued confinement of the others. It is now or never… I will ensure you never know failure again, my dear brother."

Apocalymon said nothing as he floated in the air, then sailed in the direction of the Planet Express ship. He landed on the surface of the moon, blowing moondust away as he did so. "So… someone new I need to annihilate…" he murmured. "I have always craved the presence of the others, but being locked away for hundreds of years with…" the cyborg shuddered, "…my siblings… it has given me a lust for the bloodshed of others."

Inside the Planet Express ship, Uncle was in the process of concocting yet another chi spell in addition to the confinement spell. The spell was the exact one that Myotismon had used on himself to allow him to breathe even in the void of space. As it boiled in its pot, the sage added the final ingredients.

"Powdered fish scales and eye of newt," he explained to Jade as he sifted the scales and dropped a nasty-looking eyeball into the bubbling brew, which emitted blue smoke that turned into a fiery red color.

"eye of newt?" wondered the spunky child. "So… what is this, one of those bogus witches' spells or something?"

Uncle did his usual reflex of whacking Jade between the eyes. It was the first time he had ever done so to Jade. "NO!" he squawked. "HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF THE POISONOUS PROPERTIES OF DRAGON HORN???!! The eye of newt is the ONLY ANTIDOTE!"

At this point, Apocalymon began to approach the ship, slowly but surely, aware that no one was watching.

Finally, the potion ceased its steaming and had almost jelled into what appeared to be a blood-red lotion that glowed like a neon sign. Uncle lifted the pot off the flames and set it on the floor. "CAPTAIN BRANNIGAN!" he shrieked. "THE POTION IS READY! ARE YOOOU???!!!"

"I still don't see why he just couldn't just use the stupid Dog Talisman for immortality," remarked Jade, "instead of having to go through all this chi spell crap."

"YOOOOOOU TRY PERPETUALLY HOLDING YOUR BREATH!" screamed Uncle. "It is not fun."

Zapp entered the room, wearing nothing but his black bathrobe and attempting to conceal the laser gun in his uniform, which he cradled in his arms. "Ready as you are, old man," he said.

Uncle saw the gun. "HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU, MAGIC MUST DEFEAT MAGIC!" He whacked the starship captain between the eyes. "YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN!" he added for good measure.

Zapp and Jade rolled their eyes, and Zapp threw the gun on the floor, not completely mollified. Uncle apperaed content, so he decided to leave the room and brew some green tea. It had been a good twenty minutes since his last cup, so the enlderly man was growing cranky from withdrawal.

"I don't care if Jackie's gonna be mad at me or not; I'm still gonna take pictures of this fight," announced Jade, loading film into her camera.

"Say, Jade, could you get the places I can't reach?" asked a voice. Jade whirled around and dropped the camera. A flash went off. Zapp was now completely naked. "Since Kif's not here, you're the next closest thing."

Jade shuddered. "Damn you, Uncle…" she muttered. "Stupid chi spell has me looking at the fat man's wang!"

After the distressing favor was complete and the captain was preoccupied with stuffing himself into his uniform, Jade snuck off into the bathroom to wash her hands seven times and then to cover herself with the chi potion. She quickly stripped down to her bare skin, ripped off all her bandages (the bat bites had almost completely healed), hastily smeared the enchanted lotion on herself, then threw her clothes back on. Apocalymon drew nearer and nearer.

A few minutes prior to when Jade was ready to leave the restroom, Zapp had already stuffed himself back into his tunic (making the error of not wearing his girdle, which he said constricted him while he "fought"), as well as donned his white gloves and boots. He was attempting to fasten his belt when there was a knock on the door.

"Oh God… not know…" muttered the captain. "Keep your shirt on; I'm COMING!" he shouted. Doing what he usually did when he got dressed, Zapp sucked in his gut and held his breath, quickly fastening his belt. After he exhaled and his potbelly once again hung over his belt, he opened the door to see Apocalymon standing there. "We don't want any" he asserted, slamming the door in Apocalymon's face.

Apocalymon growled behind the door. As Zapp turned to walk away, there came more knocks at the door, this time harder and quicker.

Once again the captain answered the door to see a furious Apocalymon standing there, baring his teeth and growling. "Hey, I told you before, whatever it is you're selling, we don't want any!" Once again, the cyborg received the door slammed in his face.

Before Zapp could do anything else, Apocalymon pounded on the door so hard there were dents in the shape of his fist in various places. Zapp opened the door and sighed. "Man, your kind is persistent, isn't it?" he remarked.

Apocalymon pointed one of his tentacles, which he transformed into a positron firearm, directly at Zapp's head. "SHOW ME WHERE CHAN IS OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!" he threatened.

"Uh… Chan? Who's Chan? I… I don't know any Chan!" Zapp stammered as he looked at Apocalymon, gritting his teeth and perspiring.

"JACKIE Chan!" growled Apocalymon, cocking the gun. "And don't you play mind games with me—I know you work with him, ZAPP BRANNIGAN."

The DOOP captain's hair stood on end. "Uh… uh… m-my name isn't… eh… Zapp Brannigan… no, no… it's Zack… Flannigan! People always get us confused, you know. You want Captain Brannigan, who is… a very, very sexy man, by the way? Well… uh… his ship is… uh… in that direction!" He pointed in an arbitrary direction as Apocalymon gave him a funny look.

If Jade had not been in the room, Apocalymon would have left. She immediately realized that Apocalymon was at the door and ran towards Zapp. "ZAPP! ZAPP! CAPTAIN BRANNIGAN!" she screamed, then pulled on the skirt portion of the captain's tunic to get his attention. "Don't you know who that is? IT'S APOCALYMON! Jackie's friend Captain Black told you about him, remember?"

"I'm boned," muttered Zapp. His belt buckle popped open and ricocheted right into Apocalymon's forehead, directly between the eyes.

Like anyone who had a buckle lodged in their forehead would feel, Apocalymon was furious. He ripped it out, and the dent in his mask popped right back out. Before anyone could do anything, he took Zapp in his enormous hand and lifted him—all 225 pounds—outside and into the air with no effort.

"Cool…" breathed Jade, taking a picture.

"NO!" shouted Zapp, struggling to break free of Apocalymon's grip. "Don't… take…" The flash went off as another picture was taken. "GAAAAAH!" He kicked as if he were running wildly in the air, then the cyborg flew off the ground. Jade saw that Apocalymon in his entirety was the body of a cyborg attached to what looked like a many-sided box with ninja stars sticking out of it, and took another picture. She looked around to see if the coast was clear, then leapt out the door and landed like a cat on the surface of the moon.

Uncle returned shortly afterwards, calm from sipping on a much-needed cup of green tea. He held the porcelain teacup and saucer in one hand. "Jade, has Captain Brannigan gone out to search for Apocalymon?" he asked tranquilly. "Jade? Jade?" Uncle looked around, then screamed when he saw that there was no sign of Jade or the chi lotin. "AAAAAAAIYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the sage screamed as he dropped both pieces of china on the ground. Both fixed themselves. Uncle sprinted to the window and plastered his face against the glass, only to see Jade chasing Apocalymon, stopping to take pictures once in a while. "JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE!"

* * *

Back on Earth, the group had gathered in the parking garage where the ship had been previously, only to see it was still missing.

"I swear this is where we left it," said Leela. "How come they're not back from the moon yet?"

"BECAUSE UNCLE CANNOT DRIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!" squealed a familiar voice. Fry, Leela, and Bender frantically swished their heads around, searching for Uncle. Zoidberg drooled, fantasizing himself stuffing himself with his weight in prawns. Professor Farnsworth closed his eyes behind his glasses and crossed his arms, not wanting anything to do with that man. Jackie said nothing; he pointed to a white mist that formed in front of another ship. The mist turned into a transparent hologram of Uncle's head.

"Uncle? Are you still on the moon?" wondered Jackie.

A trail of mist whacked the archaeologist between the eyes, and everyone knew that it was Uncle. "OF COURSE UNCLE IS STILL ON THE MOON!" he shouted. "I CANNOT DRIVE A SPACESHIIIIIP!"

"Did you bring prawns?" Zoidberg asked hopefully.

Uncle forced the mist to whack the lobster between the eyes, causing Zoidberg to whoop and brush his face with his claws, a la Curly the stooge.

"WHAT DOES UNCLE NEED PRAWNS FOR?" squawked Uncle. "PRAWNS NOT SUITABLE FOR BRINGING BACK JADE!"

Jackie turned a shade of grey with green undertones, and he looked as if he had an upset stomach. "Jade?" he asked silently. "…What about Jade?"

"Jade run off with Captain Brannigan!" replied Uncle. "He veeeery bad influence!"

"HA!" spat the professor. "She was trying to get away from YOU! Even Zapp Brannigan would make a better uncle than YOU, and he's no uncle."

"I'm an uncle!" volunteered Fry, but that only got him a dirty glare from the professor.

Uncle wrinkled his nose at Professor Farnsworth, who stuck his tongue back out at his rival. Then he turned back to the group of people he could tolerate, i.e. Jackie and Leela. "Jade has run off with Captain Brannigan, and they are BOTH in the presence of Apocalymon!"

"What do you want us to do?" wondered Fry.

"GO TO THE MOON AND SAVE JADE! …As for Captain Brannigan, I do not really care." Uncle's head disappeared into wisps of white mist, which dissolved in seconds.

Leela looked around the parking garage. "Well, how are we gonna get there?"

Bender puffed on a cigar and glared at Leela as if she were incredible dimwitted. "You're forgettin' something very important, pork pocket." He put his hands around Leela's head and turned it so she was looking at every spaceship in the parking garage. "There's a million ships here, and they're all ours for the taking!"

Jackie gulped. "You mean we're going to…" he dropped his voice to a whisper, as if the word he was going to say next was a swear word, "…steal them?"

" 'Steal' is such a harsh word," disproved Bender, putting an arm around Jackie. "I prefer the term 'borrow and bringitbacklaterthankyooooou!' Eh? Eh?" The robot elbowed him a couple of times.

Jackie backed away. "No way," he asserted. "Do you people not have morals? I know Jade is in danger, but I am NOT about to steal a car in order to—" Jackie saw the crew members approach a tan spaceship that was larger than the Planet Express ship. "Oh, monkey trumpets!" He repeated what he had heard Kif utter once, joining the others.

"So how are we gonna get the ship started?" wondered Fry. "And how are we gonna get in? Wait… anyone got a coat hanger?"

"I have an old tube of lipstick," volunteered Leela. "Is that close enough?"

Bender opened his chest cabinet and took out a goldfish bowl, a painting of the Mona Lisa with a mustache on it, another goldfish bowl, and a toaster before he found what he was looking for: a key on a necklace. "Behold!" he declared. "The key that opens anything and everything, and a whole lot more!"

"How did you get it?" wondered Leela, her eye wide.

"I swiped it from Smitty and URL while they were hugging," replied the robot. "Heh heh heh. And that's also how I swiped this!" He held up a picture of URL lying in a pornographic position in a jungle setting, wearing nothing but a loincloth. Most of his circuits were showing. On the bottom it said, _To Smitty, XXOO_.

"EW!" squealed Fry and Leela. Jackie appeared confused, and Zoidberg thought, _A friend is showing me a picture!_

Bender stuffed the picture back in his chest compartment, planning to blackmail URL with it later, and used the magic key to open the door to the ship. The door opened, and everyone boarded it. Bender once again used the key to start the ship, and Leela assumed her position at the steering wheel. A few seconds later, the spaceship crashed through the ceiling of the parking garage and hurtled straight towards the moon.

* * *

Back on the moon, things did not look good for Zapp as he fought against Apocalymon. Luckily, the captain knew he had the talismans with him. It was apparent when the cyborg squeezed him so tightly, a normal man would have been crushed to death. There was a cracking noise, and all Zapp had done was force his arms out. (The talismans were redundant anyway—his fat gave him protection, while a skinnier man would have been compressed to death after his ribs cracked.)

"That's odd…" mused Apocalymon. "I have cracked ribs with this grip before, and all other men have died!"

By that time, Zapp had plled his right arm completely out of Apocalymon's grip, and he reached for the laser gun that he kept in a belt around his left leg in case of emergency. He kicked and struggled to remove his left boot as the cyborg squeezed him tighter.

Meanwhile, on Luna Park, Mayor Poopenmeyer was about to declare that Fun Day had officially begun when he took a glance through one of the portholes on the wall. He said, "Today, at Luna Park, I officially declare today WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??!!" He pointed to what he saw through the porthole: the starship captain and the demon fighting. Visitors, though bewildered, rushed over to the windows to see what was happening.

"Sweet!" exclaimed Jade. "May, I'm gonna LOVE putting these on my bedroom wall!" She took another picture of Apocalymon compressing Zapp so tightly, his eyes bulged out of their sockets and his face grew redder than his uniform.

"Please… take pity on me!" pleaded Zapp. "I've never fought anyone in hand-to-body combat before!"

The flash going off distracted Apocalymon as he was about to crush the captain once and for all. He glared at Jade from above his bodily pedestal. Though the humaniod portion of his body was the same height as Myotismon, his appendage made him nearly five times his original height. Jade backed away and trembled. "Uh… I like taking pictures of stuff?" she admitted.

All of a sudden, Zapp did the first courageous action in battle he had ever done by reaching for his gun and pointing it directly at Apocalymon's face. "Hasta la vista, digi," he announced, switching the setting of the laser from "Stun" to "Kill" to "Hyperdeath™." Without another word, he blasted the cyborg directly in the part of the face that was not covered by his mask. Stunned by the blow, Apocalymon dropped Zapp, and both fell (or fainted) into the ground below. The crowd inside Luna Park applauded, but then were distracted by the grand opening of a flume ride. Needless to say, no one but Jade and Myotismon witnessed what would happen next to Zapp.

A few seconds later, the captain stood up. Though flustered that his uniform was now covered in silver moondust, he maintained what little dignity he had and searched for the vial of chi potion. Jade took it out of her sweatshirt pocket and handed it to him without saying a word. Myotismon glanced around the edge of the dome and knew his time had come. He gracefully floated though the air, accompanied by a flock of bats.

"No need to thank me, Jade," boasted Zapp. "I saved your butt, and not like those superheroes you see on TV, those poseurs." (He pronounced it pow-SEE-ers) He uncorked a vial, and a green mist surrounded Apocalymon. After the ritual of opening the gate had been completed, Zapp continued his sermon on how to be a hero. Jade, who had fixed her attention on Apocalymon getting sucked into the gate, saw Myotismon and began to point in his direction. "It's like I wrote in my best-selling writing, _Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War_." He took out a pocket-sized, paperback version of his book. "'Fighting always comes first, so wave the witty comments for the coffee-table discussion after-' WHAT THE—"

"Excellent idea, Brannigan!" acknowledged Myotismon, brandishing a whip of his Crimson Lightning. "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" He hit the book and left a singed rip in the cover.

"MY BOOK!" shouted Zapp. "It's… ruined! You BASTARD!"

"The cover's only torn a bit," Jade pointed out, obviously not caring.

"SO?! It was the first book I ever read… completely!"

"CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" This time, it hit the humans. Everything occurred slowly and fluidly, almost like a dream. As the last of Apocalymon disappeared through the gate, the vampire slashed the atmosphere with his Crimson Lightning, and then the two heroes felt as if a giant hand were pushing them in towards the gate as the whip of lightning hit them. All of a sudden, time sped up, and Zapp and Jade were both sucked into the gate with Apocalymon, like two specks of dirt into a vacuum cleaner. The gate closed, leaving no remaines behind except Jade's Melvin camrea and Zapp's left boot. Myotismon chuckled to himself, swished his cape around himself, then disappeared into its folds. The cape itself dissolved into the night.

A few minutes passed, and the ship carrying the other heroes had landed. Jackie had donned a spacesuit he found in the trunk, then stepped into the airlock. The airlock opened, and he bounced onto the surface of the moon for the first time. When he saw Jade's camera and that gaudy cartoon moose on it grinning like nothing had happened, Jackie began to cry. "She's gone…" he murmured.

"At least Zapp's gone too," added Leela, who had worn the other spacesuit. She picked up the white boot in disgust. "Smells to me like I'm not the ONLY one with sweaty boot rash."

"THEY ARE NOT GONE!" ecvlaimed the familiar voice of Uncle, who emitted the same crimseon glow on Myo, Zapp, and Jade. "They had fought Apocalymon, and Myotismon threw them into the gate! THEY ARE IN THE DIGITAL WOOOORRRRRLD!" Uncle held out his hands; the Dog Talisman was in his left hand, the Dragon Talisman sat in his right. "AND CAPTAIN BRANNIGAN FORGOT THE TAAAAAAALISMANS!!!" Uncle collapsed slowly onto the ground, as if his backbone had just been pulled from his body.

* * *

Meanwhile, there would be a new danger in the Digital World. A spiral-shaped mountain that appeared like the forest, land, and ocean had been elongated and entwined together to form a landform that had the same appearance as a soft-serve ice-cream cone protruded above a desert that had once been a lush rainforest. Only a few patches of green plants and colored flowers remained. Dust scattered as the two heroes fell from the gate in the sky and tumbled to the ground ten feet up the mountain.

Jade rubbed her head as she sat up. "Oh man… that was better than any ride at Melvin World! They should have a ride like this!" She paused and gazed at her surroundings. "Where are we, anyway?"

"Beats me," replied Zapp, who was in a strange position on the ground. He managed to untangle himself and sat down on a rock. "This whole region is uncharted. And don't say I lost the chart!" He pointed at Jade.

Jade pouted and stared at the dust that covered her sneakers. "This sucks. I don't know where we are, and I don't even think there's any other humans around here for miles!"

Zapp nudged her and smiled seductively. "Perhaps you and I could repopulate the human race… but not until you hit puberty, am I right? How old are you, anyway?"

Jade stuck out her tongue at him.

"How can I survive without the infinite love between a man and a woman, not to mention the even stronger bond between a man and his girdle?" He had noticed that his uniform had ripped and his bare stomach showed.

Jade made a face. "You're fat."

"More of me to worship, baby!" exclaimed Zapp.

"Humans? In my world?" echoed an arrogant-sounding female voice. The voice switched from arrogant to grateful. "Thank Azulongmon that you finally arrived!" Both of them turned their heads upward to see a dark figure obscured against the white sky surrounding it. As it swooped downward and flew closer to the trees, both could see that the "it" was a "she," and the "she" was an angel with six wings. The angel landed on the ground, and the others (even Jade) could see that she was a comely angel with rosy pink skin, shimmering blonde hair, and a buxom figure that Zapp found irresistible. (It did not do her justice that her white bodysuit was extremely tight and showed more skin than it covered.)

Seeing that a woman was in his presence, Zapp sucked in his gut (still quite futile due to the lack of a girdle) and approached the angel. "I am presigious DOOP captain Zapp Brannigan, or should I say, pleased to meet you?" He knelt before the angel and kissed her ungloved hand. She drew it away.

Angewomon chose to ignore him; she knew who was the proper lover for her. "Do you need help?" she asked them both. _That Zapp character needs some psychiatric help, as I can plainly see._

"Not anymore, baby!" Zapp advanced on the angel and leapt on her as if to kiss her. She jumped out of the way in the nick of time, and he tumbled down the side of the mountain. Angewomon and Jade did nothing but stare. Finally, the captain hit the desert below. "I could… sure… use the help now," he said weakly.

"My name is Angewomon," the angel introduced herself to Jade. "I am the Digital Angel of Light and the only angel who remains on the safe side of the wall of fire. Not even my lover, Angemon, is here to give me the infinite companionship I desire now. This world is so desolate… so alone…" Behind her helmet, tears welled up in her eyes.

"What happened?" wondered Jade, her eyes wide.

Angewomon sniffed the tears back and smiled at Jade. "Well… on Earth, one minute of your time is the equivalent of one day of ours because time passes much quicker here. Within the time the Digi-Demons have been sealed in the gate, it happened so quickly, the angels were under-prepared and overwhelmed… they fought all the Digi-Demons at once… but not MetalSeadramon, for he's just… vanished." Her voice suddenly became sharp, as opposed to gentle. "Stop that," she added to Zapp, who had climbed back up the mountain and was staring at her cleavage. She slapped him, but he continued staring.

"You know, Angela, I can honestly say I have not seen any angel with boobies more attractiver than yours," said Zapp.

"Will you get off me quietly, or will I have to resort to forcing you off?"

"We'll see, AFTER we go to your room and have some sexfully sexilicious sexcapades! That's having sex, you know!" The captain winked at the angel, who looked disgusted. "You know, I bet angels are the greatest makers of love there are, except for me. Judging by how you look, I bet you're the greatest of all."

Angewomon elbowed him in the stomach, and he doubled over. She stooped down to continue her story to Jade. "Back to our story… Piedmon, who is the second most powerful Digi-Demons (the most powerful being…)" she suddered, "(…Myotismon…), defeated every last angel with a blow of his mighty Clown Trick and Trump Swords."

"But where were you?" wondered Jade.

"Angemon… took a blow for me…" Angewomon felt her voice choke up. "I don't remember… that much… he said, 'Angewomon, I can take him… you just fly away…' I argued, 'No, you can't…", he said, 'Yes, I will…" The last I remember of him was the Trump Sword thrusted directly into his heart…" She broke down into tears and fell to her knees.

"Will some… sexual consolation help you forget?" It was obvious who made that remark.

"It's OK," Jade assured the angel, patting her back. "You'll find other angels…"

"If only I had my white thong and rocket-powered wings and glow-in-the-dark halo, if ONLY!" exclaimed Zapp.

After Angewomon's recovery, darkness had fallen over Spiral Mountain. She flew up the side of the mountain, holding Jade in her arms like a mother carries a child. A Pegasusmon had been summoned for Zapp, much to his displeasure. Angewomon resumed her explanation, attempting to steer clear of thoughts of Angemon. "After… my people had been locked away behind the Wall of Fire, Piedmon sculpted the terrain into this mountain. By hiding amongst the clouds for three days, then inside the belly of my good friend Whamon for two weeks—don't worry; the oceans were not watched by MetalSeadramon, and angels need not eat as long as there is good in the Digital World. Whamon's kindness was all I needed to survive—I have managed to escape the cruelty and capture of my enemies. Soon, they gave up trying to find me, so I left the protection of my friend and went in search of the chosen ones explained by the prophecy."

Jade's eyes lit up. "The chosen ones?"

"The Digi-Demons reside in a castle atop the summit of the mountain," explained Angewomon. "You and Zapp are the only ones who can enter; the dark chi surrounding the castle creates a barrier—a force field, if you will—that does not allow angels to pass through. Humans are immune to it; Digimon are not."

Angewomon landed gracefully on the top and gently set Jade on the ground. Pegasusmon, on the other hand, bucked Zapp off its back, and he landed on the ground with a thud. Angewomon turned to Jade, averting her eyes from the starship captain, and continued explaining. "We are at the palace, which the one angel who still remains cannot enter. I already explained your task."

"What about the angels on the other side of the wall?" asked Jade. "Or will we have to get more angels?"

"And I know how," hinted Zapp. He winked at the angel, who immediately turned her head away.

"And why do we have to go inside?" continued Jade.

"Because," said Angewomon, "legend has told us of the unleashing of the Digi-Demons after their five-hundred-year confinement behind the Wall of Fire. When the demons were released, eight portals that connected the real and digital worlds had been re-opened. When you and your team of heroes remitted them back to the digital world, they each re-entered through the gates, which sealed. Only the Digi-Demons are aware of the whereabouts of the eighth and final portal. Your job is to seal the portal before they return through it from the Digital World. The entire universe is counting on you to locate the portal by any means necessary."

"So… you want us to eavesdrop, then?" wondered Jade.

"Absolutely," replied Angewomon. "Oh, and… uh… if you can, tell HIM that I'll go out with him when Pigmons don't fly! Which they do! Which is all the time!" She cast a glance over at Zapp, who waved at her and winked again. The Pegasusmon deliberately ran into him and shoved him to the ground, headfirst. "Good luck, and if you need help, Jade, just summon me!" She and Pegasusmon flew off into the distance.

Jade and Zapp climbed the stone staircase embedded into the summit of the mountain. The stone castle loomed above them, and although its gaudy flags that decked it claimed differentl, the castle was, in fact, sinister and the headquarters of evil. When they reached the wooden double doors, they both saw the golden door-knockers attacked to them. The knockers were in the shape of bats' heads with gold collars around their necks.

"Let's just go in," said Zapp, banging the gold collar against the door.

"NO!" shouted Jade, hearing muffled shouts and steps approaching them. She pushed the captain into a nearby shrubbery, and she followed. Since it was night, she hoped they would not be seen. Both of the humans crouhced within the leaves just before all six remaining Digi-Demons stepped out.

Piedmon glanced around as he stepped down the stairs. He clutched a glass half full of wine in one hand. "Methinks I saw a trespasser, and unwanted guest. Master Shakespeare said it best about—"

Devimon sharply elbowed his elder brother, who doubled over. "Cut the theater crap and look for them." The demon sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I can smell cologne. Strong cologne."

Zapp gritted his teeth from embarrassment.

LadyDevimon glared at Piedmon. "How do we know it doesn't belong to It over there?" she remarked, pointing at the harlequin.

Piedmon grew enraged. "How DARE you compare me to that… that…" Piedmon racked his brain in order to find a suitable name to call the fictional clown, but none came to mind. Luckily for him, LadyDevimon cut him off.

"Well, you say you're a mon, Piedmon, but you act more like a WOMON, if you know what I mean. Your gender is so ambiguous that you're no longer a He, but more of an It."

"Are you implying that I'm GAY?!"

"If the closet fits…"

Before the match of wits could turn into a violent brawl, Puppetmon, the youngest and most immature Digi-Demon, screamed, "SHADDUP!" A pause followed, and a rustle in the bushes could be heard. "I think I hear something in the bushes." His eyes grew wide with hope. "Do you think it's a friend for me to play with?"

"Get real, Pinocchio," retorted LadyDevimon. "It's probably just the wind. Anyway, someone had better go down there and check, anyway, in case someone is eavesdropping on us."

"Can we make them my friend?" asked the marionette Digimon. "I wanna play with dolls, and Piedmon won't play with me anymore!"

The clown glared at the puppet. "Get Barbie some new clothes, and then I'll play dolls! I'm TIRED of dressing her up in the same old mismatched outfits!"

"Then will you play tiddlywinks with me instead?"

"No."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"

LadyDevimon scooped Puppetmon up. "All right, it's beddy-bye time." She carried him into the castle, Puppetmon still crying. Jade could hear her rapid heartbeat if not for Zapp stifling a laugh.

As Devimon, Piedmon, and Apocalymon scanned the shrubbery for any signs of movement, Etemon had other plans. "YEAH!" he mouthed in a voice that sounded like Elvis Presley's. "Nuh uh, they can't find out the lo-ca-tion of the eighth portal, no sir-ee…" He broke out into his own off-key version of "Heartbreak Hotel." "OOOOHHHHH, since Myotismon betrayed us/ We gonna find our way back as well/ If someone found the portal before us/ We'll be in our own Heartbreak Hotel… uh huh huh… it's inside the castle, baby/ It's inside the castle/ It's inside the castle, but it's closed. WEEEEELLLLLLLLL, we don't know who it'll open/ But Chan's team of chumps sure do/ They'll open the ga-ate for us—"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" shouted Devimon and Apocalymon.

Apocalymon quietly added, "When's the pizza gonna arrive?"

"Inside the castle, eh?" a shrub seemed to say. Making a drastic error, Zapp stood up, covered with leaves. He thrust a finger at the group and exclaimed, "Well well well, you Digi-Demons, you've just made a HUGE mistake!" He changed from threatening to friendly. "I will stay for the pizza, though." Jade gawked at him, and Piedmon advanced on him. "I'm boned…"

"I'll handle THIS man," the jester told his brother, sister-in-law, and acquaintance. "TRUMP SWORDS!" He slashed his swords through the air, missing Zapp by inches.

"It's every man for himself!" Zapp tried to scramble onto the staircase. "Save yourself, Jade!"

"Will do, Captain Brannigan!" Jade had already made it into the main hall of the castle.

"What the—D'OH!" The starship captain smacked his forehead, but made it onto the stairs just as Piedmon tossed his enchanted handkerchief in his direction. After he dashed inside, he shut the door and placed one of Piedmon's parasols between its handles. The thuds of the Digi-Demons attempting entry could be heard as Zapp caught his breath, then headed up the stairs to follow Jade.

"What are we gonna do now?" wondered the black-haired girl.

"EVIL WING!"

There was a bang, and the doors crashed down onto the floor.

There was no need to think. "RUN!" Jade and Zapp both shoute. Jade sprinted down the upstairs hall, but Zapp took a slower approach. The Digi-Demons took their time, even when joined by LadyDevimon and Puppetmon; they knew it would be simple to destroy him.

"In here!" Jade motioned to a doorway at the end of the hall.

"Can't I just hide somewhere else?" moaned Zapp, whose years of "light" dinners and lounging around in his captain's chair made him out of shape. A Darkness Wave attack caused him to dash into the room Jade hid in.

The spunky girl had chosen that room for a plausible reason. As Puppetmon's shouts of "Ollie ollie enfree!" grew closer and closer, they both realized that there was a portal similar to the one Myotismon had utilized to travel to Earth. This time, it emitted a multicolored beam of light and an obscure figure materialized. Both humans appeared frightened until they realized the figure belonged to…

"DR. ZOIDBERG!" they both exclaimed.

The door banged open, and all six Digi-Demons stood in the doorway, prepared to attack.

Zoidberg was prepared; he pointed the Monkey Talisman in their direction, and Jade pushed Zapp out of the way for the second time. "MAKE THEM PRAWNS! Big ones this time!" commanded Zoidberg. The talisman glowed, a beam of light shot out of it, and a second later, six prawns wriggled where the Digi-Demons once stood. Zoidberg dropped the talisman and pounced on them, voraciously gobbling every last one of them up. Jade and Zapp glanced quizzically at each other.

"Delicious, they were," said the lobster, slurping his mouth flaps in delight. "I haven't had a meal like this since ever!"

"How did you get here?" inquired Jade.

"I got here through the computer. My best friend, the professor, opened the portal, he did."

"Ohmigod, the portal's closing!" exclaimed Jade. "Quick!" For the third time, she shoved Zapp out of the way, only this time it was directly into the portal. Jade jumped through as well. Both re-entered in the Planet Express ship.

Only Zoidberg remained behind. "Hooray!" he exclaimed to no one in particular. "Zoidberg saved the day with friends!" He scuttled into the portal just before it closed. The Monkey Talisman still lay on the floor, then disintegrated into dust.

* * *

To be continued…


	14. Prophecy Again

A/N: I apologize for the prolongued absence on this beast. First, I forgot to save these last two chapters when I finished them, much to my horror when I uploaded them on FFN. Then I spent the last half of 2004 either stressed out from my Advanced Placement classes or sick. (Yes, this is true—I frequently got sick in September and October, and then I was very ill for two more months. Luckily I did my homework and maintained a 4.0 for the year.) Fortunately, I had these finished chapters printed out and just have to copy them back onto the computer. Take pleasure in this chapter, and take care! If it doesn't please you, then ignore that last part. Do take care, though.

By the way, has anyone else seen the new season of JCA? I don't think it's as good as the first season, but it does have its high points.

ONE MORE THING! Try to spot the reference to fan fiction authors in this chapter!

* * *

Chapter 14

Prophecy Again

The Planet Express ship had landed in the same parking hangar in Tokyo, followed by the one that the crew had "borrowed" to get to the moon in (Bender piloting, of course.) Inside the Planet Express ship, Zapp stared at his reflection in a floor-length mirror that had suddenly appeared and smoothed out his third velour uniform. Then he patted his hair and toupée, ensuring that every strand was in place. Leela coughed in disgust as she watched the captain's every move.

"Geez, haven't you stared at your reflection long enough?" the cyclops complained as the blonde wiped a speck of dust off his tunic. "You know, some of us who are actually good-looking want to use this mirror too!"

"Hello!" exclaimed Zoidberg, waving at Leela and his reflection in the mirror.

"Obviously you've never read _Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War_ or its convenient paperback version for easy reference on the battlefield," retaliated the captain. "Then you'd know Rule #1: A captain is only as good as his looks."

Leela snorted.

"Hey, he's got a point," Fry pointed out, paging through the paperback book that explained war from Zapp's point of view. "Check this one out! Rule #7: Sleep around with a woman and the men will folllow—AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Fry's rave review was cut short as Leela leapt on him and began to strangle him and shake him with every word she said. "HOW— DARE— YOU— READ— THAT— FILTHY— LOWBROW— GARBAGE—"

"You're… crushing my… epiglottis!" exclaimed Fry in a raspy voice that made him sound like he had been smoking all his life.

"Good!" retorted Leela.

Finally satisfied with his looks, Zapp whirled around with an air of self-confidence and gave Fry the thumbs-up.

"Help me…Zapp!" Now Fry's voice had almost completely left him, with nothing but air.

"I'm sorry, Fry, but you've forgotten about Rule #134—"

"GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE!" The unmistakable announcement of Professor Farnsworth caused everyone to quit whatever they were doing and to brace themselves for the next task the professor would place upon them. Zoidberg was the only one who did not listen; he was busy admiring his reflection and looking for any food debris on his mouth flaps. Even Uncle paid close attention to find a reason— plausible or not— to bash the professor. Professor Farnsworth had just entered the ship, carrying a cardboard box labeled "CAUTION!", "DANGER", "KEEP OUT AND I MEAN IT", and an upside down "THIS END UP" with an arrow.

"Eh… good news, everyone," Farnsworth repeated, taking out what looked like a razor blade and pushing a button. A laser beam broke the packaging tape and opened the package. The professor held up an unidentifiable piece of lustrous metal that was dotted with flashy buttons and what appeared to be a timer, then he grinned maniacally. "I have invented doomsday devices for all of you to use against Myotismon."

Fry and Leela, forgetting about their spat, murmured something positive to each other. Zapp grinned even wider than before and rubbed his hands together as if he were executing an evil plot. Jade leaned intently towards the professor, not even bothering to blink. Even Jackie cracked a smile at the idea.

Uncle stormed around the room, whacking everyone who had given a positive reaction to this (including Jackie) between the eyes. The professor was whacked twice. Uncle screamed, "DO YOU PEOPLE ALL HAVE MUNG BEANS FOR BRAAAAINS! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU THAT _MAGIC MUST DEFEAT MAGIC_!"

"BULL HONKY!" retaliated the professor, marching up to Uncle and about to give him another piece of his mind. "Everyone knows that the true way of defeating evil is with your OWN TWO HANDS!"

"The only way is MAGIC!" argued Uncle, putting his face so close to Farnsworth's their noses were touching.

"HANDS!"

"MAGIC!"

"HANDS!"

"YOU WANT A PIECE OF UNCLLLLLLLLLE?"

"BRING IT ON, OLD MAN!"

Uncle lightly tapped the professor's beaky nose, and blood trickled out of both nostrils.

"…ow." Farnsworth held his nose and headed for the restroom.

At that point, Bender had entered the ship. "Things don't look good, meatbags."

Leela gasped and looked out the window. The sky had turned jet-black with flashes of bright red lightning going off every two seconds, and everything twenty-five feet above the ground and under was engulfed in fog. A flock of bats flew through the air, just brushing past the window of the ship. "My God, you're right, Bender! Tokyo's been Myotis-Modified!"

"What'cha talkin' about, fleshwad?" debated the robot. "I just got a summons for borrowin' that ship back there." He pointed in the direction of a Japanese family (two parents, twelve children, three grandchildren, and an elderly woman) brooding over the ship which Bender had crashed. Then the robot took a crumpled document out of his chest cavity and showed it to the others. "My court hearing's tomorrow. By the way, if any of you have bail money, let me know so I can swipe it from ya."

The small-screen television that hung from the delivery ship's ceiling flickered on with a quick, staticky noise. Myotismon's face appeared on the screen, and instead of furious and threatening, he appeared triumphant and somewhat cocky.

"Foolish humans!" exclaimed the vampire, directing his comment at Jackie in particular. "Your militia has tried to defeat me, but with severe failure. Your precious D.O.O.P. captain seems to have skipped town, and your President's head has been severed and placed in a jar… someone's ironically beaten me to him."

Meanwhile, in Washington, DC, Richard Nixon's head glared at the vampire on his TV screen. "I chose this lifestyle a thousand years ago, you mutant Neptunian crossbred fang-faced hippie!"

Back in the hangar in Tokyo…

"Within twelve hours, your world will be mine! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Myotismon's face disappeared, and the screen reverted to black.

"Well, we're boned," muttered Bender. "If anyone needs me, I'll be transferrin' our illegal drugs to a more secure safe."

Leela's eye widened. "What illegal drugs?"

"I didn't say 'illegal drugs,'" argued Bender. "Now if you excuse me, there's some illegal drugs that need to be moved." He swaggered towards the neares door, but not before Leela punched a button on the control panel that caused all doors to slam shut. "Hey, what gives, eyeball?"

"Not this time, Bender," asserterd the cyclops, folding her arms across her chest. "Sure, we can stand here and take it like the French stereotypes, but does cowardice truly come in handy this time? Sure, we can run away from our troubles, but the problem is we're eventually going to run out of places to hide. We're just gonna get kicked out of every one like the professor got kicked out of every Sexatorium in the solar system."

"Don't forget me!" Fry chimed in.

"Yes, Fry. The point is, running away is a good thing, but it's not going to defeat Myotismon. Unless we tire him out by having him chase after us on foot. But the problem is, he's in so much better shape than all of us, plus he can fly, so that's kind of futile. We have to fight him. Now are we gonna die like men, or are we gonna die like macho men? Who's with me?"

There was silence, then the sound of a cricket chirping. Everyone glared at Zoidberg, who was looking in the mirror and holding a tub of Silverstein's Shell Shellac. Every time Zoidberg rubbed it onto his head, the chirping sound was made.

"What, can't a lobster look good without getting glared at?" He rubbed more polish onto his head, which now reflected light. Leela swiped the tub and the rag from Zoidberg and hurled them into the nearest wastebasket. The lobster groaned.

"I'm with you, Leela!" Zapp exclaimed, putting an arm around the cyclops. "I'll be at your side day and night. But mustly by night, if you know what I—"

His sentence was cut short as leela elbowed him in the stomach. "Anyone who actually MATTERS with me?"

"Me! Mememememememe!" Fry volunteered, jumping up and down. "I matter, don't I, Leela?" He stopped jumping, looking confused. "Uh… what am I volunteering for again?"

"Fighting Myotismon," replied Leela.

"Count me out!" asserted Fry. "I'm no idiot. Now where did I put my poison ivy collection… uh oh." He clawed at the seat of his pants, sweating and making a face. "Someone help me out here!"

* * *

The Planet Express ship landed in New New York a few minutes later, and the meteorological conditions were no better than those in Tokyo; if anything, they were more severe there. There was a high gust of wind that made it quite difficult for the ship to land inside the hangar, but they managed to enter safely. The force field was once again activated, but still chi-free.

"No CHI! You dress up building like a knight in shining armor but you give it NO CHI SPELL TO WARD OFF EVIL!" Uncle whined as they entered the conference room. No one seemed to notice that Jade was missing. "YOU ARE BIGGEST IDIOT UNCLE HAS EVER MET!" he snapped at Professor Farnsworth.

"Even a bigger idiot than me?" wondered Fry, who was rubbing calamine lotion on and between his buttocks.

"YES!" squawked the chi master. "AND USE HORSE TALISMAN NEXT TIME! JACKIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Jackie sighed. "Right on it, Uncle." He gave it to Fry and said, "Ah-choo." Fry's rash disappeared in a second.

Fry was amazed. "Thanks, Jackster! How'd you do it?"

Jackie tried to explain. "Well, the powers of the Horse Talisman—"

"Thirty-first-century medicine. Got it."

"So… uh… do you have a cure for Amy yet?" wondered Kif, who refused to leave Amy's side as she lay on the couch. "Because… uh… if you… er… don't mind, that is to say—"

"Kif, don't bother Uncle with stupid questions," interrupted Zapp. He turned to Uncle. "Say… uh… Uncle, do you have a chi spell that can help you get some with the ladies? And is there another chi spell that can help you lose seventy-five pounds in a week? Eh… because a… a… a friend of mind is really impotent, see, and he has to wear a girdle… come to think of it, he also has a very small wang, so could you find a—"

"WHAT DOES UNCLE LOOK LIKE TO YOU, THIS BOOK OF SPELLLLLLS!" He hurled the book at the captain so hard, Zapp fell to the floor.

As Zapp paged through the book of chi spells, the big-screen videophone flickered on, and everyone gasped. Standing somewhere in New New York, in his full vampiric glory, was Myotismon.

"Uncle is not afraid of you!" exclaimed Uncle belligerently, making fists and punching the air.

"What do you want with us?" asked Leela.

"It's not what I want from you…" replied the vampire. "It's what I want from HER." The camera panned over to the right, and it showed that Myotismon was standing on top of the Planet Express building. Still, that shocker would only pale in comparison to what was floating above it. Jade, her mouth open in shock and her eyes closed, hovered in the air surrounded by a black glow. A filmy, white fog slowly filtered through her mouth and into Myotismon's chest. It was as if history had repeated itself with Amy, only this time, Jade had grown so pallid her skin was nearly transparent, and her blood vessels were sticking out of her skin and tearing at various points, blood gushing out of them.

"JADE!" cried Jackie. He ran up to the screen. "YOU MONSTER!"

"DIGITAL monster," Myotismon corrected Jackie. "Well well well, Chan, it seems as if your nightmare has come true. And look, it appears you've brought your little friends along to watch you suffer as your niece perishes." He chuckled. "Tell them that you're next." The screen went black once again.

Jackie gasped and turned a shade of pale that no one had ever witnessed in him before—a combination of white, grey, and green. In a daze, he sat down on one of the chairs. He was rendered speechless. Finally he gulped and managed to croak, "…Bad day…"

"Jackie, he's on top of the building as we speak!" Leela pointed out. "We can still save Jade before it's too late! Here, take my Ox Talisman. Hell, take ALL the talismans!" She dumped the remaining eleven talismans onto Jackie's lap; Jackie still did nothing.

"What's the point?" he asked quietly, his voice quavering. "W… what's the point when you're nothing but a run-of-the-mill cartoon character, a bunch of lines and paint? You heard me, Uncle, a CARTOON CHARACTER!" His voice grew so silent, it made Kif sound like Zapp. "I've never been able to keep an eye on Jade. I've always let it go, just this once, one more time can't hurt… and now she's about to die and it's all my fault. I can't go up there in time… as far as I'm concerned, this whole stupid scenario wouldn't have occurred if not for me. I mean, everything… I should never have dragged you guys into this."

"You? Drag us?" argued Leela. "We chose to go over to you!"

"Yeah, but if it hadn't been for me, Jade would still be alive."

Leela put her hands on Jackie's. "Look at me in the eye, Jackie. Look me in the single eye. Listen, it couldn't be helped. You tried to stop Jade. She has a tendency to find loopholes, even if you double-check your rules for flaws. This is Jade's fault, not yours. She chose to come along with you. Plus, it was Myotismon's fault as well—I have no idea how he got Jade out of the ship when she was clearly inside it. But you know what, Jackie? Who found the Pan-Ku Box and fought fifty Shadow Con to get it back? Who thought quickly and tossed me the Pig Talisman, in turn leaving the Dark Hand members vulnerable and easily getting them arrested? Who survived his own hellish Dark Ocean and conquered his own low self-esteem to save everyone else? It was you, Jackie. Not me, not Fry, definitely not Zoidberg, but YOU. And you know what? If you can't do it for Jade, then there's quadrillions of other organisms who are counting on you to defend them. You may not believe in yourself, but I believe in you." She stared into Jackie's dark eyes, and suddenly their lips met.

Jackie's cheeks turned bright pink, and he stood up and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. "Leela… you.. you… opened my eyes. I may be a cartoon character in your universe, but I still have the strength of a real flesh-and-blood human being. Maybe I am a human being, but just from a different universe."

"And who knows?" added Leela, lost in Jackie's eyes. "Maybe we are all fictional characters to people in some other crazy dimension out there…"

"If we are, then I don't want to hear about it!" snapped Professor Farnsworth. "Now go to the roof and fight Myotismon, dammit!" he shoved Jackie out of the way, walking in the direction of the stairs. "I'm sick of waiting for the doom of mankind!"

* * *

A hush fell over New New York City as Jackie, Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Farnsworth, Uncle, Zapp, and Kif gathered outside the Planet Express building. Hermes was to watch over Amy inside. Uncle was on the balcony with Fry, Bender, and Zoidberg, feverishly forming a chi spell. Professor Farnsworth opted to remain as far from Uncle as possible and stood on the pinnacle of the building with the others. Jackie stood on the roof, searching for Myotismon.

As the wind died down, Jackie was bathed in a shadow. He turned around to see Myotismon hovering in the air, holding Jade in his arms. The Bat Talisman glowed and was secured to his bat clasp.

"You're too late, Jackie Chan!" exclaimed Myotismon. "Jade is dead, and there is nothing you can do about it!" He hurled Jade onto the roof, where she skidded a few feet.

Jackie knelt down and saw every last ounce of spunk and vigor drained from her lifeless body. As he touched her cold, clammy hand to his warm, tear-stained cheek, the martial arts master felt anger boiling inside him, rage like he had never felt before. It was one thing to kidnap his only niece, but to kill her was another story. Fire flared in his eyes, and his blood ran hot through his veins. Every talisman he possessed glowed as they were activated one by one. Finally, he growled and lunged at the vampire, prepared to kick him in the face.

Myotismon dodged the kick. "GRISLY WING!" he shouted, spreading his cape and unleashing a million bats at Jackie and the others.

Jackie spat out fire from the Dragon Talisman, singing the bats' wings. The river of flame was mixed with the laser from the Pig Talisman, and ever last bat dematerialized into pieces of data, letting off unbearable screeches. Jackie covered his ears and stumbled around, then realized that he was about to lose his balance. Thinking quickly, he bounded into the air with the power of the Rooster Talisman.

Myotimson chuckled, then flew into the air after Jackie. Both were far above the Planet Express building and hovered in midair, prepared to give each other the shock of their lieves.

A beam of crimson light shot out of Jackie's eyes the second Myotismon exclaimed, "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" The light and the lightning hit each other with such impact, they blasted Myo and Jackie into separate structures. Myotismon hit a neon sign, sending sparks flying out at him. Jackie, on the other hand, crashed through a billboard and would have died if not for the help of the Ox and Dog Talismans. Both attacked each other for ten agonizing minutes, either flying out of the way or surviving the impact. By that time, the sky was black and both were ravaged from battle.

The top of Myotismon's once-elegant uniform was ripped to the point of tatters, and his cape was nearly in shreds. He looked at himself. "You are more formidable than I anticipated, Chan," he remarked. "Maybe I should increase my power tenfold."

Jackie, whose clothes were not ripped but was bruised and beaten, growled through his clenched teeth and flew back to above the building. He knew what to do.

"CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" Myotismon unleashed ten bolts of Crimson Lightning, which cracked through the air and multiplied by the second. Jackie zoomed through them with the power of the Rabbit Talisman, flying with the Rooster Talisman.

Back on the balcony, Uncle's chi spell remained unfinished. While Jackie dodged the bolts, Myotismon saw that Uncle was working on a chi spell. "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" The whip sent the cauldron and its contents crashing to the ground.

"YOU DARE ANGER UNCLLLLLE!" squealed the chi master, rushing out to fight Myotismon himself. Luckily, Fry and Leela restrained him.

"Magic must defeat magic, remember?" Fry remarked smugly. "Why do you think Jackie has those talismans in that bag?"  
"Uncle knew that," retorted Uncle.

Myotismon laughed, knowing that Fry had made a huge error. As Jackie dodged the lightning, the vampire noticed a small bag attached to his opponent's belt. If he could destroy them…

"NIGHTMARE CLAW!" A wave of darkness was sent out at Jackie, and coldness and despair petrified him. He lost control and sank lower until the bag became an easy target. "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" With one last whip, the remaining talismans were reduced to dust. Jackie hit the roof and slid onto the balcony, groaning.

"JACKIE!" shouted Leela. She noticed the dust. "The TALISMANS!" She clutched her purple ponytail. "Oh, this is horrible!"

Myotismon extended his hand, and Jackie, who had been drained of his energy, floated into the air. He felt a throbbing pain everywhere and was short of breath. His entire life flashed before his eyes again, and it was all like a horrible nightmare to him. Unbearable memories flooded his mind, and he squirmed from the pain. Suddenly, it felt as if his entire body were being split apart, like he was out in space, or something was trying to escape from under his skin.

_Not my chi… please, don't take my chi… don't take my life… the world needs me!_

Jackie could no longer think. Everything grew black and cold as he was enveloped in a shell of nothingness. He was dying… dying at the hand of Myotismon…

He heard Uncle's faint cry in the distance. It would be the last thing Jackie would ever hear as a rushing noise filled his ears…

"CAPTAIN BRANNIGAN! NEED I REMIND YOU THAT _MAGIC MUST DEFEAT MAGIII_IIIiii…"

Meanwhile, outside Jackie's consciousness, Myotismon had drawn a whip of Crimson Lightning that was glowing so powerfully it looked like everything was drenched in blood. Everyone was petrified… except Zapp, who had pulled out a very large laser gun behind the vampire's back.

"Oh Myotismon…" he sang, cocking the gun. The vampire turned around to see a gun pointed directly at him, and it was at this point Uncle yelled at Zapp. "Nu mo bway fa fi di tao, JERK," he announced.

Myotismon's eyes grew as wide as dinner plates, and his irises became no more than specks.

BANG! The laser gun emitted a blast like a blue lightsaber. The blast of super-concentrated energy and radiation was beamed directly through the vampire's chest, and the same beam of light was emitted through the other end. Myotismon stood petrified, then dropped his whip of Crimson Lightning, which dissolved. Suddenly, chunks of data broke away from his body, beginning at where the laser ripped through him and going outwards.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he shouted as he vanished into thin air, with no remnants except his bat-winged mask and his Bat Talisman. His voice was but an echo.

Jackie clutched his head. Though he had a splitting headache and felt as if his ribs were broken, he felt whole again.

"That was some fighting out there, meatbag!" Bender patted Jackie on the back.

"What about me?" asked Zapp, blowing on the smoking barrel of his laser gun. "Shouldn't I get a little credit? I mean, I destroyed Myotismon!"

"Yeah, but did you use kung-fu moves or were you tactical with the talismans?" retorted Leela.

"He didn't even weaken him, for God's sake! If it weren't for me, we'd be hauling his chi-free ass to the hospital—"

"JACKIE!" Jade's squeal caused Jackie to weakly stand up. Though his legs were as limp as overcooked pasta, he managed to climb onto the roof of the building with Fry and Leela's help. He saw Jade, whose color was returning to her face, little by little.

"Jade!" Jackie exclaimed, embracing his niece and kissing her on the face. "Jade, I thought I was going to LOSE you! Did you… did you die?"

"Jackie…" Jade whispered, extending her arms. "I… I felt like… like…" She stopped, and a tear rolled down her cheek. Jackie relished that as a sign of life.

Uncle knelt down. "Come, she is weak. We must heal her."

Leela picked Jade up and cradled her in her arms. Jade was almost like a daughter to her at that point… a daughter to her and Jackie. With Uncle holding the Bat Talisman and Bender holding Jackie (as he was the only one who could hold someone who was that heavy, but he was still afraid of being labeled as a robo-sexual), everyone trooped down to Dr. Zoidberg's office.

No one seemed to notice the mask watching them…

* * *

Several minutes later, in Zoidberg's office, Jackie had regained his strength. Jade, on the other hand, was too fragile to even move lest she die again, and this time, for good. Uncle was the only other one in the room, along with Professor Farnsworth and Zoidberg.

"Jade, I'm so glad you're all right again!" exclaimed Jackie.

"Jackie…" whispered Jade," … am I… going to die?"

"No," the archaeologist assured his niece. "Now, Uncle has created a rehabilitation potion that will get you up and moving. Huh?"

Zoidberg put his claw on Jackie's shoulder. "I hate to inform you, Mr. Chan, but Jade has gill fungus."

"Jade doesn't have gills," argued Jackie. "She's a human!"

"Really!" The lobster looked surprised. "I could have sworn she was a robutt."

Uncle approached Jade with a steaming vial of green liquid. "Drink up, Jade. It may not be the Horse Talisman, but it darn good medicine. Home remedy, with Uncle's personal touch." He poured it into Jade's mouth. The black-haired girl, too listless to cough and sputter, reluctantly swallowed it and made a face.

"What's… what's in it?" she wondered, beginning to feel herself growing stronger.

"Ah, I see you have discovered the mung beans!" exclaimed Uncle.

"Mung beans? What the hell are MUNG BEANS doing in a medicine?" interrogated Professor Farnsworth. "If you're trying to kill her, that's supposed to be the flesh-eating anteaters' job!"

"Mung beans are good for the brain! Uncle can tell that you have eaten NO mung beans in your life!"

"Or maybe mung beans are BAD for the brain, which explains why I have been nominated for the Nobel Prize and you were stuck rinning a cheap junk factory."

"IF YOU WERE SMART, YOU WOULD KNOW I MANAGE AN _ANTIQUE SHOP!_"

"Antique shops, BAH!"

Uncle was about to retaliate when his face fell.

"Can't think of anything, eh?" boasted the professor. "Looks like I win!"

Uncle was not paying attention. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Bat Talisman, which glowed crimson. White chi floated through the walls and were absorbed into the red bat symbol on the surface.

"AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! THE BAT TALISMAN IS ABSORBING CHI! MYOTISMON HAS NOT BEEN DEFEATED! HE IS GETTING MORE POWERFUUUULLLLLL!" He clutched his hair and ran around eratically. "WE NEED TO FIND OUT HOW TO DEFEAT HIM NOW!"

Uncle, Jackie, Zoidberg, and the professor ran into the lounge to see the others' eyes glued to the TV screen.

"IT WORSE THAN UNCLE THOUGHT!" screamed Uncle. "MYOTISMON HAS DRAINED THEIR CHI AND TURNED THEM INTO MINDLESS ZOMBIIIIIEEEES!"

"No," Jackie pointed out. "They're just watching TV."

A special report was on TV, and Morbo and Linda were the anchors. A graphic behind them showed a man in a hard hat looking like a zombie.

"This is a special report," declared Linda. "A code-red emergency has been issued for all humans, as sources say their souls are suddenly getting drained and—" She fell limp onto the table, then sat up. Her eyes were open and unblinking, and she announced, "MYOTISMON, LORD AND MASTER." She repeated it continuously.

Morbo started laughing. "Puny humans. Morbo shall form an alliance with this Myotismon, and the human race will be—" He fell onto the table and did the same as Linda. "MYOTISMON, LORD AND MASTER. MYOTISMON, LORD AND—"

Fry turned off the TV. "It was funny the first time!"

"Fry, you idiot!" shouted Leela. "Don't you know what this means?"

Fry looked confused. "That we're getting new news anchors?"

"NO! It means that Myotismon is still out there!" She ran over to the window to see a horrific sight. Myotismon's mask had raised itself ten feet above the ground not too far away from the building, a shadow of him around it and growing by the second. The others rushed over to see the shadow grow from ten feet to twenty feet, then fifty, then one hundred, and then towering above the skyscrapers. Suddenly, the shadow grew solid and became a more potent version of Myotismon than ever: Venom Myotismon. With his crimson wings and eyes that emitted the strongest laser beams ever, it was apparent that mankind was doomed.

"We're boned," stated Bender. "Yes, my work-related acquaintances, we are boned."

* * *

To be concluded… 


	15. The Fate of Three Worlds

Final Author's Note: Congratulations! You have reached the inevitable conclusion of "The Bat Talisman Saga." This is the final multi-chaptered crossover I am doing for this website; I might drop by the crossover section once in a while to do a few more crossovers, possibly of this nature. I would like to thank a few people. First and foremost, the reviewers! I couldn't have done it without you! Second of all, I would like to share my gratitude with my younger sister, who gave me a few ideas for chapters 13 and 14. Third, a HUGE thank you goes out to none other than coffee. The idea for the original concept wouldn't have been sparked without you. Finally, thank you to ALL the readers, for reading this massive one-and-a-half-year project (I finished a year ago, but I didn't get the chance to put this up until now.) (huggles all the people she mentioned). And now, without further _adieu_, the final chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 15

The Fate of Three Worlds

Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, Uncle, Jackie, Zapp, and Kif ran outside to stare at the monstrosity that loomed above them in its hundred-foot terror, shadowed by the black sky above. Even the skyscrapers seemed to cower as Venom Myotismon smashed their tops with one mighty swing of his fist.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the demon, throwing his head back to show off a new mane of long, blonde hair. His evil cackle echoed through the city and surrounded the heroes. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SHALL I DESTROY FIRST?"

As if answering the call, Zapp aimed his laser gun directly at Venom Myotismon's chest and blasted a light beam directly at it. Though it was a direct hit, the demon was not fazed. Instead, he grew furious and growled like a trained doberman. The slits in various places in his body, which looked like eyes, opened and emitted beams of light dotted with iridescent colors. Though full of transcendant beauty, they packed a hard punch and filled one's body with venom on contact. The attack was known as Venom Infusion.

The second the captain was hit, he was hurled back against the Planet Express building, hit the wall, and dropped to the ground.

"Captain down!" Zapp groaned from the pavement.

"How DARE you hurt one of my best friends?" threatened Zoidberg. "You are Zoidberg's enemy as well, you are!" He attempted to squirt black ink at Venom Myotismon, but the ink hit everyone else. The demon's response was kicking the lobster towards the wall, where he fell on top of Zapp. Venom Myotismon stomped farther away and continued demolishing buildings with his fists.

Meanwhile, Uncle was issuing garlic necklaces to everyone who was standing, except Professor Farnsworth. The professor was issuing doomsday devices to everyone instead. "You must use them quickly," advised Uncle. "There is not much chi!" Then he ducked into a shielded alley and quickly leafed through his book of chi spells, feverishly attempting to translate any remaining information on the Bat Talisman, which was glowing blood-red and heated like a burner on a stove.

"It's good to see you two are working together to build a super, chi-powered doomsday device," remarked Leela.

"WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING!" shouted the professor. "He's trying to prove that chi is better!"

"Well, we'll all use them at once," instructed Leela. "Everyone who's standing, put the garlic necklaces around the doomsday devices, and let 'er rip with Uncle's chant! Ready?"

Fry, Bender, Jackie, and Kif nodded, all draping the garlic necklaces around the doomsday devices and cocking the guns. Venom Myotismon turned around and looked at them.

"GO!" Leela commanded.

All five of them hopped on one foot and chanted, "Nu mo bway fa fi di tao! Nu mo bway fa fi di tao! Nu mo bway fa fi di tao!" simultaneously. Then they shot the hell out of their doomsday devices, one by one.

A green ray of light shot out of each garlic necklace and combined with the white ray of light emitted by the doomsday device to create a super-powerful blast of energy potent enough to wipe out all vampirism on Earth. All five beams hit Venom Myotismon, but in different places.

BANG! One hit him square in the shoulder, forcing him back a few steps.

BANG! Another hit his forehead, nearly causing his head to rip off his neck.

BANG! Yet another hit him in the knee, and Venom Myotismon stumbled backwards, nearly getting impaled on the Empire State Building but falling into the Hudson River instead. He stood up, only to meet two more beams of light.

BANG! The fourth, shot by Fry, missed the demon completely.

BANG! The fifth hit him directly in the crotch, and he doubled over and fell into the river again, groaning as if he were in the worst pain imaginable.

"Heeheehee!" giggled Bender. "Look where I got him!"

"BENDER!" scolded Leela. Then her face lightened up. "You're a genius!"

"Beast… within!" exclaimed Zapp from the sidewalk. Because he was crushed by Zoidberg, he fell over unconscious.

Everyone exchanged a confused glance, but then Kif's eyes lit up.

"I remember, the beast within!" he exclaimed. "Being Zapp's right-hand assistant, I've walked in on him when he's watched the _Digimon_ TV series long enough to get acquainted with the characters. Venom Myotismon is the form Myotismon is in right now, and the way the Digi-Destined defeated him was to defeat the 'beast within,' a furry creature that resides in his… erm…" He looked at the ground, then sheepishly pointed downward.

Fry scratched his head. "Uh… what does that mean?"

"It means aim for the gonads and win!" Bender exclaimed. Venom Myotismon had stood up, drenched and more seething mad than ever. He stormed over to them, knocking down everything in his way. He stormed over to the fivesome, but Bender dictated, "Ready? One… two… THREE!"

Five blasts hit the demon where the "beast within" was supposed to be, but all it did was cause the demon to crash into more buildings and hit the ground. Dust rose in the air, and everyone fell over from the earthquake. To their horror, the doomsday devices all broke as they hit the pavement.

"Oh dear!" interjected Professor Farnsworth. "And they were only two days from being patented!"

There was a silence in the air so deafening, the only thing that could be heard was the crumbling of bricks and transportation tubes, each hitting the ground with a bang. Venom Myotismon instantly stood up, no sign of a beast poking out of his lower abdomen.

"HA!" He pointed to the group. "YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT 'BEAST WITHIN' LEGEND? YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT ANGER ME EVEN MORE! NIGHTMARE CLAW!"

A more potent version of the Nightmare Claw petrified everyone, then hurled them in various directions until they hit buildings. Uncle had just made it to the part about how to destroy Myotismon when a building caught on fire and rained flames on him and the book. The book of spells burst into flames and was reduced to ash.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Uncle, clutching his hair and ripping it out. "ALL MY WORK! ALL MY RESEARCH! RUUUIIIIIIINNNNNEEEEEDDDD!"

The only one who still remained intact was Jackie, who lay next to Leela, who was trapped underneath a pile of bricks.

"Jackie…" groaned Leela, "save… yourself!" She coughed and fell unconscious.

Jackie clenched his teeth, and then he rushed towards Venom Myotismon for one final showdown between them.

Meanwhile, Jade had heard everything and rushed outside, not completely healed…

Jackie confronted Venom Myotismon, and he could barely see the demon's face. "YOU LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE!" he shouted.

Venom Myotismon evilly grinned at Jackie, then reached down to pick him off the ground. Jackie tried to sprint away, but he was trapped under the giant hand. The demon grasped Jackie's shirt between his talons, then lifted him off the ground and put him near his face, where Jackie wriggled like a piece of bait on a hook. Jackie was so close, he could see every marking on the mask and every strand of hair that fluttered in his face. The demon's breath smelled like rancid meat.

Jackie swatted at the air. "You MONSTER!" he shouted. "You hurt all of my friends and teammates! You've turned half the world into vampires! And now—"

"I am going to devour you," answered Venom Myotismon, hot air currents rushing around Jackie with every syllable. His booming voice nearly rendered Jackie completely deaf.

"NO! JACKIE!" screamed a tinny voice a hundred feet below the martial-arts master. Jackie hastily glanced downward to see Jade, the Bat Talisman glowing vividly near her feet.

"JADE, NO!" shouted Jackie. "HE'LL GET YOU TOO! DON'T—"

"HOW MANY TIMES MUST I KILL YOU, LITTLE GIRL!" growled Venom Myotismon. Jade squealed and dashed away, grabbing what was now the only existing talisman and barely dodging the crush of the demon's foot. The demon glared at the martial-arts master, who knew he was going to die, and brought him down to his lips. "GOOD HELP IS SO HARD TO FIND THESE DAYS. AM I RIGHT, CHAN?" he boomed, rendering Jackie deaf. Jackie could see every incisor that lined the inside of his great mouth, as well as two yellowing fangs stained with blood. He squirmed, struggling to break free, though he knew he would die from falling a hundred feet to the ground below as well. He was trapped. "IT WILL BE A PLEASURE DEVOURING YOU AND PURGING THE WORLD OF YOUR EXISTENCE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

This was the end for Jackie Chan… what a way to die… swallowed by Venom Myotismon and falling into the pit of his stomach… digested and forgotten, eliminated from the universe… letting Myotismon take over the world and rule with an iron fist…

Jade, witnessing the entire thing, grew furious and decided to take her anger out on the Bat Talisman, which lay innocently on the ground. "This is all YOUR fault!" she accused, kicking the talisman towards the wall of the Planet Express building. It chipped and expelled a small chunk of itself. The glowing ceased.

"WHAT!" Venom Myotismon flinched, taking Jackie away from his mouth and turning to Jade.

It was at that point, Jade realized the key to victory: Myotismon's power derived from the Bat Talisman. If one destroys the talisman, they destroy Myotismon. She ran over to Zapp and grabbed his laser gun. "If you allow me, Captain Brannigan," she told him. She ran back to the talisman and set the beam settings from Hyperdeath to Hyperdeath³. Then she pointed the barrel directly at the talisman and cocked the gun.

"NO… NO!" insisted Venom Myotismon, about to crush Jade.

The black-haired girl pointed the gun directly at the center of the talisman. "This is for Amy!" she declared, pulling the trigger. The gun gave off a blast, and the talisman began to crack in the center. "This is for Jackie!" Once again, there was a blast. The cracks in the talisman grew deeper and wider, and Venom Myotismon was taken by surprise and dropped Jackie. Luckily, Jackie grabbed onto the edge of a skyscraper, edged over to a corner, and slid down a transportation tube.

"PLEASE… LITTLE GIRL… CEASE WHAT YOU ARE DOING, I C-COMMAND YOU!"

"And this?" Jade looked up at Venom Myotismon's pleading eyes, and she decided to show no mercy. "This is for the universe! May it never be dominated by the likes of you!"

The gun wound up for one final shot. Jade squeezed the trigger, and suddenly the talisman shattered into hundreds of pieces, all hurtling through the air before dissolving into nothingness.

"NO!" screamed Venom Myotismon, clutching his chest and leaning backwards. There was a supernova of white light, with fireworks exploding around and above him. He let out a final scream, and the entire city was bathed in white light for a brief second, and suddenly the light died down. The sky over New New York had become a vibrant sunset, and the fog had finally dissipated. Voices arose from the demolished buildings and the street, uttering murmurs of "What just happened?" "Where was I just now?" "Why is everything destroyed?" All over, people stood up, rubbed their heads, and glanced around.

"Jade…" murmured Jackie, who had been lying on the ground. He touched Jade's cheek and exclaimed, "You did it, Jade… you saved the universe!"

Jade's eyes widened. "I did, didn't I?" She stood on a pile of rubble and announced to everyone, "I did it! I, Jade Chan, destroyed Myotismon and saved the universe!"

Uncle limped up to Jackie, clutching a passage with charred edges that had been spared when his book burst into flames. "JACKIIIIEEEEE!" he exclaimed. "I found the solution to defeating Myotismon! You see, his power rests not in his physical form, but the Bat Talisman! As it glows red, he becomes even more powerful! The only way to defeat Myotismon for good is not to destroy him, but destroy the talisman!"

"Uh, Uncle…" murmured Jackie. He pointed at the sky, then to Jade, who was in the middle of a victory dance.

Uncle cracked a smile. "Ah. Myotismon has been destroyed."

"With the help of WEAPONS!" exclaimed the professor. "She pointed a LASER GUN at the talisman and destroyed it."

"You are forgetting that the talisman is MAGIIIIIC!" cried Uncle, waving his arms around. "She did not just point the gun and fire randomly like Captain Brannigan over theeeeere!"

Kif, staring dreamily at the change, exclaimed, "Amy!" He dashed inside the building, which had remained intact throughout the entire showdown, followed by Jade, then Professor Farnsworth and Uncle (who were still arguing over whether it was magic or weapons), then Fry and Zoidberg, then Bender and Zapp bringing up the rear.

Jackie knelt over Leela, who lay unconscious underneath the bricks. It was not enough to kill her immediately, but it would if they remained on her for that long. He hurled bricks off the pile until finally uncovering his one-eyed queen. He hoped that she was not dead, but he ignored everything but his heart, kissing her directly on the lips.

Suddenly, Leela's eye opened. "Jackie?" she whispered.

"Leela! You're alive!" exclaimed Jackie.

"Was…"

"Yes, Myotismon was defeated. Thanks to Jade."

* * *

Back inside the Planet Express building, everyone gathered around the couch.

Amy, like Leela, remained motionless. Suddenly, a white mist floated through her mouth, and immediately her cheeks grew pinker and her eyelids fluttered. She inhaled, opening her eyes to refeal dark, glittering pools of life. "Wha… where am I?" she asked. "Where's… Myotismon?"

"Myotismon is dead," replied Jackie. "Jade destroyed him for good."

"AMY!" exclaimed Kif, before Amy could say anything else. He leapt on top of the intern and kissed her passionately, feeling happier than he had ever been in his life. "SHE'S ALIVE! Can you believe it? MY AMY IS ALIVE!" He stood up and brought Amy with him, and the two embraced as if they had been worlds apart.

"Still miss Myotismon?" wondered Fry.

Amy made a disgusted face. "Gluck! No way! He may have been handsome on the outside, but inside he's just some spleazeball who would rather suck blood and kill people rather than make love to me. But Kif, on the other hand…"

Kif beamed, obviously flattered. But before he could say anything else, Zapp pushed him out of the way and towards the door. "Come, Kif, our work here is done, so let's go! The _Nimbus_ awaits! By the way, it's been a good three days since my armpits were last shaved." He took out a razor and clicked his tongue.

The amphibian groaned loudly, glancing back at Amy as his captain led him out the door. Sure enough, the _Nimbus_ was parked outside.

"Godspeed, Kif," Jade said, saluting. "Godspeed."

Kif saluted back at Jade before disappearing.

* * *

The following night, Jackie, Jade, Uncle, Captain Black, and the Planet Express crew sat around the conference table and braced themselves for Bender's "celebratory dinner" in honor of defeating Myotismon. Much to Uncle's disgust, he sat next to Professor Farnsworth, and their rivalry was still going strong.

"I say VH1 is the best music channel!" insisted the professor.

"AND UNCLE SAY TV ROTS YOUR BRAIN!" argued Uncle.

"OK, break it up, you two," said Leela and Jackie, who were holding hands with each other.

Bender emerged with a silver platter underneath a silver dome, then placed it in the center of the tabletop. "Bon appetit, jerks!" he exclaimed before taking the lid off. There was nothing there but a pizza, which was still in its greasy box.

"Heyyyyyyyy, why is there a box that says 'Joe's Pizzeria' on it for dinner?" questioned Fry.

Bender hung his head. "I tried to make Chicken A La King, but we were out of kings, so I had to go with Plan B!"

Everyone took a slice (except Zoidberg, who was once again left with the box), and were about to dig in when the videophone rang twice. Lrrr and Ndnd appeared on the screen, and everyone was so startled they dropped their slices.

"Greetings, indicted humans!" greeted Lrrr. "I am LRRR of the planet Omicron Persei—"

"Geez, we all know who you are!" exclaimed Fry. "Just get to the part where we die already."

"No, no, no!" interrupted Lrrr. "It's not like that at all. You guys… defeated Myotismon within three days. But it's OK, since I like cheese fries better than humans, anyway. Just don't tell the guards. And now, I shall fax you your reward! Have a good eternity! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" There was a pause, and they remained on the screen. Finally, Lrrr spoke up again. "Gods, I hate having to suck it in!"

"Well, Lrrr, if you would just eat salads once in a while—" spoke up Ndnd before the signal was cut off.

A white envelope came out of a small slit beneath the TV screen.

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Fry, yanking it out. "I hope it's cash, or maybe the keys to a ThunderCougarFalconBird!" He ripped off the top of the envelope and took out a small slip of paper. Fry examined it, then looked disgusted. "Ten percent off your next purchase at Bed, Bath, & Beyond!" he groaned, hurling the envelope to the table. "This is crap!"

Leela paged through the small selection of useless coupons. "At least it's better than death. Well, not this one." She crumpled up a coupon that read, "One free _Teletubbies_ DVD at the Prehistoric Antique Shop."

"Eh, yes yes yes," said the professor. "Now let's all eat our Chicken A La King before it gets eaten by Dr. Zoidb—" He looked at his plate which had no food on it.

Zoidberg slurped contentedly, licking his mouth flaps. "A box AND a pizza! This is Zoidberg's lucky day, it is!"

* * *

After dinner was finished, everyone (yes, even Hermes and Scruffy) watched the evening news intently, searching for their news story. Morbo and Linda were on the screen at the moment, accompanied by a photo of several factory workers. Linda looked cheerful as usual, but Morbo was crying into a handkerchief.

"And that…" the moster sniffled into a tissue, trying to hold back tears, "…is why… the… the generous…" Morbo blew his nose, "…the g… generous workers at… Glagnar's Human Rinds are… Morbo's… VerminoftheWeek!" Morbo burst into tears, turning away from the camera. "The human race was SO close to extinction, and Morbo missed it all!" he wailed.

Linda laughed. "Ahahahaha. And now for our top story. For the past three days, the entire universe was threatened by an evil vampire who went by the name of Myotismon. Myotismon caused destruction in New New York so terrible, everyone will be chipping in to rebuild it all over again! We'll be doing follow-ups until we interview everyone whose family members have died, or until New New York is rebuilt, whichever comes last. Ahahahahaha. And now, we go live to the Kennedy Center, where President Richard M. Nixon's head will announce the recipient of an award of great honor, an award which will go to whoever made Myotismon meet his doom."

Leela and Jackie grinned at Jade, giving her the thumbs-up. Everyone leaned in closely, watching and listening intently. On the screen was a close-up of Richard Nixon's head in a jar, along with the words "LIVE" and "Kennedy Center" on the bottom. The words disappeared, but Nixon's head remained.

"My fellow Earthicans," he addressed into hundreds of oddly-shaped microphones, "it gives me great pleasure to announce that the vampire hippie is no more." Applause. The screen zoomed out to reveal Nixon's head on top of a podium, surrounded by a banquet table on stage that was occupied by several government officials. "And now I will award the hero, to announce the hero's name so that it may be heard by all. And that hero, the one who singlehandedly defeated Myotismon, is…"

Jade grinned and closed her eyes. She would become famous!

"…Zapp Brannigan!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" Jade squawked. "But… but I… he didn't…"

Zapp took his place at the podium after forcing Nixon's head off. A Secret Service member caught the head-in-a-jar, and another one placed a hubcap-sized medal around the captain's neck. There was applause and a standing ovation, but Jade pouted the entire time. The only one who clapped in the Planet Express was Fry. When Zoidberg joined in, Fry abruptly stopped.

"You'd think defeating a vampire would be a job fit for… say, Jackie Chan," said Zapp. The audience laughed. "But no, it was I. How did I do it? I flew alone in the _Cumulus_, dodging space banditos and carnivorous blind space slugs, and with my deductive reasoning, knew he would be on Nightmarion 5. The _Cumulus _crashed, but I braved my own worst nightmare and made it up to Myotismon's castle. There, I discovered the source of his power: the Bat Talisman. I saved three innocent souls from his henchmen and chased Myotismon back to New New York. I blasted the Bat Talisman apart with my laser gun, and that was the end of him! Another job well-done by me, Zapp Brannigan!"

The crowd broke out in tumultuous applause, and then there was another standing ovation.

"Personally, I never cared for Myotismon," the captain continued. "He was an evil scumbag who tried to seduce the famous Amy Wong and make her do his dirty work. Plus, his choice of clothing was _borg-ee-oiiiiii_… whaa? I can't pronounce THIS! Uh… his clothes sucked."

"It's pronounced '_buzh-wah,'_ you dumbass," muttered Leela over the pronunciation of "bourgeoise."

The bodyguard carried Nixon's head up to Zapp, and Nixon declared, "Another job well-done indeed, Captain Brannigan. And to reward you, I've used everyone's tax dollars to buy this for you. Let's see the Democrats do something like this!"

The curtain behind them rose to reveal another mini-spacecraft that looked like an updated version of the _Cumulus_. This had a more pointed shape, larger windows, and a shinier exterior. On the side, the words "The _Cirrus_" were written in raised letters.

Zapp gasped, then squealed like a schoolgirl. He ran up to the spaceship and embraced its nose. "Oh, Mr. President, you've made me the happiest girl in the world! I mean… captain. The happiest captain in the world!"

At that point, Fry turned off the TV and shrugged. "Meh, he wanted it more." All of a sudden, some dramatic closing chords began to fade into the background.

"Eh, good news, everyone!" exclaimed the professor. "It seems that the movie is about to conclude!"

Jackie, Jade, Uncle, and Captain Black all got up to leave as the Whatif Machine began to glow bright white. Outside, Fry could see Uncle's Rare Finds dissolving. "You mean… you're leaving?" he asked.

"Spluh," replied Jade, a la Amy. "We can't stay here forever, you know! All my friends are back at school, and I can't wait to tell them about this!"

"Yes," added Jackie. "We're going back to San Francisco, and we're going to live in Section 13 again. Uncle will still be managing his antique shop. Plus, you can call us whenever you want, I guess."

"No they can't," asserted Captain Black.

"Goodbye, Jackie," said Leela quietly. She walked up to Jackie and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I'm really going to miss you."

"Me too," added Fry.

"Me too," added everyone else except the professor. Zoidberg began to bawl and say something about friends.

"Well, GO!" barked the professor. "I'm tired of looking at Uncle!"

Jackie, Uncle, and Captain Black stepped into the light and disappeared instantly.

Jade began to make her way over to where the others had been, then she turned around and ran back to where the Planet Express crew was standing. "WAIT!" she shouted. She rummaged through her sweatshirt pocket and pulled out a Melvin pencil. "This is so you don't forget me." She gave it to Fry.

"Aw…" Fry stared back at the eraser, which was shaped like the cartoon moose's head. "You're so sweet!" He stuck it into one of the back pockets of his jeans.

"Well, bye!" Jade dashed into the light, disappearing and leaving the Planet Express crew alone. Everything was back to normal again.

Everyone looked at each other as the concluding chords grew louder, longer, and more dramatic. A camera panned out from the crew, through the window until there was a shot of the Planet Express building, then out to New New York, then Earth, then the solar system, then a cluster of stars that became the Milky Way Galaxy, and then a shot of galaxies placed in a formation that looked exactly like the Bat Talisman.

Everything faded to black.

* * *

The black was on the screen of the Whatif Machine, which reverted back to its normal psychadelic screen saver. Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Amy, Hermes, and the professor stared at it for a second, then sighed.

"So that's what would have happened if Zoidberg had $25," mused Leela. "That was really interesting, but I'm glad he's poor!"

"And it was so vivid!" exclaimed Amy. "It felt so real!"

"Yes yes yes," said the professor. "You see, I installed surround sound the other day."

"Well I wish it had been real," declared Fry. "Then we could have actually gone to a cool planet and fought space banditos and vampires and digital monsters!"

"Well it's NOT real!" snapped Farnsworth. "Live with it! Oh my, that reminds me, you and Leela and Bender still have to deliver those 10,000 letters to Santabot on Neptune. Now get the hell out of here in five minutes or I'll take away your bathroom privileges!" He stormed out of the invention room, followed by Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes. Leela and Bender turned to leave, but Fry remained in front of the Whatif Machine.

"Go on ahead," said Fry. "I'll be right there."

Leela and Bender shrugged, then left. The delivery boy remained behind for one more minute, staring wistfully at the blank screen of the Whatif Machine. After what had seemed like an eternity, Fry followed the rest of the crew outside. The end of a Melvin pencil poked out of the back pocket of his jeans.

* * *


End file.
